The fact that I am willing to BLOG this, tells me that I have too much to share.
I had forgotten what it was like to feel the presence of a "something else" in my life.
After doing a 15 year stint of the athiesm/agnosticism thing... I found God again. Wow.
Jesus and I are trying to work out our issues, and I think that I am on my way to doing this.
I have suddenly found myself single again, and wonder if God has a whole other plan for me, besides the one that I THOUGHT that he had for me. I THOUGHT that God wanted me to marry this amazing man that he had brought int0 my life. I THOUGHT that He wanted us to settle down and start a family... I THOUGHT that we were supposed to put up with eachother's crap, and that is what He wanted for me. I thought wrong.
After a few months of licking my wounds from a relationship, that was inevitably going to go nowhere, I realized that God didn't bring this man into my life so that I could "settle down", He brought me this man so that I would know what it was like to be loved by a man in a way that I had never experienced. I thank God for bringing this man into my life everyday, even though we are no longer close.
And so it begins.
My life as a single woman, a believer, a spiritually minded person who did her growing up in her 30's. The constant pressure of "where does this leave me" is amazing. I feel free, and trapped at the same time. I feel saved and left behind all at once. Again, I don't know how to get past this threshold in my journey.
My trip to Zhytomyr in 2006 with 4 amazing women changed my spiritual life forever. Yes, I had made a connection with God... but, I had never "seen" God at work. He was everywhere. I experienced a spiritual breakdown that I could never explain. He was working in my life. He was present in me. He wanted me to work with these kids and these amazing people. He wanted me to build relationships with people that I could have never see again. God actually touched me. It was scary and amazing. I wanted to live it over and over again. I wanted to never leave this camp, which was converted from a Communist camp (in the 50's). I was afraid that if I left, I would never find Him again.
How would He find me again? How would He know that I wanted to stay where there was barely running water so that I could experience Him again and again? To see Him working in the lives of people with so little... I felt guilty for having so much. I was afraid to shop for groceries or drive my car or return to work. I was afraid of being selfish.
I met an amazing woman (Michelle) this weekend. We talked of the difference between living in an environment where there are many Gods and Goddesses (she lives in India) and living where the "norm" is that there is one God. I respect and embrace the cultural differences and religious perspectives of other countries. Michelle told me of a Hindi Idol that travels from village to village. Almost like a piece of artwork that would travel from one museum to another. Basically, one village gets to worship this Idol, and when the time comes, the Idol is moved to another village for worship. Michelle said to me, "Isn't it cool that God can be in this village and that village? Isn't it great that we don't have to wait for Him to tour?" This is a perspective that I had never thought of before. I wrote this down as soon as I got home that night.
Michelle and I spoke for a few more minutes... I found myself jealous of this life that God had lead her to. I saw myself living this life. I saw myself giving up everything to move to a foreign country. However, I have always been concerned about "stepping on the toes" of the local cultures and customs. I asked if she is looked at strangely, as a Christian, with one God, as opposed to the many Gods and Goddesses of the Hindu culture. She looked at me and said, "You know, of all of the Hindi Gods, there has never been a God to sacrifice Himself for us." I just looked at her in disbelief. I ran the few names of Hindu Gods and Goddesses through my head, that I could remember. I was amazed. "Our God sacrificed Himself for us, and then he rose again." Another thing for me to meditate on when I got home that evening.
Meeting Michelle has changed my life. I feel like she has officially introduced me to Jesus. Now it is up to me to build our relationship.
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6 comments:
Rock on with your bad self. I'm glad you met Michelle and got to hear about her experience. Keep writing.
Welcome to the ride of your life! Seriously - just being open to the possibilities that you mention is a huge step forward on your spiritual journey. The willing heart is just the beginning - I know that you are going to keep moving forward.
I said it last night and I'll say it again: You are way to powerful to be stagnant. Keep writing this and exploring this--God has a plan for you that is going to rock everything very hard. Keep writing, I'll keep reading. I'm really excited about your life!
I am thrilled for you that you are discovering the joy of the journey in such a powerful way. Your signature line is so true, now more than ever: "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then!" I am so thankful to be on this journey with you! And, my dog thinks you're awesome!!
I'm so proud of you for starting this journal! You're at the beginning of a crazy, wild, exciting time in your walk with God. As you keep posting, you'll find so much joy in how God just keeps revealing Himself to you. And - YAY YOU! for starting a blog.
Kerry, one my passions in helping start Evergreen is to reach out to people who are left in the margins. It has been a joy to watch you grow in your faith and to feel comfortable to come out of the margin. May God continue to reveal himself to you more and more.
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