Hey, Jealousy...

Yesterday, reality set in. Life goes on.

I wasn't expecting to see my ex at church yesterday with a date. It really freaked me out. At first I found it humorous. Then jealousy set in. He was dancing to the music. In the year an a half that he had come to church with me, he hadn't ever done that. He was smiling up a storm. She apparently was very touchy with him. All of this made me uncomfortable. It hurt me. I felt like I was going through the 'stages of mourning' all over again.

For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.

~2 Corinthians 12:20

I found the whole thing tacky (as I heard from at least 4 people), and I feel that he was making a spectacle out of himself. I'm sure that she is very nice. I have nothing against her. I found that I was comparing myself to her. She is thinner than me, with bigger boobs. She was fairly attractive, but had big hair. What does this woman have, personality wise, that I didn't have?? Because, seriously... I am a friggin' awesome person!! I felt like I was at a family reunion, and my ex-husband showed up with a date. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. I actually cried last night over this crap.

I feel like my space was invaded... and my face was being rubbed in it. I hate feeling like this. It's not that I want to have a relationship with him, under any circumstances. He was hateful to me during the breakup. I want him to be happy. I just don't necessarily want to see it. I thought that my life would be with him... and it's not... and I am okay with this. It just never occurred to me that he would actually move on. I know that this is an incredibly selfish thought.

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~Missy Higgins