Loss and Mourning

On March 15, 1996, one of my best friends, Erika, committed suicide. She was schizophrenic, being treated for manic-depression. If you are not aware, schizophrenia is fairly uncommon in women, hence the misdiagnosis. She was 22. She was beautiful. She was so smart. She had a promising life ahead of her, if she would take her medication. When we were in high school, she decided that she wanted to skip class and walk to the lake that was about 3 miles away. This was something that had done before. However, she was wearing her gym shorts and T-shirt, she was barefoot, and it was February in Connecticut. She was admitted to the local hospital's psych ward later that day. For the first week she was there, she didn't know who any of us were. She associated each of us with a card, from a deck of cards. I was the three of hearts. When we entered her room, we had to take our designated card and hold it until we left.

Once Erika was all situated on her meds, and was able to go home her family decided (a few months later, after we had graduated) that they would take a trip to Mexico. Erika went off of her meds again and her family spent a week trying to find her. She was spending her days walking around whatever Mexican tourist city they were in, doing the tourist thing alone. She was spending her nights in doorways, doing what she could to survive. Needless to say, this lead to her second stint in the psych ward. Erika went off to college at Rutgers in Newark, New Jersey. She made it through her first year and then the pressure was too much for her and she returned to Middletown, Connecticut. She was home with family and whatever residual friends who didn't go away to college. She reverted into herself. She spent a lot of time at home, and wouldn't see anyone outside of her immediate family.

In a final attempt to get Erika out of the funk that she had put herself into, her mom planned a trip to Disney world. Since Erica's brother, Mike, was still in high school, it would just be Erika and her parents and some family friends. At the last minute, Erika bailed out of the trip. The day her parents were going to come home from Florida, Mike found her hanging from a cord she had rigged in her bedroom closet. All of her friends refused to wear black to her funeral. We wore bright colors. We wanted to celebrate the life that she had maintained for so long. The night before her funeral, Erika came to me in a dream. She hugged me, told me that she loved me, and said "I'm okay. I feel better now. Tell Mom I love her."

On May 6, 1996 my friend Derek (who I dated for a short period of time) was on his way to a night class. He was taking back roads, went around a corner and all of the stuff slid off of the front seat of his car. He leaned over to reach for it and ran head-on into a tree that was on an upcoming turn. Derek was loaded onto the helicopter to be flown to the closest trauma center in Hartford. He lived long enough to tell the flight crew what happened so that his mother would know. Derek died mid-flight. He was 21.

Last night, a 9 year old girl died of cancer. I never met this kid. I know her mom, but not well. This family is living my nightmare... yes, an actual nightmare that I have had numerous times. I have no children, but have always wondered if I could survive the loss of a child. I cried myself to sleep last night while praying for this family. I was sad and angry for this family. I wondered what I could do for them. I wondered if I could do anything, say anything to ease their pain. I realize that this family has been preparing for the passing of their child for a long time. But, this does not make it any easier. I pray for this family. I hold them in my heart and thoughts.

Today we mourn.

We don't mourn for

personal loss,

but for a loss of innocence.

We mourn for a child

who shows strength that

would put a grown man

to shame.

This strength is a gift to

all who know her.

Today we mourn.

We mourn for a parent who

has had to watch her

child's spirit fly away.

A child who has gone to

God, who is now in His grasp.

Today we mourn.