I Have Converted

You can now find my blog here...

http://bound4india09.wordpress.com/

Hope to see you there.

Living Life With Irrational Fears

My mom is terrified of my leaving next year. She is pretty much doing everything that she can to try to talk me out of this project. This annoys me. Each time she talks to me, there is a new reason that I shouldn't go. What if I do something that I don't know is illegal and I end up in jail? What if I have some kind of accident while using public transportation? What if I am out walking an am kidnapped, because I'm an American? What if I get raped or beaten? What if? What if? What if??? (I think that she thinks I may be an idiot.) Keep in mind that these fears come from a woman who is afraid to sit on her own porch in the morning, out of fear that a stranger may walk across her yard and try to accost her through the screens. Each of these things are meant to be a deterrent. I understand that these concerns are out of love, but at the same time I am going to be in no more danger in India than I would be in my own home. I walk my dog alone, at night... sometimes as late as 1 or 2 am. What if I am killed then? Or when I drive on the Beltline everyday to and from work, what if some idiot doesn't merge properly and completely pushes my car off of the road?

My mother's entire life has been wrapped in fear. I vowed that I would never live this way. Yes, I have some fears... I have conquered my irrational fear of bars. I am still working on my fear of clowns and spiders (not very hard, and they are not irrational).

She asked me what my fears were. My mother has never asked me this before, and I was intrigued by her interest. I told her that my biggest fear was that I would not be able to emotionally handle the project. I fear that I will become so wrapped up in the passion of the work that I will forget who I am and why I was there. My irrational fear is getting lost, physically lost. I am not good in places I am not familiar with. Public transportation has proven to be my enemy in the past, and now I will solely depend on it for everything. I fear what will happen to me at the end of 2 years, when I have to decide if I want to stay in India or come back to the States. I fear that people will realize that they are not as passionate about this cause as I am and decide to redirect their funds toward another cause, rather than supporting my trip.


Then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. ~Job 11:15


In speaking to Nikki from OasisUK yesterday morning (at early-o-clock), I realized that I am not the only one with these fears. These are common fears. Every single one of these. I am not alone. I need to remember that God is leading me toward this cause. This is what I am supposed to do. This is a good thing.


Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. ~Psalm 27:3

5:30 AM Call To London

I woke up at 5:15 this morning to make a call to London to speak to someone in the OasisUK office. This proved to be a very productive thing to do. Good things came out of this... also very scary things came out of this.

I am trying to decide if I want to start with the good things or the scary things. I guess that we have to swim through the scary to get to the good.



First of all... I don't have to raise $12,000 before I leave. I have to raise $30,000 over the time that I am in the program. (Yes, I threw up a little bit when I was told this.) Luckily, it's not all up front. This is the amount that I am expected to raise during an 18-month assignment, through fundraising and support from home.



Second... This extremely painful amount of money will cover every expense that I can possibly think of from rent, to flights to and from the States, to medical care, to groceries, to galoshes for monsoon season.



Third... $30,000 breaks down to less than $1,700.00 monthly. Which is about what I live on now. However, this will include travel expenses and other necessities. (I keep trying to justify this in my head.)



Fourth... The two year program is not an option because I am an American. This annoyed me, but I can always renew my contract for a longer stay.



Fifth... I will be living with at least one other person, which is good so that I don't get lonely. Also, there is a huge spiritual support system in place for every volunteer assigned. I can check this worry off of my list.



Sixth... I don't have to stress myself out over learning Hindi. The costs that I am to endure will cover language lessons. However, I want to learn as much as I can now, so that I have the option of cutting that cost later on.



Seventh... I automatically cut several hundred dollars from my costs because I will be able to get vaccinations here in the States before I leave.



Some good things coming out of all of this. I have been offered a free place to stay when my lease is up. I was not expecting this and wanted to pay rent, but was told that would defeat the purpose of my moving in. So yeah, good stuff there.



Worries:
1) I need to get rid of my car, the payments are going to slow my savings down. I have a neighbor who may be interested in buying it from me, and he has a car that I could get for virtually nothing... this would be a good thing.


2) I have been having some health issues, and need to see a doctor. There is a good chance that I need to have my Gall Bladder removed. More on this later.

Ramblings of A Beautiful Mind

I find the comparison "glass half full/glass half empty" interesting. I find that it also applies to the human body. Think about it. If you're hungry, your stomach is probably half empty. If you have to pee, your bladder is probably more than half full. If you need to take a deep breath, your lungs are probably half empty. Never thought of that, huh?? The brain is the only organ in the body that seemingly doesn't do this. You can just keep cramming it full of information, knowledge, poems, stories, music lyrics, political jargon, etc. Have you ever wondered just how much more crap you can fit in there? It's amazing that most people only use about 10% of their brains. I am attributing about 6.5% to this blog.

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, I think that my brain tried to become full. Every once in a while, I will wake up on the middle of the night with so much on my mind that I have to write it all down so that I can 'empty' some of it.

Enough is Enough

1) I am not eating enough, as my stomach told me at 3am this morning. So much for the burrito that I had last night. In the fact that I am not eating enough, I am also not eating enough of the things that I should be eating. According to my dietitian, I need to be eating twice what I am currently eating and approximately three times the amount of protein. Since I have the slowest metabolism on the planet (ahh, the key to not being able to lose weight), eating is supposed to solve this.

2) I am not exercising enough. I have a gym membership that I never use. This will change when I leave the part-time job. There will be no excuse to not go when I have every afternoon off. I am looking forward to this.

3) I am not being nice enough to myself. I am trying to be better about this. I honestly think that I need to run away from home for a few days to collect my thoughts and to find some inner peace. Money is an issue here.

4) I don't tell people how I feel about them enough. I like to think that people know that I love them. But I think that I need to tell them more. I think that I worry about leaving next year without people knowing how much I care about them.

5) I don't stick up for myself enough. I have been trying to be better about this too. I let people step all over me, and it sucks. For some reason, I have always been an easy target. I don't know why. In this, there are relationship difficulties with my father and sister. I worry about these relationships as I plan for my trip. Emotionally and spiritually, I am more at peace without them in my life. But I also feel like a failure for not making these relationships work.

A Dream Is But A Dream

I have several types of recurring dreams. The first one is that I am literally pulling out my hair, like in big huge chunks. I used to have really long red (dyed) hair. In all of my hair pulling dreams, my hair is the same. Usually, it's just because I am running my fingers through it and I pull out a chunk. I will hold up my hand the the wind takes this huge chunk of curly hair away from me.

The second dream is that various things are happening in one of the houses that I grew up in. I loved this house. It was a turn of the century something. It had all hardwood floors, a huge wood fireplace hearth in the front foyer. The stair case was beautiful, and parted at the bottom to either lead you into the foyer or the kitchen. There was a huge back porch that was the length of the house. Last nights dream involved 5 children coming to the door hungry. I let them in and the various friends who were there fed and cared for them.

The third dream is that my past friends and present friends are all in the same room and pandemonium happens. This is usually a pretty entertaining dream.

I have recently found a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years. Thinking of times with her made me think of other friends. I had this great friend named Tom Franks. Tom grew up very very Catholic. It was hilarious that we were so tight since I was an atheist through our entire friendship. Tom went away to college at Dartmouth and then decided to go to Seminary School in NYC. I remember Tom coming home from school on weekends. For some reason I was always able to open up to him. I could tell him anything, from doubts about God to problems with guys. I miss Tom. One of the last times I saw him, was the day that he took his vows to become a Priest. Last night Tom was in my dream, and I am now pretty determined to find out what happened to him.

Living With A Foolish Heart

I try to live by my own little "find beauty in everything" rule. About a week ago I was telling a friend about another friend. These friends have never met or seen the interactions that I have with either of them. I was telling one friend how beautiful I think that another friend of mine is. I was automatically called a lesbian. Judgemental much?? I have this friend, who is fun to be around, has a great personality and just happens to be gorgeous. I don't understand why my appreciation of this person automatically makes it seem that I am dating or attracted to them. I happen to find that most of my friends are completely gorgeous and I can pinpoint parts of them that I find attractive (and that I am completely envious of)... Example, Elaine has a great butt, Erin has a beautiful smile, Bon has great boobs. Does this mean that I am attracted to each of my friends?? No, but I have friggin' awesome friends, so who could blame me if I was?

Phone Fasting or Complicating Simplicity

I felt a little out of control for a while. So for some reason I thought that if I stopped using my phone that I would feel a little better. Not the case. I have actually found not using the phone to be extremely inconvenient. This annoys me. I also believe that I may have an unhealthy relationship going on with my phone. In all of the things that I have to get rid of in the next year: furniture, pets, clothes, SHOES... the thing that gets me is that I may have to get rid of my phone. I also believe that I have to buy a laptop to take with me so that I can stay in touch with friends and family while I am away.

Since we live in a "right now" society. Let's evaluate how technology has us all by the balls (or boobs):

1) If we can't email someone, we call them... if they don't answer, we text them. If they don't answer the text, we call or text them again until they answer... in the mean time we could have solved the problem about 15 minutes ago.

2) The internet is an amazing thing. I have self-diagnosed myself so many times thanks to webmd.com that I can't even believe that my doctor believes anything that I say. Once, I self-diagnosed that I had adult-onset ADD. So, I got an MRI... which I didn't know that they did for that. It turns out that I am just incredibly impatient.

3) dictionary.com... when was the last time you actually cracked open a dictionary??

4) The self-check out line. Personally, I think that this may possibly be the greatest invention of the 21st century. HA, grumpy cashiers, I can avoid you altogether now!!

5) Nobody has to go to the movies anymore. They can order every movie on the planet from the comfort of home. Let's just stay home for the rest of our lives and live in the giant butt implant that we have created in our couches.

6) I don't remember the last time I actually paid for gas in cash. Actually, this is a good thing. Another wonderful invention, since the gas station cashiers are pretty grumpy too.

I think that I am going to make a hard core attempt to simplify. I may POSSIBLY cut out texting from my phone plan (thanks to the inspiration of Morgan), and reduce my minutes. Do not hold me to this, as I am completely attached to my phone. I am hoping to save some cash this way and put the balance into my savings account, but I have to muster up the stamina to depend less on the wonderful invention of the cell phone. I am also going to ACTUALLY cancel the cable. I have been talking about doing this for a while, but got severely lazy. Okay, I was watching South Park reruns and enjoying Intervention. What can I say?? I like Intervention.

Reconstrucing Hindi

I made a pit stop at Walmart (castle of evil... damn their low prices!!) to replenish my yarn supply. Since half of the people that I know are having babies, one project finished, another started yesterday.

Where I would usually take advantage of the self-checkout line, to avoid negative Walmart employee attitude, I decided to jump into a line where a small Indian woman was the cashier. Upon putting my stuff on the belt, I noticed that the woman in front of me was speaking fluent Hindi. She was not Indian, or of Indian decent... from the looks of her.

The three of us started talking, and I asked said woman where she learned to speak fluent Hindi. Her response... Bollywood films.

Bollywood (Hindi: बॉलीवूड, Urdu: بالی وڈ) is the informal term popularly used for the Mumbai-based Hindi-language film industry in India. The term is often incorrectly used to refer to the whole of Indian cinema; it is only a part of the Indian film industry. Bollywood is one of the largest film producers in the world and the largest in terms of number of films produced.

The name is a portmanteau of Bombay (the former name for Mumbai) and Hollywood, the center of the American film industry. However, unlike Hollywood, Bollywood does not exist as a real physical place. Though some deplore the name, arguing that it makes the industry look like a poor cousin to Hollywood.

Now, we are not talking about this chick taking classes and then applying them to movies. She literally became fluent while watching Hindi movies. I have always been pretty good at picking up languages... but this is kind of insane. Listening to this woman was amazing.

Basically, I need to get on the ball with learning my Hindi. I have been completely slacking off with it lately. I need a tutor though. I tried to catch this woman to inquire as to if she would be interested in tutoring, but I lost her. Bummer.

Side note: My friend, Kari, thinks that I should write a book. I find this hilarious and intriguing.

Gasping At Shooting Stars

Last night Elaine, Erin, Dominic (Erin's younger brother), and I went out to Jordan Lake at 1am to try to catch some of the meteor shower residue of Perseids. So, we met at the Bayless Barn and headed out of the city.

The Perseids are bits of debris left by comet Swift-Tuttle.The debris is like a river of small particles in space, and each year, Earth passes through it. As the bits zoom through our atmosphere at 37 miles per second (60 kps) they vaporize, creating the brilliant streaks of light. Most of the meteors are no larger than a grain of sand.

So, onward we went. We parked roadside and walked about a 1/2 mile through the woods. Picture Blair Witch, but with a paved road. We didn't know where we were going. We didn't know what we would find at the end. All we knew is that there was supposed to be a parking lot and a lake. We illuminated signs with the light of cell phones. We joked about axe murderers coming out of the woods. I think that my exhaustion, fused with the excitement of what was to come was fueling my adrenaline.

Then there was a parting of the trees. I thought that the moon was a streetlight, which would have been most annoying considering our quest.

We made it. There is was. A vast clearing. Stars everywhere. A gorgeous lake, hidden away from the city. We found our spot, and layed down blankets and pillows and made a picnic type situation. Then everyone just crashed.

It was so open. Just completely open. And for the first time, in a few weeks, I felt free. I was exhausted. I had been bringing grumpiness and depression to a new art form. It was so far past my bedtime that it was kind of ridiculous. I smiled and laughed the whole time. We didn't see one meteor that we weren't completely enthralled by... even the small ones were something spectacular. Erin commented that she was just gasping at each one. I found this to be true to each of us. We couldn't help it. It was just that amazing.

At one point, we all just got quiet. I am not sure if it was the overwhelming beauty... the exhaustion... or that we ran out of things to talk about (I highly doubt this one). It was like a deep breath came from all of us. My smile continued. Erin felt the need to set an alarm in case we all fell asleep.

On the walk back to the car, Elaine started to talk about "vision". How she thinks that her vision to become a pastor isn't big enough since people are not mocking her. I mocked her on this statement. But our walk really got me thinking of what is happening in the next year. I am walking blindly, with people to support me and make sure that I don't get lost in the dark. I see the parting of trees to an opening. An oasis appears. Everything that I find so beautiful is there: stars, water, trees, friends, calm, peace. This is all that I want out of life. This peaceful feeling that never seems to be around in my waking (daylight) hours.

And there it was in all of it's simplicity... laying right in front of me in pitch dark, covered with stars and grass. The metaphor for my trip. What I have been trying to figure out for the past six months. My huge DUH moment.

This isn't about me.

None of this is about me. The past doesn't matter (yes, Elaine... I know you said this before). What happens in the future doesn't matter. It's what I do with what I have that matters. Yes, I might go to India and not help a single person. But it's not about what I want. I am doing what I feel that I am being lead to do. THIS is what God wants me to do with my life. I need to believe that this is the right thing. That all of this money crap is going to work out. That my being broke all of the time will have some kind of silver lining attached to it.

The question that I keep asking myself is this... WHAT DO I WANT??

This is hard to answer, because I keep going back to "this isn't about me". I mean, it is and it isn't. I know that I want my life, my being on the planet, to mean something to someone. I don't care who, and I don't care where. I just want to know that I haven't completely wasted my life. I have pissed away the past nearly 20 years. I look at the successes of people my age. I am admittedly jealous. Marriages. Babies. Houses. Careers. None of these things feel like they would fit me. It's like a bad prom dress... you know that you have to wear one to be socially accepted at the prom, but they all fit like crap. They are made for one shape, and my shape is not complimentary to the fit of the dress.

I am blind here. For some reason, I know that this is okay.

Fly away little bird

Any place in this open mouthed world

Begs to be fed like a bed that beckons you, but you won't rest

Everyone's got a need to go

Most of us stick with our row to hoe

But not you, you're the black crow

With a straight line, and no time

For the birds of prey who wreck your nest

Twice your size steal your best

They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way

I am the words you'll never say

I crossed the great beyond of fear

I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view

You went there too

~Indigo Girls

Oh, That's Why.

Thanks Sarah.

Basking In The Generosity Of Others & The "What Ifs"

I have been completely overwhelmed with stuff. Unfortunately, all of this stuff is in my head, so I can't just put it somewhere and let it simmer until I'm ready to deal with it.

Money. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking/praying about it. And it pretty much consumes most of my thoughts during my waking hours. This really sucks. I hate this. I don't know how to make this stop.


This morning, a woman that I don't know very well, but who has always been super nice to me sent me an email. She wants to support my trip. She has a business of her own, and she proposed that if I can send some clients her way that she would give me a percentage of what she charges them. I have no idea of where I would find clients for her. So if anyone knows of someone who needs professional window treatments done, please let me know.

Yesterday, I was ensured that I won't be homeless when my lease is up in April. I thought that it was a joke at first, but then had a serious discussion that pretty much put my mind at ease. I am also allowed to bring Hugo (my cat) with me. But, he still needs a permanent home before I leave for India.

I also believe that I have found a permanent home for my dog. I have several options here. One of them involved going to New York to leave her with a friend who is convinced that Chloe will peacefully sit in a bag to ride the subway everyday so that she can accompany her to work. In an ideal world, I would love this. Then I know that she wouldn't be alone all day. In reality, I see my friend doing a lot of additional laundry because Chloe is peeing all over her due to the stress of the subway. She's old, and becoming intolerant of many things. Luckily, a local friend has offered to take Chloe in. This made me really happy, because then I can actually check on her to make sure that she is doing okay.

People are coming out of the woodwork to support me. I have a handful of people who I believe will truly support me financially while I am gone. LankEB has already agreed to be my power of attorney and to handle some of my financial matters for me.

This is so scary.

So... what's wrong??

I went to the prayer labyrinth the other morning. I was there alone. This was good because it gave me a chance to sit and think and journal and try to put some thoughts together that make sense. I made a pros and cons list for my trip. I was attempting to gather whatever lingering thoughts and concerns that I had and try to make them productive.

Here are my fears:

1) That I am using this trip and this experience as a means to run away from something else going on in my life. (i.e. responsibility, relationships, loneliness)

2) That I will go over there and not make a difference at all. That my being there won't matter to anyone.

3) What if I don't want to return to America at the end of the trip? What if I want to try to create a life for myself there, away from family and friends? What will that mean for my life here in the States?

4) What if I get there and my financial support dries up?

5) What if I begin to lose myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?

6) What if I completely fuck up this entire experience and want to come home? What am I going to do then??

7) What if I am gone for so long that my nieces don't remember me? Or that my family has no desire to visit that part of the world and they never come to see me??

Yes. These are things that I worry about.

I am trying to go into this whole thing with the attitude that failure is not an option. Failure is not something that can even happen, because after all I am making an attempt to contribute to the greater good of the world. My mom's words are lingering... "You have a way of not following through on things you do."

Yeah, the panic attacks are starting again.

Deep breath.
Deep breath.

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

The issue of judgement has been popping up around me at least twice a day for the past few weeks, and I guess that its time that I come to terms with what I have been judgemental about. Being inspired by a good friend who is dealing with her judgement issues, I am sitting at work today with lots of little negative thoughts in my head about the people around me.

Yesterday, I offered someone some chocolate chips that I keep in my desk, in the event of a chocolate emergency. She didn't want them because they are vegan chocolate chips. This pissed me off, as I was trying to do something nice and I felt like I was being judged (not for the first time) by this person for being vegan. She says that she doesn't like vegan food. Then I asked her if she likes Oreos (VEGAN!!!).

We have a new person in our department. Our trainer (who I consider a friend) is in pretty tight with the big bosses... she constantly criticizes herself for being "the favorite". My thought... quit your bitching. We all know that you will be our supervisor someday, and hopefully I will be in India by that time.

I like to use my vacation time at my leisure... afterall, it's my vacation time. There is a person at work who always criticizes people for using chunks of their vacation time. She has three kids and likes to roll hers over to sick time. I have no kids, and don't have to do that... so stop with the jealousy that I can actually take a vacation.

A woman at work has extremely loose morals... like loose... like gross loose... like gossiping everyone knows her business loose. Not only this, but she isn't a nice person. She is actually a complete bitch. Yeah, I don't know what to do with this one because I have tried repeatedly to be nice to her and it's a giant waste of time. I believe that God will forgive me for this one because I have actually made serious efforts to be nice to this person.

The same person who is against my chocolate chips is also against anyone who doesn't speak English. She was in the Army for a long time and lived overseas for quite a few years. I asked her if she can speak the languages of any of the places that she lived. Her answer was no. Interesting, huh??

My friend let me down this week. I am easily disappointed when people don't follow through on things that they tell me that they are going to do. It wasn't that I was upset for me, but for my cause. This person has asked me several times about my cause for the India trip, and yet didn't show up for the information that was given out this week. I made it out that they didn't care, which I am sure isn't true.

Another friend keeps telling me how she is so envious that I am doing this or that. Well, what's stopping you? Don't put me on a pedestal.

I want the people that I care about to follow their dreams. It took me forever to get up the courage to follow mine. I get angry at people who complain about things and don't make any effort to change them. I get annoyed when someone says, "I wish I could... but..." But nothing!! We live in a society that makes everything easy. Everything is convenient and handed to us in these pretty little boxes. I am not saying that some things aren't difficult. But look at our world. We have running water, cable TV, internet access, air conditioning. I don't know one person who doesn't own a car. I can't think of a person that I know that doesn't have education available to them. I actually feel guilty sometimes, because I have come home from places like Ukraine and fallen back into the comforts of being an American.

So yeah, the judgement is there. I have to fight it. I have to understand where others are coming from. But when I come across complete disregard for personal choice (for example, my vegan ism), I become completely enraged. RRROOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!

I am judged.

I also judge.

Quotable Quotes

Certain people make fun of me for writing down interesting quotes... yes, I am easily inspired.
I have been in a super foul mood lately. My mind and my body are working against me this week for some reason, and so I am trying to lift my own mood.

I will take any inspiration that I can get. Here are a few quotes that lift me up:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~Ghandi

"My friends are my estate." ~Emily Dickinson

walking we are caught, by tiny hooks that hold our hope
our skin may be scratched, but nothing holds us back
i will be brave, my body may change
but my spirit will stay, i will be brave
~Erin McKeown

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
~Missy Higgins

"Just because you have a parent, doesn't mean they have to be in your life." ~Angela Shelton
(Having to do with the relationship struggles with my father.)

"Truth is so rare that it is delightful to tell it." ~Emily Dickinson

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." ~Dorothy Parker

"Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?" ~Jewel

"There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't. " ~Tori Amos

"Remember the Father is singing over you, sweet Kerry!" ~Tammi Palpant

Can You Feel The Burn??

Last night I was put on the spot. "The spot" is not a place that I am comfortable in, as I think that I feel like its a confrontation type of thing.

Last night Evergreen showed my film (not MY film, but a film that shows a view of women being trafficked), and I had to sit in front of a bunch of people... luckily, most of which I knew and explain my passion for the Trafficing cause. For the first 10 minutes I thought that I was going to throw up. But, I made it through and was completely satisfied with the results.

Today I feel the burn. Even though I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning, as I have not been feeling well this week... I am feeling this complete rejuvenation of my cause. I feel like I am making an incredible move forward in my life. I have felt this before, but I think that having shared my purpose in a "public" way has shown me that what I am choosing to do is, in fact, an incredible act.

After the film, a friend came to me to thank me for going to India. She thanked me. I thought of this as I was trying to fall asleep last night and it brought me to tears.

So, now I am trying to push any negativity toward this trip aside. My family is not being supportive at all. I just have to keep saying "I'm going... I'm going."

I have been having crazy nightmares lately. Last night I had a dream about my return from India. I was sitting in this spot. At my desk at work. Trying to blog about future endeavors. This is not a place that I want to be again. I don't want to 'dream' about what I am going to do. I want to actually do it. When I got in touch with someone from Oasis the other day I asked her if anyone had ever done back to back assignments. She said that people have done this, but it was pretty rare. The folks who do this change assignments, since there are so many different projects that need help. I am pretty sure that this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I just can't see myself coming back to the States after two years and sitting behind a desk. I think that I would consider this my idea of hell.

I have decided that during the hiatus that I will inevitably have to take that I want to see the world. There is so much of it out there that is so incredible. I want to visit my friends in Zhytomyr and tell them of my cause in India. I want to go to the Berlin Wall. I want to see actual kangaroos and koala bears in Australia. I want to walk on the Great Wall of China. I want to pray with monks in Nepal. I want to fight the Red Light District in Thailand. I want to save at least one girl from being sold into a brothel in Laos. I want to fight for the rights of migrant workers who are making $0.40 a week in Burma. I want to educate others. I want others to want to educate themselves of what is going on beyond what Fox News or CNN is showing them in their comfortable living rooms with their cable TV and air conditioning. I want to get my hands dirty. I dream about how great it will be to physically be in the midst and excitement of a rescue. I yearn to help someone put their life together, to become self-sufficient.

I am looking for the spiritual experience of all of these adventures. A good friend told me that I am going because I am looking for something. So what?? Yes, I am looking for something. I am looking for that part of me that I lost in my youth. I am trying to find that part of me that I have been ignoring for so many years that I am not sure if I will recognize it when I find it.

Thanks Again, Mom

Today I called my mom. Sometimes I wish that I would rethink doing this before hand. When I call my mother, one of two things happens. 1.) She is ecstatic to hear from me because she hasn't talked to me in a few days. She wants to catch up on what is new and different (these are usually pretty short conversations that last for my 8 minute stint on the beltline in the morning). 2.) She finds some way to knock me off of whatever cloud I seem to be floating around on. Today, I received the later. Don't get me wrong. My mom is a great lady. She loves her family. She has a good heart. But, she has this way of trying to make me feel like a complete failure, even though I know that it's not her initial intent.

So, today I called her to ask her about storage of some things for next year. We talked about that for a few minutes. We had previously spoken about her buying my car from me. Since Crystal has left for Peru, she offered to let me use her car so that I could get rid of mine and not have to worry about car payments. This sounds great to me. Then I can take the car payment money and put that away every month. This would mean that in one year I will have an extra $3000. Um, hell yeah!!

The conversation went something like this.
Me: "Hey mom, since Crystal is gone, she offered me her car since it will just be sitting in a driveway in Wake Forest."
Her: "How long is she going to be gone for?"
Me: "About a year and a half, as is the plan right now, but we don't really know."
Her: "What if you get into an accident?"
Me: "That is what insurance is for."
Her: "What if you don't end up going?"
Me: "I'm going, so that's not a problem."
Her: "But what if you don't?"
Me: "Why wouldn't I go? I have been planning this for months and will continue to plan it for the next year. Hence, I am going."
Her: "Well, you have a way of not following through on things you do."
Me: "Thanks mom."

Information Update

I just spoke with someone from OasisUSA, in California. Jo, who I believe is from Australia, was super helpful in answering some of my questions.

Yes... I can do a two year stint in India for the Human Trafficing Project.

Living conditions... because of the term of my assignment, I would have to get an apartment and live as I would in America.

It was suggested that I ask folks for donations starting NOW!!! Asking friends to contribute money toward my fees. This money can be donated to Oasis directly when I get my application approved. Since I have decided to do this early, it seems that there is time and I can stress a little less.

Jo also clarified the phone number thing for me for calling overseas. So, I will be able to contact the London office in the near future, without trouble. Thanks Jo.

Living Vicariously

Yesterday, I said goodbye to someone who I have grown to love very much. Crystal is leaving tomorrow evening for Peru. She and Rob (her man) have decided to just pack up and head to South America to see what happens. Today, I am living vicariously through Crystal. Not because she gets to leave the States before me, but because she has the courage to leave for no other reason than to leave. She has no purpose in Peru right now than to live. How friggin' cool is that??

I have been thinking a lot about what will happen when my trip to India comes to a close. I don't know why I am hung up on something that is so ridiculously far in the future, but I am. Where will I go? Where will I live? Will I return to Raleigh?? For some reason, I feel that once I leave the country that I won't be returning. And I'm not sure if I should find peace in this or be completely freaked out by it.

I think that I am amazed at Crystal's bravery. I know her plan. This plan is not the plan that she has shared with others, especially her and Rob's family. She has this whole other plan, and it's kind of scary. At the same time, I find it so interesting that she has no fear... no hesitation... no issues whatsoever with her decision. Yeah, she has Rob to travel with her. But, he knows no Spanish. Needless to say, things will be difficult for him.

I am find that all around me, people are starting to really follow their dreams. This is such a cool thing to be a part of. One friend is graduating from Divinity School. One friend is planning a trip, that may as well be, around the world. Another friend is returning to school to become a teacher. These are all things that have been tucked away in our brains forever. So, why now? Why the sudden change of heart to follow what we have been tucking away for years and years? The simple answer... we have nothing to lose.

New goal: I want to have my Oasis application in by November 1st. I spent over two hours trying to call the London office last Friday. To my disappointment, I wasn't able to reach them on my cell phone. I have to find someone with a land line who would be willing to let me make this call. (You have to love SunCom!!) The reason for this decision is that I am having some insecurities about the application process. I have a lot of questions that I need to have answered by the Oasis folks. I am trying to get the ball rolling on the fund-raising thing.

Side note: Crystal and Rob's plane is leaving Raleigh at 5:30 pm on Tuesday 08/05/08. If you can spare a few minutes to pray for a safe trip for them, I am sure that they would appreciate it.

One Life... And Other Stuff

SUCCESS!!! I have managed to quit one of my jobs. This is a wonderful day. Not only have I quit, but I can afford to quit. I received my yearly raise letter. It was a great letter. I am receiving al most double what I was expecting. YAY!!! (Lilo and Zrbrt... I will make a special trip just to bring you treats.)

It's been a crazy couple of days. I got a vacation, which is always a good thing. I got a lot of sun. A LOT OF SUN. I am reliving the sunburn of the beach trip with LankEB two weeks ago. But, I am relaxed and I got to see one of my favorite people. (Not you, Bon).

Sophie has gotten so big and she walks everywhere, and she giggles and has teeth and talks in this crazy baby language that nobody understands... maybe it's Czeck. She is like this tiny lady. It's insane. The coolest thing about Sophie is that she gives great hugs. If she lets you pick her up, (which she did) she looks at you for a second and then just lays her head on your shoulder and wraps her arms around your neck. It's the greatest feeling in the world. I'm glad she gives hugs. I look at Sophie, looking at Bonnie and my heart melts. I just want to eat them both up. (sorry I bit you, Bon.) Once I learn to use my camera, I will post a pic of Sophie (0r Topher, as I like to call her).

Erin and I had quite the experience in Tennessee at her shows. Let's just say that we won't be going back to Tennessee anytime soon. It was a weekend of music and fish frys... Oh the memories will haunt us for the rest of our lives. But good times were had by all. Being in Asheville always wakes up this part of me that dies when I come back to Raleigh. I know that it sounds sad, but I think that if I lived there that I would take this feeling for granted. I think that we must have walked about 20 miles in 3 days, give or take a few miles. Asheville was closed for this year's Belle Cherre (I don't think I spelled this right). All of downtown Asheville closes down to traffic so that vendors and musicians can gather. Apparently, it's the biggest street fair in the south.

We did have a chance to visit Jubilee Church on Sunday, but were disappointed by the lack of vegan blueberry waffles from the restaurant next door. I love Jubilee. I love to read their bulletin. The service was about 'love', always a good subject.

We divide our days by minutes and hours, calendars and clocks. We divide our lives by birthdays and anniversaries, victories and failures, milestones and memories, births and deaths. And we divide each day of our lives into job and recreation, eating and love-making, shopping and sleeping, cooking and driving, planning, partying, parenting, praying, and pooping.

But no matter how much we separate the various parts of our lives... no matter how much we pigeonhole our activities, thoughts, worries, joys and passions... what it finally comes down to is this: We each and all have but one life. No more, no less. One life. Chop it up, split it up, segment it any way you choose, it's all one. Every goof and glory, every crushing defeat and smashing success. It's all one. you and I and every bozo bouncing around on this Milky Way Marble have one life apiece. Only one. That's all you get, at least until you bow out. After that, God only knows.

Which means that whatever you do-- even the smallest thought, the most insignificant activity in the tiniest moment-- affects everything else. every time you lay your money down for whatever doodah you think you just gotta have, you are shifting and shaping every element of your one life. Your one precious life.
Every chat you have, every movie you watch, every lip you kiss, every bath you take; not to mention every grudge you hold, every kindness you share, every worry you clutch, every delight you enjoy... not one of these bits of you can be isolated. Every bit of it is part of you. It's not that every little bit touches every other little bit; cause we're not little bits. We're one.
~Howard Hanger

I've got some craziness going on around these parts lately. More on that later.

The Evergreen Social Justice Film Series is next week, and I have lots of work to do. I am hoping that I don't fall on my ass, as public speaking is not my thing (yeah, I know LankEB, it's not exactly public speaking). I have to say that I am pretty excited about sharing the info that I have on Human Trafficing. I hope that folks show up.

A Light At The End of The Tunnel

In the new information that I have received from Oasis, apparently there is the opportunity for a two year placement on the Human Trafficing Project. The downside (although not really) is that I may have to be placed in Bangladesh instead of India. I am okay with this. I know that I am being lead to work on this project.

More updates later.

Setting the World on Fire

"Some men just want to watch the world burn."
~Alfred the Butler (The Dark Knight)

I saw The Dark Knight the other evening with some friends. Great movie. This line really made me think. Every time some random quote makes me think and I get stuck on it, I absolutely have to write it down. I have gotten so that I can relate almost anything to the suffering in the world. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

For example, I am quitting my part-time job because the people that I work with are completely negative all of the time. One of them hates that I am going to head over to India in hopes of working on the trafficing project, because 'we have problems in the U.S.' My question to her was, "well... what are you doing for the world?" I didn't get an answer.

The world is suffering. And while I don't expect every single person to be an advocate for change. I do expect respect and support from those who don't have the desire to make the changes themselves. I have family members who think this way also. It's very annoying and just plain ignorant.

Personally, I have watched the world burn long enough.

You will laugh at destruction and famine, and need not fear the beasts of the earth. ~Job 5:22

Trapped

Jesus came to free you. You need to let him do it. ~Matt Brown

I think that we forget that we were not put on this earth to just exist, but to live. I work all the time. At least I feel like I work all the time. I want to quit my jobs. Actually, only one of them. Ironically, it's the one that is supposed to be fun.

I need to keep my head on straight. I need to realize that I have goals ahead of me that are going to be lived out. I need to keep my priorities straight. I am covered and challenged with distractions these days. It's getting harder and harder to keep them at arm's length.

The truth is that I am completely terrified of failing at this project. The closer the time comes to turn in applications, defend my decisions, speak to folks at Oasis about placement... the more freaked out I get. I think that at this point, I just want to run away from home.

I am not feeling my freedom. I know that it's out there. I just don't know where to find it. It makes me sad and annoyed that I have to give up my life and create a new one to discover true freedom. We are held down by bills, obligations, debt, family, friends. Negativity is everywhere. Negativity is keeping me captive. I need to break the chains.

Big Excitement

When I started to plan my pilgrimage, a few months ago, I contacted as many people in the anti-trafficing movement that I could find. I couldn't even estimate as to how many emails I sent out. The other day, I was contacted by someone involved with the trafficing project. This is a huge deal, as it could lead to actual employment in the organization. Very exciting. I let this guy know of my intention to join Oasis India, and am hoping to hear back from him soon concerning other opportunities.

I hope
For love, joy and laughter
I hope
We'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope
We'll have more happy ever afters
I hope
We can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope
~Dixie Chicks

(I may have just lost a little respect for myself by quoting the Dixie Chicks.)

Old Dogs

This morning I came to the realization that by April of next year I have to find homes for my animals. I am saying April because this is when my lease is up on the apartment and I don't know where I will be living. This made me cry a little. I know that I can't take them with me. Well, technically I probably can take them with me, but I wouldn't know what to do with them in London during training. I love my animals. I am starting to freak out a little over what to do with them. This is hitting me this week, as I am deciding what to do with a lot of the unused stuff laying around my apartment.

I have started to rack my brain over what to do with them. I know that Hugo will most likely go live in Asheville with Bonnie. We have an unspoken agreement. Bonnie went on a cross-country trip that lasted about two years and left me her cats about 9 years ago. I am, however, worried about what is going to happen to Chloe. She is an old dog, she just turned 10. She is starting to show her age. Small dogs tend to live to be approximately 15 years old. This means that by the time I get back from India, she may be dead. Yeah, I know that this is a morbid thought, but it's reality.

I am really hoping that family will take Chloe into their homes, or that she can live with Bonnie. At least then she will be with Hugo. And Bonnie's husband is a stay-at-home dad, so she won't be alone for long periods of time.

A New Name & New Face

I figured that it was time to change the name and face of my blog, since I have found the purpose of my spiritual journey. My journey of spiritual clarification has been clarified. I have found my way... and here I am paving the path to where I am meant to go. It's an exciting time in my life.

"Whenever you're sad, things aren't working out for you, look around, see if there's someone else in trouble, go and help them. And I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, your problems will be solved." ~Guru Gil

This week I have officially let the cat out of the bag in regards to my intention to leave the country next year. With the exception of work (because of office politics BS), I am letting everyone know my intention. Yesterday alone, I received two negative responses. Neither of these responses was a surprise to me. Today, however, made up for this. I have emailed a bunch of people to ask for support. A good friend from high school emailed me her support and said that she has a passion for the human trafficing cause. This made me feel so much better. I am getting mixed reactions from people. From complete and utter amazement at my 'bravery', to absolute disgust that I would take on the problems of another country instead of staying in the U.S. to help our own problems.

I admit that I am not a patriotic person. I actually despise patriotism. I think that because of this, I look at the problems of other countries as the world's problems. Not America's problems... not India's problems... not Ukraine's problems. OUR PROBLEMS. The world's problems are humanity's problems. It's closed-minded judgement, like this, that causes racism. This leads me to another reaction that I received. "You are going to live with the terrorists." This made me want to vomit.

I am trying to get past the naivete of others. My attempts to let these terrible things roll off of my back, is basically failing. I get super defensive. I want to lash out and correct the stupidity that oozes out of their mouths. It's exhausting.

Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you my hear your servant cursing you--for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others. ~Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

Side note: I have opened a savings account and made a plea to friends and family to collect gold to sell for my trip. So far, I've got nothing. I am keeping my hopes up.

Compelling... Isn't It?

22 And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. 23 I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. 24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. ~Acts 20:22-24

com·pel-- to force or drive, esp. to a course of action

When the above verse from Acts was posted onto the screen this morning, I took a deep breath. Today I felt like the message was about my life. I made the decision to allow faith to drive me, and today I feel like God was speaking directly to me for the first time in my life.

Thanks God.

I'm having a hard time explaining to people outside of my immediate support system my purpose in going to India. I am disappointed in the reactions that I am getting outside of the Evergreen Community. Yes, I am compelled to go to India. But, I also believe that I am being called to serve in India. This is seriously exciting as I feel that for the first time in my life, I am living in a truly unselfish state, and letting God lead me in the direction that I am heading for.

My next project... trying to fund raise for my trip.

Journey's End?? NEVER!!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

My internal debate over whether or not I am a Christian has finally come to an end. I spoke to Ed today, we had a really great discussion about what "Christian" means. I admitted that I am completely hung up on the label. I stated that my biggest problem with Christianity is that people take it at face value (this isn't my issue with just Christianity, but with religion in

general). I have a really hard time believing that someone can take something so complex and make it into something simplistic. This would be the cynic in me. So, why haven't I been baptized? Simply, I was afraid of being a hypocrite. I was so afraid of not truly letting Christ into my life. Am I still having a hard time with this? Yes. I think that to some degree, I may always have this internal debate. But I think that it's more intellectual then emotional.

I asked Ed how I would know that it's time to be baptized. I guess that there is not a definitive answer to this question. Apparently, there is a point that people get to where being baptized is "acceptable" (I use this word for lack of a better one). I was told that I had crossed this point a long time ago.

So here I am. Accepting Christ. Calling myself a Christ-follower (as another friend likes

to call herself), rather than a Christian. I believe in the teachings of Christ. I embrace these teachings. I have a great relationship with God. I love this relationship, and I have worked really hard on this relationship. I am embracing my faith. I am embracing my growth and proud of the journey that I have been on for the past three years. Therefore, I will be baptized at Evergreen this fall.

If I could tell the world just one thing

It would be that we're all OK

And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful

And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless

I won't be idle with despair

I will gather myself around my faith

For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

~Jewel

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

I am giving up negativity for Lent. Yeah, I know that it's not Lent season. But why not??

The past few days have been really stressful. I have had a lot going on with various people in my life. My family is completely stressing me out. My roommate situation is stressing me out. I need to make it all go away, at least the negative parts of it.

So, I'm going to give a trial to "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." It's a very third-grade philosophy, but I think that as adults we forget that we epitomize negativity and turn it into this monster that takes on a life of it's own.

I am getting it from every direction. Right now, it's my mom trying to change my mind about going to India. She is worried about my safety, which is completely understandable. But now she is bargaining with me to try to convince me to stay in the country. It's just not going to work.

If I make it through the week without being negative, I will be very pleased with myself.

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple. ~Job 5:2

Hey, Jealousy...

Yesterday, reality set in. Life goes on.

I wasn't expecting to see my ex at church yesterday with a date. It really freaked me out. At first I found it humorous. Then jealousy set in. He was dancing to the music. In the year an a half that he had come to church with me, he hadn't ever done that. He was smiling up a storm. She apparently was very touchy with him. All of this made me uncomfortable. It hurt me. I felt like I was going through the 'stages of mourning' all over again.

For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.

~2 Corinthians 12:20

I found the whole thing tacky (as I heard from at least 4 people), and I feel that he was making a spectacle out of himself. I'm sure that she is very nice. I have nothing against her. I found that I was comparing myself to her. She is thinner than me, with bigger boobs. She was fairly attractive, but had big hair. What does this woman have, personality wise, that I didn't have?? Because, seriously... I am a friggin' awesome person!! I felt like I was at a family reunion, and my ex-husband showed up with a date. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. I actually cried last night over this crap.

I feel like my space was invaded... and my face was being rubbed in it. I hate feeling like this. It's not that I want to have a relationship with him, under any circumstances. He was hateful to me during the breakup. I want him to be happy. I just don't necessarily want to see it. I thought that my life would be with him... and it's not... and I am okay with this. It just never occurred to me that he would actually move on. I know that this is an incredibly selfish thought.

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~Missy Higgins

In Search of Humanity

One of the reasons that I am so adamant about moving out of the country to do my Social Justice Mission is that I want to be a part of something really special. Today, I was exposed to a type of humanity that I had taken for granted. I thank God for this experience.

I think that my eyes were opened today for the first time in a really long time. After an amazing message today, another woman at church and I collected the rest of the uneaten food and loaded up my Cruiser. LS and I headed down to the local men's shelter to hand out food and soda. When we got to the shelter, another Evergreen family was there to hand out bottled water. We ended up tag-teaming the project, and made a huge afternoon out of seeking out the homeless and leaving food and water for them with LS as our guide.

To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. ~1 Corinthians 4:11

At one point in the afternoon, four of us went trekking through the woods. The four of us were walking through the woods yelling "food and water", in hopes of finding recipients for our gifts. While walking on the path, which was littered with trash, clothing left behind by previous tenants, and old blankets. A few hundred feet into the woods, we came upon an orange tent. LS yelled, "Chris??". A stoic "yeah??", came from the tent. A large man unzipped the tent. We left him water and food. It didn't feel like enough. LS got on her knees and started talking in a low-toned voice. Chris started to cry, grabbed LS's hand and kissed it. She leaned into the tent and hugged him. "Thank you. Thank you." I was moved to tears by what was happening, though I hadn't heard the conversation that had taken place.

We got into the car and headed for our next destination, just down the road. I was met with an aggressive woman who literally told me to "F*@& Off!!" But past her, a man met us on the bridge to a path. LS approached him and asked him to find any others who may be hiding in the woods. We left a few plates of food and about a dozen bottles of water and asked that he distribute them. We were basically advised to not go into the woods.

Our final destination was downtown Raleigh. We found ourselves in front of the bus station. There were about a dozen people hanging out. A woman named Dana thanked me for the fruit. She said, "cantaloupe is so refreshing on a hot day." She then said, "a lot of people look at me and wonder why I'm homeless. But I've only been this way for a week or two." I told her that I had had a similar experience, by living in my car when I was in Iowa for a few weeks. I told her that I would pray for her and her boyfriend. She thanked me again for the water and fruit. She was so grateful for our visit.

On the way to drop LS off at home, she told me Chris' story. She met Chris a while back, who helped her do some work on her house. It turns out that Chris is schizophrenic and is susceptible to extreme mood swings without his medication. He was abandoned as a child to a family member who was extremely abusive. LS has maintained a friendship with this man. She bought him the orange tent that he is currently living in. She makes sure that he is able to access medication for his mental illness. More recently, LS was able to contact Chris' sister in Oklahoma. She agreed to take him in. This news was delivered during our trip to the woods. The main challenge now is raising money for a bus ticket to get him to his family.

I couldn't thank LS enough for sharing this experience with me today. I felt so selfish today. I was tired and hot. I was grumpy from another experience earlier today. I think that I am going to try to do this at least once a month. I learned that the shelter doesn't allow the men to stay indoors during the day, only in extreme heat and weather conditions.

Social Justice Missionary

Lately, I have been feeling like an upside down turtle. I can see the whole world from where I am laying, but it's all distorted. I have to struggle to get everything right-side-up again. I feel like I am starting to get a grasp on things again. This is a good thing.

I have been trying to come up with some kind of title for the work that I am doing. Missionary doesn't seem right, as I don't plan on doing any kind of VBS or solely spiritual work while in India. Social Justice Activist is more the truth, but I am going over there for faith reasons also. LankEB came up with "Social Justice Missionary". I love this. It says exactly what I am planning on doing while overseas. In a sense, I still consider myself to be a missionary in that I believe that I am on a mission from God (all hail the Blues Brothers reference). It's true. God has lead me on this path for months, maybe even years. I am so proud of the work that I am going to be doing.

I have started the application process for OasisUK, and LankEB and I have come up with some fundraising ideas. This really took a load off of my mind. I am seemingly coming out of the funk that I had put myself into over the money thing. I am feeling good right now about this. I have been praying a lot, asking God for guidance with the money thing. I am hoping to eventually get the support of Evergreen, not solely monetarily... but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

Cool things that happened yesterday. When walking Chloe, at around 6:15 or so, we found a box-turtle in the grass in front of our building. I love turtles. I am convinced that if I am ever reincarnated that I will be a turtle in my next life. Our company had the "company picnic" yesterday. Basically, that involves free lunch, during your assigned lunch hour. No extra time. But it was also casual day, so I got to wear shorts to work. Doesn't sound like much, but it's the little things that make me happy. When I got home from work last night, I had a Facebook message from my friend John. John and I were good friends growing up in Connecticut. I moved to Raleigh in '96. In the spring of 2000 (I believe, or maybe it was '99, I'm pretty sure it was 2000), John was in a terrible car accident. He was in a coma for months. I drove up north to visit him in the hospital. The last time I saw John, was when he was in the coma, and the last time I talked to John was three months after he came out of his coma. Apparently, John has no recollection of this happening at all. I have spent the past several months trying to figure out a way to get in touch with him. Then he found me. I was so excited. I hope to have some kind of reunion with him before I leave the country next year.

Am I A Christian?

But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. ~1 Samuel 12:24


Okay, I admit it. I am struggling with the whole "Christianity" thing. I don't know what I am. I mean, I don't know the 'title' of what I am. I may need some guidance on this. I have been fighting the title of 'Christian' for a long time. I really hate the negative connotations that go with the title.

So, what is my challenge?? Here it is: Am I A Christian??
This is what it's all about... isn't it?? The answer to this question.

A Christian is a person who adheres to Christianity, a monotheistic[1] religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ as presented in the New Testament[2] and interpreted by Christians to have been prophesied in the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament[3].

Someone asked recently asked me if I was a Christian, and I didn't really know how to answer. My standard answer used to fall under the 'No, I haven't been baptized' realm. This would open up a can of worms (I mean discussion), which would always leave me wondering how it is that everyone was so sure about their faith.

One of the questions on the application for OasisUK is "When did you become a Christian?" I have been avoiding this question like the plague. I don't know if I am a Christian. One of the reasons that I love Evergreen so much is that I went in there as an agnostic and was allowed to grow and explore the path that I have been on for the past 3 or so years. This has not been an easy path. There have been rocks, and sticks, and boulders falling from the sky. Birds have swooped down and tried to eat my hair. Okay, not really... but I am hoping that you are following me here. I have been asked three times over the past three years if I want to be baptized. I have not yet been baptized. I wanted to be sure that I was on the right path before I made this decision. I wanted to make sure that God and I were on the same page.

“Emergent” is a loosely knit group of people in conversation about and trying experiments in forwarding the ministry of Jesus in new and different ways, as the people of God in a post-Christian context. From there, wide diversity abounds. “Emergents” seem to share one common trait: disillusionment with the organized, institutional church as it has existed through the 20th century (whether fundamentalist, liberal, megachurch, or tall-steeple liturgical). Its strengths: creative, energetic, youthful, authentic, highly relational. Its weaknesses: somewhat cynical, disorganized, sometimes reckless (even in the theological ideas willing to be entertained), immature[1]

I have been having a debate with myself over what it means to be an 'Emerging Christian'. I believe that I fall under this category. I am comfortable in my relationship with God. I am aware that it is constantly growing. I know that Jesus was this amazing man. I know that the teachings of Jesus brought people to God. I know all of these things. So, I constantly wonder where all of this knowledge leaves me. I wonder if delayed acquisition of this knowledge is the cause of some of my downfalls in life. Was I being punished? Truthfully, it doesn't matter anymore. I can't change the past. I can only live for today. I can plan for tomorrow. But I can't change what I screwed up yesterday. I am okay with this.

I look to the skies and ask am i getting it right am i getting it done--

did i learn to walk or stay on the run--

is life that fast-that i forget to rest-

or does it mean that much to know i' m the best-

i look to the skies and shout out loud am i who i am or am i just to damn proud-

i look for a single flower or a simple sign-

what is yours and what is mine--

when it has all been said and done do i really think i am the one---

will it all be for a not --

or did i ever see and now forgot-

i look to the skies and ask--

give me a sign or show me a task-

is my life for the cup- or is it a flask-

i look to the skies and say is my life forever or just another day-

i look to the skies and say-

i never look at the garden i am in -just a single flower today- i look to the skies--

i look to the skies and say--- just show me the way.

~david moonlight

Creating A Diabolical Plan

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? ~Proverbs 17:16

I am trying to come up with some kind of diabolical plan to raise this enormous amount of money in a very short period of time. This is really scary to me. As I have already decided that staying is not an option (not to say that I won't return to Raleigh someday), this trip to India is something that I really have to do.

As it stands right now, money is consuming my entire world. I think about it when I get up in the morning, and it's the last thing that I think about when I go to bed at night. I pray for it to appear from nowhere (which I know is a bad thing, sorry God). I am just so worried that this will be one more thing that I fail at. I just want to leave the country for one year. After that year is over, I will decide my next move. Ideally, I would have the opportunity, and funding, to do another year (in my head, I have a two year plan). I would love the opportunity to work on the Trafficing project. But, I am having difficulty communicating this desire to those at Oasis. For now, I will be happy to assist on whatever project they need help with, in hopes that my second year (if there is one) can be directed toward the project.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. ~Matthew 6:24

I am trying to figure out the maximum amount of cash to be put into some kind of savings, and still be able to have the Summer of Kerry. I really need to enjoy myself some. Working has become my entire life this year, and I hate it. I think that I can buy groceries and put gas in my car on the amount of money I make from my part-time job. It will be tight, as I don't make that much from this job, but I think that I can make it work. This will be my experiment for July. This will be hard, as Erin and I are going to Tennessee/Asheville at the end of July.

I also, supposedly, have a raise coming up from my full-time job. We don't know how much yet, but hopefully it will be significant enough to help with my savings plan. I have been really blessed to have friends who are so supportive in this mission. My parents are getting behind me, although my mom has finally voiced her concerns about my going to India alone to work on the Trafficing project. This is another blog topic altogether.

Once I have been accepted into the Oasis program (yeah, they have to accept you), I will receive information regarding fund-raising ideas and instruction. This is frustrating to me, as I really feel that I want to do this now. I feel like I need a giant head start, as raising money for myself is not one of my strong areas. I am not so great at chatting myself up to others.

In the meantime, I am interviewing new roommates this week. So far, I have had three responses to my add on Craig's List. This is a good thing, as moving to a smaller apartment is out of the question. I still wouldn't be able to put away the amount of money that I'm thinking of, and still have some kind of a life. It's really important to me that I enjoy the next year. I want to be with friends, and see my nieces grow. I want to go to the beach and go hiking and hear some really great live music. I may even want to date (I am not sure about this one yet, as I am afraid of creating a distraction from my plan). So, yeah. Any suggestions??

I have also decided that when the new roommate moves in, that I am going to start getting rid of more stuff. The entire closet in the extra bedroom is full of stuff that I haven't seen or used in at least a year. I think that I am going to send at least 90% of it to Ukraine. I am going to have to bribe some help with the purging again with dark chocolate and wine. (Alicia, there will be some kind of liquor for you, sister!!) I am really excited about the prospect of getting rid of stuff. I have decided that I have too much "stuff". It's all crap that I don't need, and since I haven't seen it in a year, I must not want it all that badly.