I'm angry. I mean, I am still angry. I didn't think that I was. Maybe I wasn't, or not... or I'm just situationally angry. Either way, I think that I'm angry. I hate this.
I was able to avoid him for over four months. In those four months, I have found peace. Or what I thought was peace. I was able to move on... or I thought that I had moved on. I made a plan for my life. I found purpose. I found 'my way'. This is a good thing.
Approximately, forty-five seconds. That is how long the conversation was. Forty-five seconds, that I wanted to avoid, and it ruined last week for me. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend that he wasn't there. I wanted to be the bigger person, and put it all behind me. The fact is that he broke my heart. I have spent the past six months coming to terms with this. I don't want him back in my life. Given the opportunity (or whatever you want to call it), if he came to me tomorrow and told me that he wanted to try again... the answer would be a hardcore, adamant 'NO'!!
So, why am I still angry? Shouldn't I be past this by now?? Why is the fact that he is in my world (or the world in general) bothering me? Why can't I find peace in the fact that I am moving on? Am I moving on??
Things have been going well... like really, really well. I have a plan, for the first time in my life I am not just flying by the seat of my pants, jumping the gun and being impulsive. For the f
irst time in my life, I feel good. I feel like I look good. I am getting compliments everyday on something. It's strange, but good. I have great friends. I have always had good friends, but now I have great friends. I love my church... everything about it. I know that I am loved. I know that I am appreciated. I have a good life.So, why am I letting this one thing bring me down? Does this mean that I have not let him go? This is my wall.
2 comments:
How long is an appropriate mourning time for the loss of a spouse? 6 months? 9 months? 2 years?
I know y'all weren't married, but you were awfully close to it. Go easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for not being completely 100% fine. It's a process, not a switch you flip. (Which is good, because if it were a slip then you might find yourself outside an unoccupied bathroom saying, "is the light on? What about now? Is it on now?")
I stayed angry until about a week before we started talking again. I would be happy, fine, completely at peace with my world until I saw that he had written on one of our mutual friend's facebook walls. The anger will heal itself as time goes on, and Elaine's right that you shouldn't beat yourself up. Pray about it, be aware of it when you're in the same setting, but don't place a timetable on when you're going to be all right with it.
It'll be okay. Look back on the progress and growth that you've made, and know that you're still growing. Your heart will stop being angry. :)
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