Hey, Jealousy...

Yesterday, reality set in. Life goes on.

I wasn't expecting to see my ex at church yesterday with a date. It really freaked me out. At first I found it humorous. Then jealousy set in. He was dancing to the music. In the year an a half that he had come to church with me, he hadn't ever done that. He was smiling up a storm. She apparently was very touchy with him. All of this made me uncomfortable. It hurt me. I felt like I was going through the 'stages of mourning' all over again.

For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.

~2 Corinthians 12:20

I found the whole thing tacky (as I heard from at least 4 people), and I feel that he was making a spectacle out of himself. I'm sure that she is very nice. I have nothing against her. I found that I was comparing myself to her. She is thinner than me, with bigger boobs. She was fairly attractive, but had big hair. What does this woman have, personality wise, that I didn't have?? Because, seriously... I am a friggin' awesome person!! I felt like I was at a family reunion, and my ex-husband showed up with a date. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. I actually cried last night over this crap.

I feel like my space was invaded... and my face was being rubbed in it. I hate feeling like this. It's not that I want to have a relationship with him, under any circumstances. He was hateful to me during the breakup. I want him to be happy. I just don't necessarily want to see it. I thought that my life would be with him... and it's not... and I am okay with this. It just never occurred to me that he would actually move on. I know that this is an incredibly selfish thought.

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~Missy Higgins

In Search of Humanity

One of the reasons that I am so adamant about moving out of the country to do my Social Justice Mission is that I want to be a part of something really special. Today, I was exposed to a type of humanity that I had taken for granted. I thank God for this experience.

I think that my eyes were opened today for the first time in a really long time. After an amazing message today, another woman at church and I collected the rest of the uneaten food and loaded up my Cruiser. LS and I headed down to the local men's shelter to hand out food and soda. When we got to the shelter, another Evergreen family was there to hand out bottled water. We ended up tag-teaming the project, and made a huge afternoon out of seeking out the homeless and leaving food and water for them with LS as our guide.

To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. ~1 Corinthians 4:11

At one point in the afternoon, four of us went trekking through the woods. The four of us were walking through the woods yelling "food and water", in hopes of finding recipients for our gifts. While walking on the path, which was littered with trash, clothing left behind by previous tenants, and old blankets. A few hundred feet into the woods, we came upon an orange tent. LS yelled, "Chris??". A stoic "yeah??", came from the tent. A large man unzipped the tent. We left him water and food. It didn't feel like enough. LS got on her knees and started talking in a low-toned voice. Chris started to cry, grabbed LS's hand and kissed it. She leaned into the tent and hugged him. "Thank you. Thank you." I was moved to tears by what was happening, though I hadn't heard the conversation that had taken place.

We got into the car and headed for our next destination, just down the road. I was met with an aggressive woman who literally told me to "F*@& Off!!" But past her, a man met us on the bridge to a path. LS approached him and asked him to find any others who may be hiding in the woods. We left a few plates of food and about a dozen bottles of water and asked that he distribute them. We were basically advised to not go into the woods.

Our final destination was downtown Raleigh. We found ourselves in front of the bus station. There were about a dozen people hanging out. A woman named Dana thanked me for the fruit. She said, "cantaloupe is so refreshing on a hot day." She then said, "a lot of people look at me and wonder why I'm homeless. But I've only been this way for a week or two." I told her that I had had a similar experience, by living in my car when I was in Iowa for a few weeks. I told her that I would pray for her and her boyfriend. She thanked me again for the water and fruit. She was so grateful for our visit.

On the way to drop LS off at home, she told me Chris' story. She met Chris a while back, who helped her do some work on her house. It turns out that Chris is schizophrenic and is susceptible to extreme mood swings without his medication. He was abandoned as a child to a family member who was extremely abusive. LS has maintained a friendship with this man. She bought him the orange tent that he is currently living in. She makes sure that he is able to access medication for his mental illness. More recently, LS was able to contact Chris' sister in Oklahoma. She agreed to take him in. This news was delivered during our trip to the woods. The main challenge now is raising money for a bus ticket to get him to his family.

I couldn't thank LS enough for sharing this experience with me today. I felt so selfish today. I was tired and hot. I was grumpy from another experience earlier today. I think that I am going to try to do this at least once a month. I learned that the shelter doesn't allow the men to stay indoors during the day, only in extreme heat and weather conditions.

Social Justice Missionary

Lately, I have been feeling like an upside down turtle. I can see the whole world from where I am laying, but it's all distorted. I have to struggle to get everything right-side-up again. I feel like I am starting to get a grasp on things again. This is a good thing.

I have been trying to come up with some kind of title for the work that I am doing. Missionary doesn't seem right, as I don't plan on doing any kind of VBS or solely spiritual work while in India. Social Justice Activist is more the truth, but I am going over there for faith reasons also. LankEB came up with "Social Justice Missionary". I love this. It says exactly what I am planning on doing while overseas. In a sense, I still consider myself to be a missionary in that I believe that I am on a mission from God (all hail the Blues Brothers reference). It's true. God has lead me on this path for months, maybe even years. I am so proud of the work that I am going to be doing.

I have started the application process for OasisUK, and LankEB and I have come up with some fundraising ideas. This really took a load off of my mind. I am seemingly coming out of the funk that I had put myself into over the money thing. I am feeling good right now about this. I have been praying a lot, asking God for guidance with the money thing. I am hoping to eventually get the support of Evergreen, not solely monetarily... but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

Cool things that happened yesterday. When walking Chloe, at around 6:15 or so, we found a box-turtle in the grass in front of our building. I love turtles. I am convinced that if I am ever reincarnated that I will be a turtle in my next life. Our company had the "company picnic" yesterday. Basically, that involves free lunch, during your assigned lunch hour. No extra time. But it was also casual day, so I got to wear shorts to work. Doesn't sound like much, but it's the little things that make me happy. When I got home from work last night, I had a Facebook message from my friend John. John and I were good friends growing up in Connecticut. I moved to Raleigh in '96. In the spring of 2000 (I believe, or maybe it was '99, I'm pretty sure it was 2000), John was in a terrible car accident. He was in a coma for months. I drove up north to visit him in the hospital. The last time I saw John, was when he was in the coma, and the last time I talked to John was three months after he came out of his coma. Apparently, John has no recollection of this happening at all. I have spent the past several months trying to figure out a way to get in touch with him. Then he found me. I was so excited. I hope to have some kind of reunion with him before I leave the country next year.

Am I A Christian?

But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. ~1 Samuel 12:24


Okay, I admit it. I am struggling with the whole "Christianity" thing. I don't know what I am. I mean, I don't know the 'title' of what I am. I may need some guidance on this. I have been fighting the title of 'Christian' for a long time. I really hate the negative connotations that go with the title.

So, what is my challenge?? Here it is: Am I A Christian??
This is what it's all about... isn't it?? The answer to this question.

A Christian is a person who adheres to Christianity, a monotheistic[1] religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ as presented in the New Testament[2] and interpreted by Christians to have been prophesied in the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament[3].

Someone asked recently asked me if I was a Christian, and I didn't really know how to answer. My standard answer used to fall under the 'No, I haven't been baptized' realm. This would open up a can of worms (I mean discussion), which would always leave me wondering how it is that everyone was so sure about their faith.

One of the questions on the application for OasisUK is "When did you become a Christian?" I have been avoiding this question like the plague. I don't know if I am a Christian. One of the reasons that I love Evergreen so much is that I went in there as an agnostic and was allowed to grow and explore the path that I have been on for the past 3 or so years. This has not been an easy path. There have been rocks, and sticks, and boulders falling from the sky. Birds have swooped down and tried to eat my hair. Okay, not really... but I am hoping that you are following me here. I have been asked three times over the past three years if I want to be baptized. I have not yet been baptized. I wanted to be sure that I was on the right path before I made this decision. I wanted to make sure that God and I were on the same page.

“Emergent” is a loosely knit group of people in conversation about and trying experiments in forwarding the ministry of Jesus in new and different ways, as the people of God in a post-Christian context. From there, wide diversity abounds. “Emergents” seem to share one common trait: disillusionment with the organized, institutional church as it has existed through the 20th century (whether fundamentalist, liberal, megachurch, or tall-steeple liturgical). Its strengths: creative, energetic, youthful, authentic, highly relational. Its weaknesses: somewhat cynical, disorganized, sometimes reckless (even in the theological ideas willing to be entertained), immature[1]

I have been having a debate with myself over what it means to be an 'Emerging Christian'. I believe that I fall under this category. I am comfortable in my relationship with God. I am aware that it is constantly growing. I know that Jesus was this amazing man. I know that the teachings of Jesus brought people to God. I know all of these things. So, I constantly wonder where all of this knowledge leaves me. I wonder if delayed acquisition of this knowledge is the cause of some of my downfalls in life. Was I being punished? Truthfully, it doesn't matter anymore. I can't change the past. I can only live for today. I can plan for tomorrow. But I can't change what I screwed up yesterday. I am okay with this.

I look to the skies and ask am i getting it right am i getting it done--

did i learn to walk or stay on the run--

is life that fast-that i forget to rest-

or does it mean that much to know i' m the best-

i look to the skies and shout out loud am i who i am or am i just to damn proud-

i look for a single flower or a simple sign-

what is yours and what is mine--

when it has all been said and done do i really think i am the one---

will it all be for a not --

or did i ever see and now forgot-

i look to the skies and ask--

give me a sign or show me a task-

is my life for the cup- or is it a flask-

i look to the skies and say is my life forever or just another day-

i look to the skies and say-

i never look at the garden i am in -just a single flower today- i look to the skies--

i look to the skies and say--- just show me the way.

~david moonlight

Creating A Diabolical Plan

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? ~Proverbs 17:16

I am trying to come up with some kind of diabolical plan to raise this enormous amount of money in a very short period of time. This is really scary to me. As I have already decided that staying is not an option (not to say that I won't return to Raleigh someday), this trip to India is something that I really have to do.

As it stands right now, money is consuming my entire world. I think about it when I get up in the morning, and it's the last thing that I think about when I go to bed at night. I pray for it to appear from nowhere (which I know is a bad thing, sorry God). I am just so worried that this will be one more thing that I fail at. I just want to leave the country for one year. After that year is over, I will decide my next move. Ideally, I would have the opportunity, and funding, to do another year (in my head, I have a two year plan). I would love the opportunity to work on the Trafficing project. But, I am having difficulty communicating this desire to those at Oasis. For now, I will be happy to assist on whatever project they need help with, in hopes that my second year (if there is one) can be directed toward the project.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. ~Matthew 6:24

I am trying to figure out the maximum amount of cash to be put into some kind of savings, and still be able to have the Summer of Kerry. I really need to enjoy myself some. Working has become my entire life this year, and I hate it. I think that I can buy groceries and put gas in my car on the amount of money I make from my part-time job. It will be tight, as I don't make that much from this job, but I think that I can make it work. This will be my experiment for July. This will be hard, as Erin and I are going to Tennessee/Asheville at the end of July.

I also, supposedly, have a raise coming up from my full-time job. We don't know how much yet, but hopefully it will be significant enough to help with my savings plan. I have been really blessed to have friends who are so supportive in this mission. My parents are getting behind me, although my mom has finally voiced her concerns about my going to India alone to work on the Trafficing project. This is another blog topic altogether.

Once I have been accepted into the Oasis program (yeah, they have to accept you), I will receive information regarding fund-raising ideas and instruction. This is frustrating to me, as I really feel that I want to do this now. I feel like I need a giant head start, as raising money for myself is not one of my strong areas. I am not so great at chatting myself up to others.

In the meantime, I am interviewing new roommates this week. So far, I have had three responses to my add on Craig's List. This is a good thing, as moving to a smaller apartment is out of the question. I still wouldn't be able to put away the amount of money that I'm thinking of, and still have some kind of a life. It's really important to me that I enjoy the next year. I want to be with friends, and see my nieces grow. I want to go to the beach and go hiking and hear some really great live music. I may even want to date (I am not sure about this one yet, as I am afraid of creating a distraction from my plan). So, yeah. Any suggestions??

I have also decided that when the new roommate moves in, that I am going to start getting rid of more stuff. The entire closet in the extra bedroom is full of stuff that I haven't seen or used in at least a year. I think that I am going to send at least 90% of it to Ukraine. I am going to have to bribe some help with the purging again with dark chocolate and wine. (Alicia, there will be some kind of liquor for you, sister!!) I am really excited about the prospect of getting rid of stuff. I have decided that I have too much "stuff". It's all crap that I don't need, and since I haven't seen it in a year, I must not want it all that badly.

Bain Of My Existance

I hate money. Elaine said that there are over 2,000 bible versus with money in them. I decided to find some of them. I am doing this because Elaine advised it. I must really love Elaine. Hate money, love Elaine.

But they need not account for the money entrusted to them, because they are acting faithfully. ~2 Kings 22:7

They have paid out the money that was in the temple of the LORD and have entrusted it to the supervisors and workers. ~2 Chronicles 34:17

who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken. ~Psalm 15:5

Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow. ~Proverbs 13:11

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom?
~Proverbs 17:16

Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. ~Ecclesiastes 5:10

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor. ~Ecclesiastes 7:12

A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything.~ Ecclesiastes 10:19 (I hate this one)

[ Invitation to the Thirsty ] "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. ~Isaiah 55:1

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
~Matthew 6:24

These were his instructions: "Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. ~Mark 6:8

It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly. ~Mark 14:5

Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" ~Luke 7:41-42

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. ~1 Timothy 6:10

Here is the money that I owe you
So you can pay the bills
I will give you more
When I get paid again
I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare christmas
~Everclear

Nervous Nellie's New Plan

My roommate dropped the news on me yesterday that she had found greener pastures, in terms of a living situation. This is so not cool. I was counting on the money that I would be saving by having her live with me to put away toward my trip. This is especially annoying because I signed an additional year's lease on the contingency that she would stay with me. Otherwise, I would have found a cheaper place to live.

I feel like I have taken one step forward, and two steps back.

On the other hand... this may be an opportunity to leave six months earlier than I had originally planned. However, by not being able to save money, this will be difficult. My original plan was to save between $1,000 and $1,500, just to have on-hand to leave the country with. As my living expenses will come from donations given in my name to OasisUK, I would have this money to buy my plane tickets with, and hopefully do some traveling using the CouchSurfing website.

So... do I set a new goal of leaving in April? Or, do I suck it up and try to make it through the summer and leave in September as originally planned? Money is an issue. I am completely freaking out over the money thing. If I decide that I want to leave for the April session in London, I have to have my application and money to Oasis by December of this year. Luckily, I found out that the money that it costs me to join the program pays for flights, visas, work travel, accommodations, food, insurance, work resources, retreat/holiday, and administration costs. However, this will cost approximately $11,570.00 (American). This is enough to make me vomit.
I was worried about raising $1,500... so, now I have to worry about raising $11,000.
No pressure.

Sun-Scorched Land

I have been kind of lost in myself lately. Saying the wrong things. Acting kind of ridiculous. Thinking that perhaps I should not be around people. Having some bouts of anxiety. Feeling a little sad. I need to keep focus.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

Like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings

~Isaiah 58:11-12

I am trying to remember that I am on a mission. I am following my destiny for the first time on my entire life. I am doing what I think that God wants me to do. This is really hard.

The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.

~Luke 4:18

I am making progress on my research. I have been offered several programs to be involved with. One of these offers two five month stints, each in two countries. My other option is to do a year stint in one country. I think that I am going to do a year in India... then, if the opportunity is still available, do five months in Bangladesh, and another five months in a third country. I know that I want to do at least one year in India. I really think that God wants me there. All of the arrows point in that direction. This is exciting.

I finally received my book/CD program for learning Hindi. So, I am working on that too.

Side note: The annual Ukraine trip is coming up. I received an email from Kristi, asking for support. I will be offering prayer and mental support. I am also making an effort to send over some gifts for the folks of MTU. I wish that I was making the trip with her.

I'm A Big Jerk

Have you ever said something that you meant in the best way, but then about 8 seconds after you say it you realize that the filter that connects your brain to your mouth has malfunctioned? Yeah. This is my life.

A friend, who underestimates how much she is adored, has made mention of some concerns recently. Of course, her concerns are my concerns. This is the bain of my existence... nobody suffers alone. Basically, I have made a little file in my head with this friend's name on it (as I find that I do with a lot of people) and tucked away all of the things said that there would be little to no concern about. Hence, a large concern came to surface. I brought something up that was absolutely none of my business. To make it worse, I brought it up in the lovely, abrupt way that I do things. After what I said came out of my mouth, I was so appalled by my words that I think that my brain actually shut down. I can't remember what the response was to what I had said. So, the next day... I am beating myself up over something that may or may not have been misconstrewed and made worse than it was originally intended to be.

I feel like a crappy friend. All I can do now is ask for this person's forgiveness, and hope that she realizes what a jackass her friend is... and that no harm was intended.

I tried to find some kind of bible verse about being a crappy friend... but I couldn't find one in the method that I use to search the Bible. All of the verses that I found on 'forgiveness' have to do with blood. So, I decided to pick a completely random verse that has absolutely nothing to do with this situation at all... just for effect.

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.~Leviticus 19:18

Okay, so it has a little to do with the situation.

Can you forgive me again?

I don't know what I said

But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out

I felt that I would die

It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me

You're not shouting anymore

You're silently broken

I'd give anything now

to kill those words for you

~Evanescence

Please forgive me friend... I meant no harm. I love you.

It's Raining Squirrels

I always joke about there being suicidal squirrels at my apartment community. Since it doesn't matter how fast you are driving, they have a tendency to just sit in the road and wait for you to get really close with your car... like a game of "chicken"... but with squirrels.

I just want to start by saying that I am not making this up... this actually happened. I woke up and took Chloe for an early walk. While we were walking through our parking lot, I heard a thump. When I turned around to see what it was, I saw a squirrel running up a tree (not a huge tree, it was one of the ones in front of the apartment buildings where I live). Now, I was tired, so I wasn't sure of what I was seeing the FIRST time. I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree and thump right onto the ground. He then got up and ran back up the tree. (I swear to God that I am not making this up!!) There was some squirrel commotion in the tree and then two squirrels fell out of the tree, and it looked like they were holding hands. They ran back up and both of them fell out again. More squirrel commotion, and then one squirrel thumped back onto the ground. Then the show was over. This happened in what I believe was about a 30 second period of time. You haven't laughed your ass off until you see squirrels throwing themselves out of trees and thumping their bodies onto the ground and then running back up the tree to do it again. Was this an attempt at a squirrel suicide pact?? I am not sure and I don't know if anyone has ever seen a squirrel do this before, but it was a first for me.

It was by-far one of the strangest things that I have ever seen.

Summer of Kerry

I am supposed to have "The Summer of Kerry". I was told this today because I am single, and evidently have become sassy looking by putting small pieces of plastic on my eyeballs and wearing makeup. So, now I have to try to figure out what the "Summer of Kerry" will entail. I will happily accept any suggestions, since I have none of my own.

I love this idea.
So far, I do have some traveling planned for shows that Erin is playing in Tennessee and Virginia. We are also going to see Missy Higgins in Alexandria in early August. That is a bunch of road trips. Leaving town makes me happy. Road trips with fun people make me very happy.

Ideas... I need ideas for the summer.

Yes... You Are A Racist

"I'm not a racist, but..."

This sentence annoys and infuriates me more than any other on the planet. If you are not a racist, then you shouldn't have to preempt any thought with this statement.

I was telling a friend of mine tonight that I went to see REM last week. At the concert, there were a couple of drunken gentlemen sitting in front of us on the lawn at Walnut Creek. They were hilarious. At times they would get up and dance, others they were just laying on the lawn listening to the band. The funniest part of the evening was when one of these guys would take his shirt and twirl it over his head. Eventually, he did the butt-shine dance with his shirt. Then the crotch-floss dance with this shirt (where he was riding his own shirt like a horse). It was the best part of the show. As it turns out, these guys were Hispanic.

I had left the fact that these guys were Hispanic. My friend asked me if they were. She then asked me if they spoke English. I have no idea. I am guessing that they did, or didn't. I don't really care to be honest with you.

And then the tangent started...

"They should speak English." (her)

"Why??" (me)

"Because they are in America." (her)

"So." (me)

"If you are in America, then you should speak English." (her)

"Why do you care about what someone speaks who isn't speaking to you?" (me)

"It's rude. We were at dinner one night, and some guy was talking on his cell phone in the restaurant in a foreign language. And not only was he loud, but we couldn't understand him." (her)

"Why do you care about what someone else is talking about on their cell phone? And why are you worried about what language they are speaking in if they are having a private moment? If they are at home they probably speak whatever language they are most fluent in." (me)

"They should speak English at home, they live in America." (her)

"Why do you care about what someone speaks in their own home? Get over it. " (me)

It goes on and on from there. Needless to say, I was extremely annoyed.

I wasn't aware that God had a contingency that you have to speak the language of whatever country you are in, at all times.

Ignorance annoys me. Dude... you are a racist. Get over yourself.

Six Months Later...

I'm angry. I mean, I am still angry. I didn't think that I was. Maybe I wasn't, or not... or I'm just situationally angry. Either way, I think that I'm angry. I hate this.

I was able to avoid him for over four months. In those four months, I have found peace. Or what I thought was peace. I was able to move on... or I thought that I had moved on. I made a plan for my life. I found purpose. I found 'my way'. This is a good thing.

Approximately, forty-five seconds. That is how long the conversation was. Forty-five seconds, that I wanted to avoid, and it ruined last week for me. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend that he wasn't there. I wanted to be the bigger person, and put it all behind me. The fact is that he broke my heart. I have spent the past six months coming to terms with this. I don't want him back in my life. Given the opportunity (or whatever you want to call it), if he came to me tomorrow and told me that he wanted to try again... the answer would be a hardcore, adamant 'NO'!!

So, why am I still angry? Shouldn't I be past this by now?? Why is the fact that he is in my world (or the world in general) bothering me? Why can't I find peace in the fact that I am moving on? Am I moving on??

Things have been going well... like really, really well. I have a plan, for the first time in my life I am not just flying by the seat of my pants, jumping the gun and being impulsive. For the first time in my life, I feel good. I feel like I look good. I am getting compliments everyday on something. It's strange, but good. I have great friends. I have always had good friends, but now I have great friends. I love my church... everything about it. I know that I am loved. I know that I am appreciated. I have a good life.

So, why am I letting this one thing bring me down? Does this mean that I have not let him go? This is my wall.

My Big Question(s)

During last night's Journey Group, one of the new folks brought up a great question... one that has bothered me for a really long time, and has added to my avoidance of baptism. As this person is from a country where Christianity is practically non-existent, and Buddhism is prevalent, she asked what happens to the people who are "innocent" and never know about Christ. Folks who have never heard the name "Christ". Are they doomed? Are they predestined to sink to "hell"? What if these people are never "saved" or "repent"? Is it our job to try to recruit them into Christianity??

I admitted (vocally) that this was the reason that I don't believe in long-term mission trips for the religious purposes. I don't think that God wants me traipsing across the world trying to "force" or "influence" His word. I think that God wants me to travel the world and absorb culture, make use of my talents, and share what I have learned in my spiritual journey. Ninety percent of the world is not of Christian belief. Ninety percent. Is ninety percent of the world wrong? Can it be that ninety percent of the world is blind? Is ninety percent of the world's population damned?

In response to my annoyance with religious mission trips, I was "thumped". Bible thumped. I don't think that it was intentional, but it irritated me all the same. I found this intimidating. I became enraged, but was able to maintain my dignity (with Alicia's help).

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. ~Proverbs 31:25 (This is one of my favorite verses)

I am having problems with what God wants from our world. Does He want us to scare people into hearing His word? Or does he want us to live and work for Him?



In 'Good News About Injustice', Gary Hugen tells us that God hates injustice. God wants His children to act to fight injustice on His behalf. Our world is selfish. We want what we want. We act for our own needs and wants. We do for ourselves and see nothing wrong with this. What are we doing for the rest of the world? What are we doing for the other ninety percent, some of which are living in poverty, slavery, abusive relationships, hunger, despair?

We should not, of course, imagine God being angry like we are-- irrational, disproportionate and rooted in fear. For unlike us he does not sin in his anger. But neither should we imagine that God shares our emotional casualness about the suffering of those who are brutalized by the abuse of power in our world. As we might feel about anyone who terrorized our child before our eyes, so we might imagine God's passionate response to those who abuse the people made in His image.

And the Lord looked and was displeased that there was no justice. He saw that there was no one, he was appalled that there was no one to intervene. ~Isaiah 59:15-16

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" ~Isaiah 6:8

I find myself laying in bed each night praying to God for guidance with the problems of the world. When negativity is all around me, I have to remember that it's worse in the brothels of India. Suffering is horrible in the cocoa fields in Asia. Human slavery exists in our world, and God wants us to bring it to an end. He wants us to act, breath, bleed, and speak on His behalf.

Free Hugs

A Time For Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3

I have had a lot going on in the past few weeks. In this, I have had to rely on support from family and friends to keep my mind off of certain things. For those of you who don't know that you are helping me... thanks.

One of my favorite things lately, is the random video clips that people send me (thanks Craig-- by the way, you have beautiful eyes!!). I find a plethora of ways to waste time at work, these days. One of my new favorite ways is by watching YouTube videos.

I'm a hugger. I know, thanks for pointing out the obvious, Kerry. I came across the Free Hug Campaign videos on YouTube. There are dozens of them... I challenge anyone to watch one of these and not smile. I literally get goosebumps whenever I watch them. They are so great. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD6o49Uqv10&feature=related This is just one of many of the campaigns (this one takes place in NYC). As a self-confessed hugger, I have joined the Free Hug Campaign (check out their website) http://www.freehugscampaign.org/.

So, now I have to confess. I name different kinds of hugs after different people. Yeah, you probably have a hug named after you. Here they are:

"The Susan"-- starts and ends with humming. One of the more lovely and endearing hugs.

"The Alicia"-- full body contact, hands don't actually wrap around your body, just land on your shoulders.

"The Sara" aka "I don't want my boobs to touch your boobs"-- involves just shoulders and arms that barely touch you, with a random back pat from just one hand.

"The Matty Brown" --approaches the hug with a big smile and gives full body contact-- one of my favorite hugs.

"The Erin Brown" --approaches the hug with arms open and ready for embrace, usually is a prolonged hug, which shows you really mean it.

"The Craig" aka "the tall guy hug"-- your hugging victim is much taller than you are and you end up in a lop-sided hugging concoction.

"The Todd" aka "the side hug"-- said person comes close to your side and hugs you with a firm grip, but only making contact with your hip and side of your body.

"The Mom" -- a unusually long hug that generally ends up in tears. This is worse after long periods of time of not visiting.

"The Super-Skinny Girl Hug"-- where you love the person but you are afraid that your hug may actually crush their bones, leaving them in a much loved heap on the floor.

"The Little Kid" -- involves full body contact on the part of the kid, and only your legs.

"The Elaine" (can only be given by Elaine Bayless, or others with long appendages)-- arms are actually wrapped around you twice. You think that this is cool and freaky at the same time. (Love you.)

"The Weird Girl Hug"-- (not the girl, the hug) said girl attempts "The Todd" but fails.

"The Guy Hug" (a classic in the world of hugs)-- starts as a handshake, but turns into a half hug/half handshake with a back pat.

"The Couple Hug"-- ends in a pat on the butt and is somewhat nauseating to watch.

"The New Friend Hug"-- you are not sure if there should be a hug, but then again... why not??

I believe that as a general rule, not all hugs are fitted for all people. But, as a hugging-junkie, I will manage to make most/if not all of these hugs suit me.

Thanks for the hugs.

YES... We Have No Bananas

In lieu of my food allergy realization yesterday (or lack thereof), I decided that I needed to try a banana last night. I didn't die. I didn't end up having to go to the hospital for anaphylaxis. It was yellow. I peeled it, and cut off a small piece from the middle (since I don't know how to pick out a ripe banana, I figured the the middle would be the safest place to eat). It smelled like a banana, not one of my favorite smells. It wasn't gross, but it wasn't good either. I can see why people add it to cookies and breads and stuff like that. But I won't be eating a plain banana right from the peel. It must be a texture thing.

I called my mom yesterday after I left the allergist's office and told her that I wasn't allergic to bananas. Her response, "Oh, yeah, I know." Well, mom... why have I thought that I was allergic to bananas all this time?? "You didn't like them as a baby, so it was just easier to treat you like you were allergic to them." Great. Thanks, mom. Thirty years of avoiding banana has come to an end.

And I still don't care for them.

Day-o, day-o

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day, me say day, me say day

Me say day, me say day-o

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Work all night on a drink of rum

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Stack banana till de mornin' come

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day-o

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...

Daylight come and me wan' go home

A beautiful bunch o' ripe banana

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Hide the deadly black tarantula

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day-o

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day-o, day-o

Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day, me say day, me say day

Me say day, me say day-o

Daylight come and me wan' go home

~Harry Belafonte

Food... Glorious Food Allergies

Two weeks ago, I took a food allergy test at my doctor's office. The technician drew a bunch of blood. Last week, the diagnosis was that I was allergic to soy, wheat, eggs, peanuts, and corn. This was disturbing to me, as these supposed allergens (with the exception of eggs) are a huge part of my vegan diet. I had questions... lots and lots and lots of questions. How extreme are the allergies? How come I am only reacting to one of these things? Can I have any wheat or corn, or do I need to cut them out of my diet all together?

The nurse that was being the "middle man" during phone conversations with my doctor was fairly useless. Nice. Sweet. Trying really hard to be helpful. But pretty useless. In the long run, my doctor suggested that I see an allergist. So, today I did.

I spent three hours breathing into tubes to check for asthma. I was basically stabbed about 42 times, literally, to test for different allergies. After the welts formed, and they wouldn't let me scratch them for 15 minutes, the decided to test for additional allergies. Instead of skin scratch tests, I was injected under the skin with needles... 9 times. Again, I had to not scratch as welts formed, for 15 minutes. This really sucked.

Three hours later, we discovered that I am allergic to most grasses, molds, tree pollen, and some kind of tree that I have never heard of. I, however, have NO FOOD ALLERGIES!!! This includes the bananas that I have been lead to believe that I was allergic to my entire life. So, now I have to try a banana. I think that I won't like it, since I hate the smell of them. My allergist did say that there is a chance for a cross-reaction with bananas because I am allergic to latex.

You have to love the medical community. One doctor tells you one thing, with a blood test. The other tells you something completely different after stabbing you with tiny needles for 3 hours.

What does this mean?? Well, I am making cookies with wheat flour in them!!! And, I might try my soy milk again, although she told me that it may be an intolerance of some kind. As long as it doesn't kill me, I am okay with that.

Loss and Mourning

On March 15, 1996, one of my best friends, Erika, committed suicide. She was schizophrenic, being treated for manic-depression. If you are not aware, schizophrenia is fairly uncommon in women, hence the misdiagnosis. She was 22. She was beautiful. She was so smart. She had a promising life ahead of her, if she would take her medication. When we were in high school, she decided that she wanted to skip class and walk to the lake that was about 3 miles away. This was something that had done before. However, she was wearing her gym shorts and T-shirt, she was barefoot, and it was February in Connecticut. She was admitted to the local hospital's psych ward later that day. For the first week she was there, she didn't know who any of us were. She associated each of us with a card, from a deck of cards. I was the three of hearts. When we entered her room, we had to take our designated card and hold it until we left.

Once Erika was all situated on her meds, and was able to go home her family decided (a few months later, after we had graduated) that they would take a trip to Mexico. Erika went off of her meds again and her family spent a week trying to find her. She was spending her days walking around whatever Mexican tourist city they were in, doing the tourist thing alone. She was spending her nights in doorways, doing what she could to survive. Needless to say, this lead to her second stint in the psych ward. Erika went off to college at Rutgers in Newark, New Jersey. She made it through her first year and then the pressure was too much for her and she returned to Middletown, Connecticut. She was home with family and whatever residual friends who didn't go away to college. She reverted into herself. She spent a lot of time at home, and wouldn't see anyone outside of her immediate family.

In a final attempt to get Erika out of the funk that she had put herself into, her mom planned a trip to Disney world. Since Erica's brother, Mike, was still in high school, it would just be Erika and her parents and some family friends. At the last minute, Erika bailed out of the trip. The day her parents were going to come home from Florida, Mike found her hanging from a cord she had rigged in her bedroom closet. All of her friends refused to wear black to her funeral. We wore bright colors. We wanted to celebrate the life that she had maintained for so long. The night before her funeral, Erika came to me in a dream. She hugged me, told me that she loved me, and said "I'm okay. I feel better now. Tell Mom I love her."

On May 6, 1996 my friend Derek (who I dated for a short period of time) was on his way to a night class. He was taking back roads, went around a corner and all of the stuff slid off of the front seat of his car. He leaned over to reach for it and ran head-on into a tree that was on an upcoming turn. Derek was loaded onto the helicopter to be flown to the closest trauma center in Hartford. He lived long enough to tell the flight crew what happened so that his mother would know. Derek died mid-flight. He was 21.

Last night, a 9 year old girl died of cancer. I never met this kid. I know her mom, but not well. This family is living my nightmare... yes, an actual nightmare that I have had numerous times. I have no children, but have always wondered if I could survive the loss of a child. I cried myself to sleep last night while praying for this family. I was sad and angry for this family. I wondered what I could do for them. I wondered if I could do anything, say anything to ease their pain. I realize that this family has been preparing for the passing of their child for a long time. But, this does not make it any easier. I pray for this family. I hold them in my heart and thoughts.

Today we mourn.

We don't mourn for

personal loss,

but for a loss of innocence.

We mourn for a child

who shows strength that

would put a grown man

to shame.

This strength is a gift to

all who know her.

Today we mourn.

We mourn for a parent who

has had to watch her

child's spirit fly away.

A child who has gone to

God, who is now in His grasp.

Today we mourn.

Walking Into Walls and Waiting For Change

I'm sorry that I keep changing the layout of my blog... I feel like I am having an identity crisis or something. This will most likely be the last time. Unless I get bored or something. Which is quite possible.

I found it really interesting that the new topic of discussion for the next few weeks, at church, is "When Life Hits A Wall". There are so many people in my life right now who are attempting to make huge changes, whether it's financial, educational, professional, or just plain leaving the country. I think that we feel stuck where we are. I know that I have talked about this before, but I think that it needs revisiting at times.

Yesterday, Ed quoted Acts... "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,"~Acts 14:22

I am not going to give my opinion on the "kingdom of God", as this is one of the things that I question. However, I know that others around the world whole-heartedly believe in Heaven, and I find myself in awe of their ability to suffer as they do and still KNOW that they will be in Heaven, or by God's side... or whatever people believe about the afterlife. In my mind, I have wondered why suffering has to happen now? Why do we have to wait to find peace? Our time on Earth is so short, in the realm of the universe as a time piece. Why should suffering be so substantial now? I hate that these questions are in my head every single day.

As I am delving further and further into my research, I am questioning God's intervention on the trials and tribulations of the world, at large. I have been reading several books on this topic, and they all say the same thing. God wants us to interact on His behalf. I am trying to do my part in all of this... but I watch those around me sit and wonder what is wrong with the world and do nothing. How can these people complain if they don't offer to solve the problem?? It's like complaining about who is in office, but never bothering to vote.

He saw that there was no one, he was appalled that there was no one to intervene; so his own arm worked salvation for him, and his own righteousness sustained him.~Isaiah 59:16

I find that lately I'm wondering more and more about our purposes in this world. What have I been doing with my thirty-four years and why haven't they been more productive? Have I been so self-centered that I put the world's problems on the back burner?? I feel like I'm on this mission to change the minds of those around me. I take it personally that people are not educated in the problems of the world. I know that this is not my problem. I guess that somehow I feel that if I can get folks to become more aware, that maybe the problem will feel smaller. Somehow, somewhere, at sometime in the near future, trafficing of human beings will be a thing of the past. The truth is that there will always be someone trying to hold someone else down. That evil is always going to be there.

How bad, how good does it need to get?

How many losses?

How much regret?

What chain reaction would cause an effect?

Makes you turn around,

Makes you try to explain,

Makes you forgive and forget,

Makes you change?

Makes you change?

~Tracy Chapman

Thanks Mom... A Little Late

Today we had Elaine's (McVey) baby shower. Terri came up with a little project where you give advice to the mom-to-be. Some of this advice was really interesting. We have this first-time mom, and a room full of women, all telling her what to do, when, and how to do it. Then you have the handful of women with no kids. All telling her what to do, when, and how to do it. There was a very strange dynamic going on there, but the whole exercise was interesting. This made me think of my mom. Although, Mother's Day has come and gone (no, I didn't send flowers this year), I realized that I don't thank my mom for enough of what she does and has done for me.

My mom does this thing every Sunday. She takes a 30 minute drive to buy a newspaper two towns over from where she lives. Mom lives in North Port, Florida. If you don't know where this is, it's about mid-way between Sarasota and Fort Myers, on the Gulf Coast. Mom says that in North Port, she can't get the paper that tells her what is going on in Sarasota. Therefore, she has to do this drive every week to get her newspaper. I think that she gets a lot of joy out of this routine. Even with gas prices as high as they are, she still does this every week. During her drive, she makes phone calls. I hate that she drives and talks on the phone at the same time. (Honestly, mom doesn't have the best eyesight and the thought of her diverting her attention from driving by talking on the phone makes me kind of nervous.) So, this morning I got the infamous 'Sunday morning paper run' phone call.

Mom made me smile this morning. I wasn't entirely sure of how she felt about me leaving the country next year. She asked me how my research was going. I told her about the different organizations that I have been looking into. Mom told me that she was really excited about my project. She is really proud of me. She has said this to me before, but I was never really sure of how much she meant it until today. She said that she admires the fact that I am going after something that I really believe in. She asked me what I was going to do after two years. Would I come home again?

Mom... I can't knowingly sit behind a computer for 9 hours a day and do nothing about the problems in the world, when there is absolutely nothing keeping me in Raleigh, North Carolina. My friends and church will be here when I get back. I can always find a job, somewhere, doing something. I have to let God guide me on this. I have to know that I have done everything that I can do to be productive in this world. Sitting behind a computer, crunching numbers, writing letters and e-mails, answering to "the man" is getting me nowhere. THIS is not the life that I want to live. I can do more. I want to do more. I need to do more.

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
~Everclear

Mom always said that there was money for each of us to use when we got married toward a wedding. We talked for a few minutes about me using this money to support myself when I move overseas. Of course, there will be further discussion on this subject. I am happy that I finally brought it up, because the whole subject of money makes me nervous in general. Mom said that they would definitely be supporting me in some way, but she wants to make sure that I am really not getting married. It's not that I don't want to get married, but right now men, dating, relationships are all a distraction from what is really important to me. This is not to say that I don't want to date. I would love to date. I just need to keep my priorities straight.

Side note: I have been going to the gym and started running. I am hoping to be able to run a mile within 2 months. I know that this doesn't seem like a lot, but it is to me.

God Is My Imaginary Friend

Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things.~Proverbs 23:33

I was walking through Target the other night and I heard a woman talking to her son, who looked to be about 5 or 6 years old. He was asking her about God. He asked why he couldn't see God. The mom answered that the boy couldn't see Santa Claus either, but we know that he exists. The boy said, "yeah, but Santa leaves presents." The mom was getting frustrated, I am guessing that this conversation was longer than my stint in the shoe department. She finally said to the boy, "Just think of God as your imaginary friend."

WHAT??

Way to go mom... let's let the boy think that God is going to play with him and then suddenly disappear when he "outgrows" Him.

Let's list the things that would have been better to say, shall we:

1) "God leaves you presents too, little Johnny. Look at trees, and the ocean, and the guy who invented Twizzlers."

2) "God made Santa."

3) "Without God we would be specks in the universe, never knowing what a beautiful life truly is. That is, if God was in the mood to create a universe."

4) "Well, little Johnny, it looks like your summer will be spent at vacation bible school." (I would never say this to my kid, but some people do this.)

5) "God also made the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, so there!!"

With more time and energy, I am sure that I could come up with more of these. This has taken me several days to process, and I am still not sure of what to do with it.

I will be the first one to admit that there was a time when I pictured having kids and wondering what I would say to them when they asked me about God. Keep in mind, I was an atheist when I wondered these things.

Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

~John Lennon

OasisUK... I'm On My Way

I heard back from the folks at OasisUK this morning. They were great enough to answer the 8 or 10 questions that I sent to them. I have good news and bad news. Actually, it's all good news, but some of it is going to stress me out... which is bad.

Oasis offers two training sessions per year in London. One in March and one in September. So, I am aiming for September 2009. This is super exciting. NOW I have a time period to aim for. YAY!!! Also, I am going to definitely aim for India. I am hoping that after a year in India, I can get some direction for Cambodia. But, that is a while down the road and I am not going to stress myself out over this.

Bad news... The placement is totally self-funded and we look to approximating costs of anywhere between £4000.00-£6000.00 (roughly $7,000-$11,000 U.S. Dollars) for 6 month placement, but of course that is dependent on the country you go to and the project in which you would work as well as the length of time you would be out there. (from the OasisUK chick)

It looks like living cheap(er) and fund raising is in my future. I have a year. No pressure (she says as she pulls out clumps of hair in frustration and fear). Who wants to go for a beer?? Who wants to buy me a beer??

If you happen to be praying, please put in a plug for me. This means that I have to actually get some work done toward my goal of leaving next year. So, this year I want to do some traveling... which I already have a small amount of planned with Erin. I want to visit family and friends. I would like to go camping. I want to do something really really fun and spend as much time as possible with friends, family, and people that I adore. Any ideas??

Side note: I need to actually go to the gym that I signed up to go to. Someone be sure to ask me if I actually went this week. Thanks.

Craig's List and Compliments

I get to work really early, usually by 7:30ish. This is my work morning ritual: I come in and start up my computer, go over and say hello to my friends Kari and Anna in another department. Usually by the time I get back to my desk, my computer has decided whether or not I get to work today, or if I have to spend a half-hour on the phone with the Help Desk trying to figure out what is wrong. I open up the 8 to 10 screens that I am going to need that day, check my work emails, check my yahoo email, follow up on the multiple blogs that I read everyday (Stuff Christians Like is my new favorite--I kill a lot of time in the mornings). Then I look at Craig's List to see the free stuff, any new job offers anywhere in Raleigh and of course, the missed connections. This is better than a cup of coffee and 100 times more entertaining than a monkey riding a unicycle (yes, I have seen a monkey ride a unicycle). I usually just read them and move on with my day, but this one cracked me up so bad that I had to copy it onto my blog today.

Burrito Guy - w4m - 20 (in ur komputerzzzz causing a ruckussss)
I hoped you would show up to the post-punk noise explosion last Saturday, but you didn't. I was admittedly slightly disappointed. Now I'm on to shrieky deeky noise manipulations elsewhere. I just want you to know: Your burritos are of Carrboro legend. The man behind the burrito- a true indie rock hero. Crushes are lame.

Yes, my friend. Crushes are lame. With that being said, let's all move on with our day.

I am not so great with compliments. Have you ever gotten a compliment and said "thanks" but then the person keeps going on and on and on about how great the initial complimentary subject is?? Yes, this is my life right now. I got contacts, and it's like I had complete reconstructive surgery on my face or something. I am very self-conscious about the dark circles under my eyes, therefore I had to buy makeup. I hate wearing makeup. To me, makeup has always been one of those things that you did if you were going somewhere special, or if I was wearing a dress or something. Yeah, you have to love that jeans and T-shirt stylistic mentality of a woman. Yesterday, someone at church asked me if I was going to have a Glamour Shot done. C'mon. Seriously. It's just makeup and contacts. Then she went on and on about how pretty I looked and that I had pretty eyes. Then another person did this, and another. Thanks guys. Again... not so great with the compliments. Again... tried to get away with "Oh, thanks." This did not work and by the end of church I was ready to pull them out of my face and go back to glasses. I know that this is ridiculous, but I just don't like to draw a lot of attention to any physical changes that I make.

So, thanks for the compliments. You guys rock.

Expectation vs. Anticipation

expectation (noun)
1. belief about (or mental picture of) the future
2. anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
3. the feeling that something is about to happen

anticipation (noun)
1. an expectation
2. something expected (as on the basis of a norm)
3. the act of predicting (as by reasoning about the future)
4. anticipating with confidence of fulfillment

This week at church, we talked about the intervention of God. I have thought of God's intervention a lot, in different areas of my life, and at different stages of my life. I first thought of God intervening as a child who grew up in an abusive home. I wondered why He let us live in such conditions. I wondered why the prayers of children were going unanswered. As I got older, and started to question God's presence I began to look for intervention everywhere. I was constantly questioning how people were able to see God in everything, see Him wherever they were. I was perplexed by this, but also admired those who were able to have this kind of relationship with God.

During the message, Ed spoke about the stereotypical view that "If God is all loving, He will intervene." This brought around the expectation that people have of God. Something that I had never thought of before. Expectation vs. Anticipation.

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.~Psalm 5:3

As an emerging follower of Christ (thanks LankEB), and as a person who has done some growing up in general, I have begun to feel/know that expectation are unrealistic in any situation. I have learned that when expectations are amidst, disappointment is sure to follow.

I think that we, as a society of people who are used to getting whatever we want, expect things not only from the world at large, but from God. This is pretty pompous of us, don't you think?? I recently read that God wants his followers to intervene on His behalf. When intervention is not achieved, the Enemy is digging in it's heals. The problem with our world at large, is that we are always waiting for someone else to take action, rather than being the first to jump up and say, "hey, that's not right!!" or "what can I do to stop this?"

I am learning to live in anticipation of others, rather than having expectations of them. I am learning to anticipate what God wants from me.

Side note: I completed a goal last night by joining the gym. So, hopefully after I go to workout tonight I won't completely collapse. OY!!