One Life... And Other Stuff

SUCCESS!!! I have managed to quit one of my jobs. This is a wonderful day. Not only have I quit, but I can afford to quit. I received my yearly raise letter. It was a great letter. I am receiving al most double what I was expecting. YAY!!! (Lilo and Zrbrt... I will make a special trip just to bring you treats.)

It's been a crazy couple of days. I got a vacation, which is always a good thing. I got a lot of sun. A LOT OF SUN. I am reliving the sunburn of the beach trip with LankEB two weeks ago. But, I am relaxed and I got to see one of my favorite people. (Not you, Bon).

Sophie has gotten so big and she walks everywhere, and she giggles and has teeth and talks in this crazy baby language that nobody understands... maybe it's Czeck. She is like this tiny lady. It's insane. The coolest thing about Sophie is that she gives great hugs. If she lets you pick her up, (which she did) she looks at you for a second and then just lays her head on your shoulder and wraps her arms around your neck. It's the greatest feeling in the world. I'm glad she gives hugs. I look at Sophie, looking at Bonnie and my heart melts. I just want to eat them both up. (sorry I bit you, Bon.) Once I learn to use my camera, I will post a pic of Sophie (0r Topher, as I like to call her).

Erin and I had quite the experience in Tennessee at her shows. Let's just say that we won't be going back to Tennessee anytime soon. It was a weekend of music and fish frys... Oh the memories will haunt us for the rest of our lives. But good times were had by all. Being in Asheville always wakes up this part of me that dies when I come back to Raleigh. I know that it sounds sad, but I think that if I lived there that I would take this feeling for granted. I think that we must have walked about 20 miles in 3 days, give or take a few miles. Asheville was closed for this year's Belle Cherre (I don't think I spelled this right). All of downtown Asheville closes down to traffic so that vendors and musicians can gather. Apparently, it's the biggest street fair in the south.

We did have a chance to visit Jubilee Church on Sunday, but were disappointed by the lack of vegan blueberry waffles from the restaurant next door. I love Jubilee. I love to read their bulletin. The service was about 'love', always a good subject.

We divide our days by minutes and hours, calendars and clocks. We divide our lives by birthdays and anniversaries, victories and failures, milestones and memories, births and deaths. And we divide each day of our lives into job and recreation, eating and love-making, shopping and sleeping, cooking and driving, planning, partying, parenting, praying, and pooping.

But no matter how much we separate the various parts of our lives... no matter how much we pigeonhole our activities, thoughts, worries, joys and passions... what it finally comes down to is this: We each and all have but one life. No more, no less. One life. Chop it up, split it up, segment it any way you choose, it's all one. Every goof and glory, every crushing defeat and smashing success. It's all one. you and I and every bozo bouncing around on this Milky Way Marble have one life apiece. Only one. That's all you get, at least until you bow out. After that, God only knows.

Which means that whatever you do-- even the smallest thought, the most insignificant activity in the tiniest moment-- affects everything else. every time you lay your money down for whatever doodah you think you just gotta have, you are shifting and shaping every element of your one life. Your one precious life.
Every chat you have, every movie you watch, every lip you kiss, every bath you take; not to mention every grudge you hold, every kindness you share, every worry you clutch, every delight you enjoy... not one of these bits of you can be isolated. Every bit of it is part of you. It's not that every little bit touches every other little bit; cause we're not little bits. We're one.
~Howard Hanger

I've got some craziness going on around these parts lately. More on that later.

The Evergreen Social Justice Film Series is next week, and I have lots of work to do. I am hoping that I don't fall on my ass, as public speaking is not my thing (yeah, I know LankEB, it's not exactly public speaking). I have to say that I am pretty excited about sharing the info that I have on Human Trafficing. I hope that folks show up.

A Light At The End of The Tunnel

In the new information that I have received from Oasis, apparently there is the opportunity for a two year placement on the Human Trafficing Project. The downside (although not really) is that I may have to be placed in Bangladesh instead of India. I am okay with this. I know that I am being lead to work on this project.

More updates later.

Setting the World on Fire

"Some men just want to watch the world burn."
~Alfred the Butler (The Dark Knight)

I saw The Dark Knight the other evening with some friends. Great movie. This line really made me think. Every time some random quote makes me think and I get stuck on it, I absolutely have to write it down. I have gotten so that I can relate almost anything to the suffering in the world. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

For example, I am quitting my part-time job because the people that I work with are completely negative all of the time. One of them hates that I am going to head over to India in hopes of working on the trafficing project, because 'we have problems in the U.S.' My question to her was, "well... what are you doing for the world?" I didn't get an answer.

The world is suffering. And while I don't expect every single person to be an advocate for change. I do expect respect and support from those who don't have the desire to make the changes themselves. I have family members who think this way also. It's very annoying and just plain ignorant.

Personally, I have watched the world burn long enough.

You will laugh at destruction and famine, and need not fear the beasts of the earth. ~Job 5:22

Trapped

Jesus came to free you. You need to let him do it. ~Matt Brown

I think that we forget that we were not put on this earth to just exist, but to live. I work all the time. At least I feel like I work all the time. I want to quit my jobs. Actually, only one of them. Ironically, it's the one that is supposed to be fun.

I need to keep my head on straight. I need to realize that I have goals ahead of me that are going to be lived out. I need to keep my priorities straight. I am covered and challenged with distractions these days. It's getting harder and harder to keep them at arm's length.

The truth is that I am completely terrified of failing at this project. The closer the time comes to turn in applications, defend my decisions, speak to folks at Oasis about placement... the more freaked out I get. I think that at this point, I just want to run away from home.

I am not feeling my freedom. I know that it's out there. I just don't know where to find it. It makes me sad and annoyed that I have to give up my life and create a new one to discover true freedom. We are held down by bills, obligations, debt, family, friends. Negativity is everywhere. Negativity is keeping me captive. I need to break the chains.

Big Excitement

When I started to plan my pilgrimage, a few months ago, I contacted as many people in the anti-trafficing movement that I could find. I couldn't even estimate as to how many emails I sent out. The other day, I was contacted by someone involved with the trafficing project. This is a huge deal, as it could lead to actual employment in the organization. Very exciting. I let this guy know of my intention to join Oasis India, and am hoping to hear back from him soon concerning other opportunities.

I hope
For love, joy and laughter
I hope
We'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope
We'll have more happy ever afters
I hope
We can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope
~Dixie Chicks

(I may have just lost a little respect for myself by quoting the Dixie Chicks.)

Old Dogs

This morning I came to the realization that by April of next year I have to find homes for my animals. I am saying April because this is when my lease is up on the apartment and I don't know where I will be living. This made me cry a little. I know that I can't take them with me. Well, technically I probably can take them with me, but I wouldn't know what to do with them in London during training. I love my animals. I am starting to freak out a little over what to do with them. This is hitting me this week, as I am deciding what to do with a lot of the unused stuff laying around my apartment.

I have started to rack my brain over what to do with them. I know that Hugo will most likely go live in Asheville with Bonnie. We have an unspoken agreement. Bonnie went on a cross-country trip that lasted about two years and left me her cats about 9 years ago. I am, however, worried about what is going to happen to Chloe. She is an old dog, she just turned 10. She is starting to show her age. Small dogs tend to live to be approximately 15 years old. This means that by the time I get back from India, she may be dead. Yeah, I know that this is a morbid thought, but it's reality.

I am really hoping that family will take Chloe into their homes, or that she can live with Bonnie. At least then she will be with Hugo. And Bonnie's husband is a stay-at-home dad, so she won't be alone for long periods of time.

A New Name & New Face

I figured that it was time to change the name and face of my blog, since I have found the purpose of my spiritual journey. My journey of spiritual clarification has been clarified. I have found my way... and here I am paving the path to where I am meant to go. It's an exciting time in my life.

"Whenever you're sad, things aren't working out for you, look around, see if there's someone else in trouble, go and help them. And I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, your problems will be solved." ~Guru Gil

This week I have officially let the cat out of the bag in regards to my intention to leave the country next year. With the exception of work (because of office politics BS), I am letting everyone know my intention. Yesterday alone, I received two negative responses. Neither of these responses was a surprise to me. Today, however, made up for this. I have emailed a bunch of people to ask for support. A good friend from high school emailed me her support and said that she has a passion for the human trafficing cause. This made me feel so much better. I am getting mixed reactions from people. From complete and utter amazement at my 'bravery', to absolute disgust that I would take on the problems of another country instead of staying in the U.S. to help our own problems.

I admit that I am not a patriotic person. I actually despise patriotism. I think that because of this, I look at the problems of other countries as the world's problems. Not America's problems... not India's problems... not Ukraine's problems. OUR PROBLEMS. The world's problems are humanity's problems. It's closed-minded judgement, like this, that causes racism. This leads me to another reaction that I received. "You are going to live with the terrorists." This made me want to vomit.

I am trying to get past the naivete of others. My attempts to let these terrible things roll off of my back, is basically failing. I get super defensive. I want to lash out and correct the stupidity that oozes out of their mouths. It's exhausting.

Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you my hear your servant cursing you--for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others. ~Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

Side note: I have opened a savings account and made a plea to friends and family to collect gold to sell for my trip. So far, I've got nothing. I am keeping my hopes up.

Compelling... Isn't It?

22 And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. 23 I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. 24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. ~Acts 20:22-24

com·pel-- to force or drive, esp. to a course of action

When the above verse from Acts was posted onto the screen this morning, I took a deep breath. Today I felt like the message was about my life. I made the decision to allow faith to drive me, and today I feel like God was speaking directly to me for the first time in my life.

Thanks God.

I'm having a hard time explaining to people outside of my immediate support system my purpose in going to India. I am disappointed in the reactions that I am getting outside of the Evergreen Community. Yes, I am compelled to go to India. But, I also believe that I am being called to serve in India. This is seriously exciting as I feel that for the first time in my life, I am living in a truly unselfish state, and letting God lead me in the direction that I am heading for.

My next project... trying to fund raise for my trip.

Journey's End?? NEVER!!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

My internal debate over whether or not I am a Christian has finally come to an end. I spoke to Ed today, we had a really great discussion about what "Christian" means. I admitted that I am completely hung up on the label. I stated that my biggest problem with Christianity is that people take it at face value (this isn't my issue with just Christianity, but with religion in

general). I have a really hard time believing that someone can take something so complex and make it into something simplistic. This would be the cynic in me. So, why haven't I been baptized? Simply, I was afraid of being a hypocrite. I was so afraid of not truly letting Christ into my life. Am I still having a hard time with this? Yes. I think that to some degree, I may always have this internal debate. But I think that it's more intellectual then emotional.

I asked Ed how I would know that it's time to be baptized. I guess that there is not a definitive answer to this question. Apparently, there is a point that people get to where being baptized is "acceptable" (I use this word for lack of a better one). I was told that I had crossed this point a long time ago.

So here I am. Accepting Christ. Calling myself a Christ-follower (as another friend likes

to call herself), rather than a Christian. I believe in the teachings of Christ. I embrace these teachings. I have a great relationship with God. I love this relationship, and I have worked really hard on this relationship. I am embracing my faith. I am embracing my growth and proud of the journey that I have been on for the past three years. Therefore, I will be baptized at Evergreen this fall.

If I could tell the world just one thing

It would be that we're all OK

And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful

And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless

I won't be idle with despair

I will gather myself around my faith

For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

~Jewel

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

I am giving up negativity for Lent. Yeah, I know that it's not Lent season. But why not??

The past few days have been really stressful. I have had a lot going on with various people in my life. My family is completely stressing me out. My roommate situation is stressing me out. I need to make it all go away, at least the negative parts of it.

So, I'm going to give a trial to "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." It's a very third-grade philosophy, but I think that as adults we forget that we epitomize negativity and turn it into this monster that takes on a life of it's own.

I am getting it from every direction. Right now, it's my mom trying to change my mind about going to India. She is worried about my safety, which is completely understandable. But now she is bargaining with me to try to convince me to stay in the country. It's just not going to work.

If I make it through the week without being negative, I will be very pleased with myself.

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple. ~Job 5:2