A New Name & New Face

I figured that it was time to change the name and face of my blog, since I have found the purpose of my spiritual journey. My journey of spiritual clarification has been clarified. I have found my way... and here I am paving the path to where I am meant to go. It's an exciting time in my life.

"Whenever you're sad, things aren't working out for you, look around, see if there's someone else in trouble, go and help them. And I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, your problems will be solved." ~Guru Gil

This week I have officially let the cat out of the bag in regards to my intention to leave the country next year. With the exception of work (because of office politics BS), I am letting everyone know my intention. Yesterday alone, I received two negative responses. Neither of these responses was a surprise to me. Today, however, made up for this. I have emailed a bunch of people to ask for support. A good friend from high school emailed me her support and said that she has a passion for the human trafficing cause. This made me feel so much better. I am getting mixed reactions from people. From complete and utter amazement at my 'bravery', to absolute disgust that I would take on the problems of another country instead of staying in the U.S. to help our own problems.

I admit that I am not a patriotic person. I actually despise patriotism. I think that because of this, I look at the problems of other countries as the world's problems. Not America's problems... not India's problems... not Ukraine's problems. OUR PROBLEMS. The world's problems are humanity's problems. It's closed-minded judgement, like this, that causes racism. This leads me to another reaction that I received. "You are going to live with the terrorists." This made me want to vomit.

I am trying to get past the naivete of others. My attempts to let these terrible things roll off of my back, is basically failing. I get super defensive. I want to lash out and correct the stupidity that oozes out of their mouths. It's exhausting.

Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you my hear your servant cursing you--for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others. ~Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

Side note: I have opened a savings account and made a plea to friends and family to collect gold to sell for my trip. So far, I've got nothing. I am keeping my hopes up.

A Bunch Of Random Stuff

The great people at Mission To Ukraine (MTU) asked me to help get donations to fill a trailer to send to Zhytomyr. They have given me until September of this year. After a second pilgrimage to MTU last July, I was honored to do whatever I could do to help support this amazing organization.

I had a year... a whole year. I badgered (lovingly) folks that I know to ask for donations after Christmas, when people are usually purging old stuff for new. I asked the folks who construct the "Journey" weekly email to put blurbs in occasionally regarding donations. I sent almost 30 letters to local churches, asking for donations... I feel that this last effort was a waste of time and money, as I sent these letters over 4 months ago and have yet to hear from one single church. (This is tremendously disappointing.) I feel kind of like a failure, in that I have only managed to acquire enough donations to fill almost 1/4 of my trailer.

I am being faced with several challenges lately. Donations for Ukraine is just one of these challenges. Above the normal financial and spiritual challenges, I am facing some challenges with folks that I know at work and church. I have been trying to put challenges with people on the back burner. Tonight I realized that I may not be able to put other peoples ignorances and comments aside any longer. I want to take the higher road... Act like the "grown-up" in these situations, but I am having a really hard time of this.

There was a time when I could lose my temper at the drop of a hat. I am happy to say that I have definitely done some growing in the past 5 or 6 years, and I have adopted the "I'm a lover, not a fighter" mentality.

Tonight someone challenged the morals of a friend of mine. Since she is a tough-ass, she held her own and made her point with grace. When I was challenged with a decision that I made for spiritual reasons, I was told that my reasoning was stupid. I further explained that my spiritual reason was also a personal mission of sacrifice... This was supposedly an okay excuse. This person is not someone that I consider a friend. Even further, this person challenges me on one thing or another as often as possible. I truly believe that this person gets some kind of twisted satisfaction out of upsetting me. This really hurts my feelings.

I realize that I can't be friends with everyone. I really don't find it necessary to be friends with everyone. I have come to discover that I can't possibly get along with everyone, and that's okay. I am totally okay with this fact. I just want to know that if we are not going to be friends, that we can be civil to each other and not treat each other like crap. Not challenge every single thing that comes out of the other's mouth. Treat each other with an iota of respect. I don't think that this is asking too much.

I hate my job. I mean, I really REALLY hate my job. I have been having dreams about quitting... the physical act of writing my resignation letter, handing it to my boss and watching him scurry over to my manger's office to complain about how he will have to train someone new to take my place. I have dreamt of packing my little copier paper box with the belongings that I have acquired over the past few years. I have thought of what to do with the giant plant that is on my desk, which was left for me when a prior co-worker left. I swore that I would take care of it, and I have kept my promise. I can actually picture my last day of work. I will either sleep in and not show up at all, or bring cupcakes. I haven't decided yet. I will probably bring cupcakes, because I don't want to disrespect my bosses by not showing up. It hasn't always been a bad place to work... it's actually not a bad place to work. I think that I am becoming more and more aware that my time at these jobs is coming to an end. This is great. I am developing a plan for the next few years of my life. Knowing what lies ahead for me, knowing that I get to "get out of Dodge", keeps me upbeat.

I have started to re-evaluate every single relationship that I have with every single person that I know. THIS is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have spent the past 3 years of my life cleaning out my friendship closet. The folks that have only negative things to say, or the people who consistently make me feel bad about myself. This was one of the smartest things that I have ever done. I have become a stronger person for this. At first, I felt really bad about doing this. It didn't happen overnight. Last week, one of these people made an attempt to get back in with me. I am not sure of how I feel about this yet. I don't really know what to do with her. She and I have made plans to meet for dinner, which I will follow through with. But at the same time, I almost wish that I didn't have to meet with her.

Today, I asked my boss at my part time job if we could stop using products made by Nestle. I want to do my part to end the slave labor that tends to go hand-in-hand with Nestle products, especially chocolate. At first, my co-workers made light of the subject. I was then told that they didn't care about slave labor in other countries. I tried to explain that children were being forced into labor assignments for little pay and food, are often malnourished, beaten, or killed due to the aggressions of those in charge. These situations were compared to having a kid do chores. This made me physically ill, and I was very close to walking out on my job and never going back. The ignorance of Americans is amazing. I like to call it the Ostrich Theory. "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist."

Tree Huggin' Hippie

Yesterday, I was called a "tree huggin' hippie" by a co-worker. I'm not sure if I should have been offended by this or not. I have been known to hug a tree or two in my time. I have also hugged dogs, cows, a pot-bellied pig, a homeless man, a goat, a telephone pole, boogery kids, my car, most of my ex-boyfriends, and people that I generally don't like (I figure that the last one is just good Karma). What can I say, I am a hugger!!!

I asked her what made me a "hippie", her answer was that I am a vegan. Since when does not eating meat make you a hippie?? Keep in mind, this is the same friend that yelled at me the other day for turning down chocolate. "But it's dark chocolate... it's vegan." No, its not. Read the ingredients... Ghiradelli dark chocolate has milkfat in it. Therefore, it's not vegan.

Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.~Genesis 1:29

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.~Genesis 3:6

Another friend, here at work, has decided to check out my new eating habits. I lent her a book that Lil' lent to me called "Skinny Bitch". I highly recommend that everyone reads this book. It tells you how your meat is processed, and how the animals that we consume, as Americans, are literally tortured before they are killed. Keep in mind, this is not why I adopted this lifestyle, but this is why I will keep this lifestyle.

I need to remind myself that I adopted a vegan lifestyle as an offer of sacrifice to God. I love to eat (have you seen my butt??). I enjoy cheese. Giving up certain foods was a big deal to me. But I love how I feel. I love how I am beginning to look. I can remove every pair of jeans that I own without unbuttoning them. Everything tastes better, since I have removed the film of flesh-coating that I had layered on my tongue.

When you sacrifice a thank offering to the LORD, sacrifice it in such a way that it will be accepted on your behalf.~Leviticus 22:29

When Michelle (missionary from India) was here, I noticed that she had a nose piercing, a "nose pin". I was told that in India, "nose pins" are a symbol of your dedication to your particular Deity. I love this idea, and believe that I am going to take on this tradition. Explaining this to other Americans will be ridiculous, as piercings generally have some kind of rebellious theme to them. I am 34, I pretty much do whatever I want to do anyway... and thinking that at my age that I have something to rebel against is kind of stupid.

A few months ago I was much more spiritually centered than I am today. I am not sure of what happened. I know that the termination of my relationship had something to do with my actions then. I had more space in my heart for God. What is my excuse now?? I want to try to live a more spiritually centered lifestyle.

I have had a glimmering thought of an experiment. I did this same experiment as a teenager, when I had my spiritual breakdown. I am thinking of exploring different religions, compiling information regarding different aspects of the Bible and of God and maybe writing a book about it. All of this would, of course, be from the perspective of a former athiest/agnostic. I want to do this after I come home from my social justice work overseas.

New goal: have a place in mind for where I would like to travel by the fall, and begin language lessons for this destination.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged!

I think that I saw prostitutes and a pimp in Chapel Hill last night. I am not entirely sure, but I am pretty confident that this is what I was seeing. I watch two very petite women, dressed very scantily, walking by a bunch of men... obviously flirting with any male that went by... and another male walking very close behind them, watching their every move. Two men approached the women, the other man stood back and then the five of them walked down the street together and disappeared into a bar on Franklin Street. In my head, this went on for about 10 minutes, but in reality, it was about a minute and a half.

Anyhow...

When Lil'EB and I were at her open mic last night, some guy approached me asking how to get her to play at his place of business. He owns a "headshop". It's funny how your perspective changes as you get older and at one time you would have thought that this was cool. As I was once a huge supporter of the local headshop in Connecticut. Yeah, I had a bong and a pipe (or two). I had a bad habit (or three). Happily, I am one that has outgrown these hobbies. I was borderline offended that he wanted to drag Lil' down to this level. (Yes, I am a completely over-protective Lil'.)

I have come to realize that I am an extremely judgemental person. I think that I have denied being so for a really long time. But lately, I have noticed that I am quick to judge others. I am making a conscious effort to stop this. (No, this will not result in my parting with any more money.)

I have a plethora of things in my past that I am not proud of. I have them all swimming around in my head just sucking up brain cells. I have no place to put them. They are just there. I had thought of starting an anonymous blog, just so that I could get these "secrets" out there in the world, on the off-chance that someone might read it and tell me that I am a crappy person for doing what was done. Then I could get over it. Then someone would know. Then someone would react. Then someone would judge me.

Why don't you judge for yourselves what is right?~Luke 12:57

As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it.~John 12:47

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.~Romans 2:1

I think that as human beings we need judgement. We claim to not want judgement, but at the same time we do things to encourage it. We wear low-cut tops to show off our boobs, or short skirts to show off our legs, or vocalize opinions that are sure to get a reaction. Is this human nature... Needing a reaction to everything that we do??

I try to not have regrets for things that have transpired. They are done. I have done them. I do not have the time travel machine to go back and make them disappear from reality. I try to just use these things as really aggressive life lessons. These are the things that made me who I am today. I have to say that I am not a half-bad person.

I was with two of my favorite people on the planet this weekend, and it was like my worlds were melding together. It's a strange feeling. Bon knows how I grew up, she was part of it. She saw the anger and aggression. She saw the depression, the mistakes, the heartache. She witnessed, first-hand, the abuse that occurred in my everyday life... She is my soul sister. Bon knows everything there is to know about me, right down to my soul. We made our mistakes (sometimes we made them together). But, I don't think that she gets how I live now. I think that she has a hard time with the "Me and God" thing, as she saw the beginning of the atheism decade in my life... but we have both grown and changed. It just took us a really long time to do this.

Lil' knows me now. I don't think that I can ever explain to her who I was when I was her age. I realized this weekend that every once in a while I let an incling of my past sneak up on me and come to life... and I wonder what Lil' would think of these events, or of me, if she had witnessed them while they transpired.

I don't embarrass very easily, but these thoughts kill me inside.

Asleep is the rose, in tired innocence... dreaming time away.
Secure in the comfort of slumbers faint embrace.
Blissfully ignorant, unaware of the imminence...
Recurring memories emerge from the deep... of old secrets unforgotten sleep.
They sink beneath the surface just long enough for you to breathe.
Then return to choke you when you wake up alone.
Shredded inside... there's one place left to turn.
A long-term problem, a temporary remedy,
but f*ck it all anyway you can pretend to be happy.
So many years of pathetic lies,
empty promises and unfulfilled dreams are scattered like dust into the winds.
Looking for the sun that eclipsed behind black feathered wings.
Tomorrow never comes, there was only ever one day... but now it's too late.
~Anathema