I Have Converted

You can now find my blog here...

http://bound4india09.wordpress.com/

Hope to see you there.

Living Life With Irrational Fears

My mom is terrified of my leaving next year. She is pretty much doing everything that she can to try to talk me out of this project. This annoys me. Each time she talks to me, there is a new reason that I shouldn't go. What if I do something that I don't know is illegal and I end up in jail? What if I have some kind of accident while using public transportation? What if I am out walking an am kidnapped, because I'm an American? What if I get raped or beaten? What if? What if? What if??? (I think that she thinks I may be an idiot.) Keep in mind that these fears come from a woman who is afraid to sit on her own porch in the morning, out of fear that a stranger may walk across her yard and try to accost her through the screens. Each of these things are meant to be a deterrent. I understand that these concerns are out of love, but at the same time I am going to be in no more danger in India than I would be in my own home. I walk my dog alone, at night... sometimes as late as 1 or 2 am. What if I am killed then? Or when I drive on the Beltline everyday to and from work, what if some idiot doesn't merge properly and completely pushes my car off of the road?

My mother's entire life has been wrapped in fear. I vowed that I would never live this way. Yes, I have some fears... I have conquered my irrational fear of bars. I am still working on my fear of clowns and spiders (not very hard, and they are not irrational).

She asked me what my fears were. My mother has never asked me this before, and I was intrigued by her interest. I told her that my biggest fear was that I would not be able to emotionally handle the project. I fear that I will become so wrapped up in the passion of the work that I will forget who I am and why I was there. My irrational fear is getting lost, physically lost. I am not good in places I am not familiar with. Public transportation has proven to be my enemy in the past, and now I will solely depend on it for everything. I fear what will happen to me at the end of 2 years, when I have to decide if I want to stay in India or come back to the States. I fear that people will realize that they are not as passionate about this cause as I am and decide to redirect their funds toward another cause, rather than supporting my trip.


Then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. ~Job 11:15


In speaking to Nikki from OasisUK yesterday morning (at early-o-clock), I realized that I am not the only one with these fears. These are common fears. Every single one of these. I am not alone. I need to remember that God is leading me toward this cause. This is what I am supposed to do. This is a good thing.


Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. ~Psalm 27:3

5:30 AM Call To London

I woke up at 5:15 this morning to make a call to London to speak to someone in the OasisUK office. This proved to be a very productive thing to do. Good things came out of this... also very scary things came out of this.

I am trying to decide if I want to start with the good things or the scary things. I guess that we have to swim through the scary to get to the good.



First of all... I don't have to raise $12,000 before I leave. I have to raise $30,000 over the time that I am in the program. (Yes, I threw up a little bit when I was told this.) Luckily, it's not all up front. This is the amount that I am expected to raise during an 18-month assignment, through fundraising and support from home.



Second... This extremely painful amount of money will cover every expense that I can possibly think of from rent, to flights to and from the States, to medical care, to groceries, to galoshes for monsoon season.



Third... $30,000 breaks down to less than $1,700.00 monthly. Which is about what I live on now. However, this will include travel expenses and other necessities. (I keep trying to justify this in my head.)



Fourth... The two year program is not an option because I am an American. This annoyed me, but I can always renew my contract for a longer stay.



Fifth... I will be living with at least one other person, which is good so that I don't get lonely. Also, there is a huge spiritual support system in place for every volunteer assigned. I can check this worry off of my list.



Sixth... I don't have to stress myself out over learning Hindi. The costs that I am to endure will cover language lessons. However, I want to learn as much as I can now, so that I have the option of cutting that cost later on.



Seventh... I automatically cut several hundred dollars from my costs because I will be able to get vaccinations here in the States before I leave.



Some good things coming out of all of this. I have been offered a free place to stay when my lease is up. I was not expecting this and wanted to pay rent, but was told that would defeat the purpose of my moving in. So yeah, good stuff there.



Worries:
1) I need to get rid of my car, the payments are going to slow my savings down. I have a neighbor who may be interested in buying it from me, and he has a car that I could get for virtually nothing... this would be a good thing.


2) I have been having some health issues, and need to see a doctor. There is a good chance that I need to have my Gall Bladder removed. More on this later.

Ramblings of A Beautiful Mind

I find the comparison "glass half full/glass half empty" interesting. I find that it also applies to the human body. Think about it. If you're hungry, your stomach is probably half empty. If you have to pee, your bladder is probably more than half full. If you need to take a deep breath, your lungs are probably half empty. Never thought of that, huh?? The brain is the only organ in the body that seemingly doesn't do this. You can just keep cramming it full of information, knowledge, poems, stories, music lyrics, political jargon, etc. Have you ever wondered just how much more crap you can fit in there? It's amazing that most people only use about 10% of their brains. I am attributing about 6.5% to this blog.

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, I think that my brain tried to become full. Every once in a while, I will wake up on the middle of the night with so much on my mind that I have to write it all down so that I can 'empty' some of it.

Enough is Enough

1) I am not eating enough, as my stomach told me at 3am this morning. So much for the burrito that I had last night. In the fact that I am not eating enough, I am also not eating enough of the things that I should be eating. According to my dietitian, I need to be eating twice what I am currently eating and approximately three times the amount of protein. Since I have the slowest metabolism on the planet (ahh, the key to not being able to lose weight), eating is supposed to solve this.

2) I am not exercising enough. I have a gym membership that I never use. This will change when I leave the part-time job. There will be no excuse to not go when I have every afternoon off. I am looking forward to this.

3) I am not being nice enough to myself. I am trying to be better about this. I honestly think that I need to run away from home for a few days to collect my thoughts and to find some inner peace. Money is an issue here.

4) I don't tell people how I feel about them enough. I like to think that people know that I love them. But I think that I need to tell them more. I think that I worry about leaving next year without people knowing how much I care about them.

5) I don't stick up for myself enough. I have been trying to be better about this too. I let people step all over me, and it sucks. For some reason, I have always been an easy target. I don't know why. In this, there are relationship difficulties with my father and sister. I worry about these relationships as I plan for my trip. Emotionally and spiritually, I am more at peace without them in my life. But I also feel like a failure for not making these relationships work.

A Dream Is But A Dream

I have several types of recurring dreams. The first one is that I am literally pulling out my hair, like in big huge chunks. I used to have really long red (dyed) hair. In all of my hair pulling dreams, my hair is the same. Usually, it's just because I am running my fingers through it and I pull out a chunk. I will hold up my hand the the wind takes this huge chunk of curly hair away from me.

The second dream is that various things are happening in one of the houses that I grew up in. I loved this house. It was a turn of the century something. It had all hardwood floors, a huge wood fireplace hearth in the front foyer. The stair case was beautiful, and parted at the bottom to either lead you into the foyer or the kitchen. There was a huge back porch that was the length of the house. Last nights dream involved 5 children coming to the door hungry. I let them in and the various friends who were there fed and cared for them.

The third dream is that my past friends and present friends are all in the same room and pandemonium happens. This is usually a pretty entertaining dream.

I have recently found a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years. Thinking of times with her made me think of other friends. I had this great friend named Tom Franks. Tom grew up very very Catholic. It was hilarious that we were so tight since I was an atheist through our entire friendship. Tom went away to college at Dartmouth and then decided to go to Seminary School in NYC. I remember Tom coming home from school on weekends. For some reason I was always able to open up to him. I could tell him anything, from doubts about God to problems with guys. I miss Tom. One of the last times I saw him, was the day that he took his vows to become a Priest. Last night Tom was in my dream, and I am now pretty determined to find out what happened to him.

Living With A Foolish Heart

I try to live by my own little "find beauty in everything" rule. About a week ago I was telling a friend about another friend. These friends have never met or seen the interactions that I have with either of them. I was telling one friend how beautiful I think that another friend of mine is. I was automatically called a lesbian. Judgemental much?? I have this friend, who is fun to be around, has a great personality and just happens to be gorgeous. I don't understand why my appreciation of this person automatically makes it seem that I am dating or attracted to them. I happen to find that most of my friends are completely gorgeous and I can pinpoint parts of them that I find attractive (and that I am completely envious of)... Example, Elaine has a great butt, Erin has a beautiful smile, Bon has great boobs. Does this mean that I am attracted to each of my friends?? No, but I have friggin' awesome friends, so who could blame me if I was?

Phone Fasting or Complicating Simplicity

I felt a little out of control for a while. So for some reason I thought that if I stopped using my phone that I would feel a little better. Not the case. I have actually found not using the phone to be extremely inconvenient. This annoys me. I also believe that I may have an unhealthy relationship going on with my phone. In all of the things that I have to get rid of in the next year: furniture, pets, clothes, SHOES... the thing that gets me is that I may have to get rid of my phone. I also believe that I have to buy a laptop to take with me so that I can stay in touch with friends and family while I am away.

Since we live in a "right now" society. Let's evaluate how technology has us all by the balls (or boobs):

1) If we can't email someone, we call them... if they don't answer, we text them. If they don't answer the text, we call or text them again until they answer... in the mean time we could have solved the problem about 15 minutes ago.

2) The internet is an amazing thing. I have self-diagnosed myself so many times thanks to webmd.com that I can't even believe that my doctor believes anything that I say. Once, I self-diagnosed that I had adult-onset ADD. So, I got an MRI... which I didn't know that they did for that. It turns out that I am just incredibly impatient.

3) dictionary.com... when was the last time you actually cracked open a dictionary??

4) The self-check out line. Personally, I think that this may possibly be the greatest invention of the 21st century. HA, grumpy cashiers, I can avoid you altogether now!!

5) Nobody has to go to the movies anymore. They can order every movie on the planet from the comfort of home. Let's just stay home for the rest of our lives and live in the giant butt implant that we have created in our couches.

6) I don't remember the last time I actually paid for gas in cash. Actually, this is a good thing. Another wonderful invention, since the gas station cashiers are pretty grumpy too.

I think that I am going to make a hard core attempt to simplify. I may POSSIBLY cut out texting from my phone plan (thanks to the inspiration of Morgan), and reduce my minutes. Do not hold me to this, as I am completely attached to my phone. I am hoping to save some cash this way and put the balance into my savings account, but I have to muster up the stamina to depend less on the wonderful invention of the cell phone. I am also going to ACTUALLY cancel the cable. I have been talking about doing this for a while, but got severely lazy. Okay, I was watching South Park reruns and enjoying Intervention. What can I say?? I like Intervention.