Gasping At Shooting Stars

Last night Elaine, Erin, Dominic (Erin's younger brother), and I went out to Jordan Lake at 1am to try to catch some of the meteor shower residue of Perseids. So, we met at the Bayless Barn and headed out of the city.

The Perseids are bits of debris left by comet Swift-Tuttle.The debris is like a river of small particles in space, and each year, Earth passes through it. As the bits zoom through our atmosphere at 37 miles per second (60 kps) they vaporize, creating the brilliant streaks of light. Most of the meteors are no larger than a grain of sand.

So, onward we went. We parked roadside and walked about a 1/2 mile through the woods. Picture Blair Witch, but with a paved road. We didn't know where we were going. We didn't know what we would find at the end. All we knew is that there was supposed to be a parking lot and a lake. We illuminated signs with the light of cell phones. We joked about axe murderers coming out of the woods. I think that my exhaustion, fused with the excitement of what was to come was fueling my adrenaline.

Then there was a parting of the trees. I thought that the moon was a streetlight, which would have been most annoying considering our quest.

We made it. There is was. A vast clearing. Stars everywhere. A gorgeous lake, hidden away from the city. We found our spot, and layed down blankets and pillows and made a picnic type situation. Then everyone just crashed.

It was so open. Just completely open. And for the first time, in a few weeks, I felt free. I was exhausted. I had been bringing grumpiness and depression to a new art form. It was so far past my bedtime that it was kind of ridiculous. I smiled and laughed the whole time. We didn't see one meteor that we weren't completely enthralled by... even the small ones were something spectacular. Erin commented that she was just gasping at each one. I found this to be true to each of us. We couldn't help it. It was just that amazing.

At one point, we all just got quiet. I am not sure if it was the overwhelming beauty... the exhaustion... or that we ran out of things to talk about (I highly doubt this one). It was like a deep breath came from all of us. My smile continued. Erin felt the need to set an alarm in case we all fell asleep.

On the walk back to the car, Elaine started to talk about "vision". How she thinks that her vision to become a pastor isn't big enough since people are not mocking her. I mocked her on this statement. But our walk really got me thinking of what is happening in the next year. I am walking blindly, with people to support me and make sure that I don't get lost in the dark. I see the parting of trees to an opening. An oasis appears. Everything that I find so beautiful is there: stars, water, trees, friends, calm, peace. This is all that I want out of life. This peaceful feeling that never seems to be around in my waking (daylight) hours.

And there it was in all of it's simplicity... laying right in front of me in pitch dark, covered with stars and grass. The metaphor for my trip. What I have been trying to figure out for the past six months. My huge DUH moment.

This isn't about me.

None of this is about me. The past doesn't matter (yes, Elaine... I know you said this before). What happens in the future doesn't matter. It's what I do with what I have that matters. Yes, I might go to India and not help a single person. But it's not about what I want. I am doing what I feel that I am being lead to do. THIS is what God wants me to do with my life. I need to believe that this is the right thing. That all of this money crap is going to work out. That my being broke all of the time will have some kind of silver lining attached to it.

The question that I keep asking myself is this... WHAT DO I WANT??

This is hard to answer, because I keep going back to "this isn't about me". I mean, it is and it isn't. I know that I want my life, my being on the planet, to mean something to someone. I don't care who, and I don't care where. I just want to know that I haven't completely wasted my life. I have pissed away the past nearly 20 years. I look at the successes of people my age. I am admittedly jealous. Marriages. Babies. Houses. Careers. None of these things feel like they would fit me. It's like a bad prom dress... you know that you have to wear one to be socially accepted at the prom, but they all fit like crap. They are made for one shape, and my shape is not complimentary to the fit of the dress.

I am blind here. For some reason, I know that this is okay.

Fly away little bird

Any place in this open mouthed world

Begs to be fed like a bed that beckons you, but you won't rest

Everyone's got a need to go

Most of us stick with our row to hoe

But not you, you're the black crow

With a straight line, and no time

For the birds of prey who wreck your nest

Twice your size steal your best

They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way

I am the words you'll never say

I crossed the great beyond of fear

I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view

You went there too

~Indigo Girls