Ramblings of A Beautiful Mind

I find the comparison "glass half full/glass half empty" interesting. I find that it also applies to the human body. Think about it. If you're hungry, your stomach is probably half empty. If you have to pee, your bladder is probably more than half full. If you need to take a deep breath, your lungs are probably half empty. Never thought of that, huh?? The brain is the only organ in the body that seemingly doesn't do this. You can just keep cramming it full of information, knowledge, poems, stories, music lyrics, political jargon, etc. Have you ever wondered just how much more crap you can fit in there? It's amazing that most people only use about 10% of their brains. I am attributing about 6.5% to this blog.

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, I think that my brain tried to become full. Every once in a while, I will wake up on the middle of the night with so much on my mind that I have to write it all down so that I can 'empty' some of it.

Enough is Enough

1) I am not eating enough, as my stomach told me at 3am this morning. So much for the burrito that I had last night. In the fact that I am not eating enough, I am also not eating enough of the things that I should be eating. According to my dietitian, I need to be eating twice what I am currently eating and approximately three times the amount of protein. Since I have the slowest metabolism on the planet (ahh, the key to not being able to lose weight), eating is supposed to solve this.

2) I am not exercising enough. I have a gym membership that I never use. This will change when I leave the part-time job. There will be no excuse to not go when I have every afternoon off. I am looking forward to this.

3) I am not being nice enough to myself. I am trying to be better about this. I honestly think that I need to run away from home for a few days to collect my thoughts and to find some inner peace. Money is an issue here.

4) I don't tell people how I feel about them enough. I like to think that people know that I love them. But I think that I need to tell them more. I think that I worry about leaving next year without people knowing how much I care about them.

5) I don't stick up for myself enough. I have been trying to be better about this too. I let people step all over me, and it sucks. For some reason, I have always been an easy target. I don't know why. In this, there are relationship difficulties with my father and sister. I worry about these relationships as I plan for my trip. Emotionally and spiritually, I am more at peace without them in my life. But I also feel like a failure for not making these relationships work.

A Dream Is But A Dream

I have several types of recurring dreams. The first one is that I am literally pulling out my hair, like in big huge chunks. I used to have really long red (dyed) hair. In all of my hair pulling dreams, my hair is the same. Usually, it's just because I am running my fingers through it and I pull out a chunk. I will hold up my hand the the wind takes this huge chunk of curly hair away from me.

The second dream is that various things are happening in one of the houses that I grew up in. I loved this house. It was a turn of the century something. It had all hardwood floors, a huge wood fireplace hearth in the front foyer. The stair case was beautiful, and parted at the bottom to either lead you into the foyer or the kitchen. There was a huge back porch that was the length of the house. Last nights dream involved 5 children coming to the door hungry. I let them in and the various friends who were there fed and cared for them.

The third dream is that my past friends and present friends are all in the same room and pandemonium happens. This is usually a pretty entertaining dream.

I have recently found a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years. Thinking of times with her made me think of other friends. I had this great friend named Tom Franks. Tom grew up very very Catholic. It was hilarious that we were so tight since I was an atheist through our entire friendship. Tom went away to college at Dartmouth and then decided to go to Seminary School in NYC. I remember Tom coming home from school on weekends. For some reason I was always able to open up to him. I could tell him anything, from doubts about God to problems with guys. I miss Tom. One of the last times I saw him, was the day that he took his vows to become a Priest. Last night Tom was in my dream, and I am now pretty determined to find out what happened to him.

Living With A Foolish Heart

I try to live by my own little "find beauty in everything" rule. About a week ago I was telling a friend about another friend. These friends have never met or seen the interactions that I have with either of them. I was telling one friend how beautiful I think that another friend of mine is. I was automatically called a lesbian. Judgemental much?? I have this friend, who is fun to be around, has a great personality and just happens to be gorgeous. I don't understand why my appreciation of this person automatically makes it seem that I am dating or attracted to them. I happen to find that most of my friends are completely gorgeous and I can pinpoint parts of them that I find attractive (and that I am completely envious of)... Example, Elaine has a great butt, Erin has a beautiful smile, Bon has great boobs. Does this mean that I am attracted to each of my friends?? No, but I have friggin' awesome friends, so who could blame me if I was?