Basking In The Generosity Of Others & The "What Ifs"

I have been completely overwhelmed with stuff. Unfortunately, all of this stuff is in my head, so I can't just put it somewhere and let it simmer until I'm ready to deal with it.

Money. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking/praying about it. And it pretty much consumes most of my thoughts during my waking hours. This really sucks. I hate this. I don't know how to make this stop.


This morning, a woman that I don't know very well, but who has always been super nice to me sent me an email. She wants to support my trip. She has a business of her own, and she proposed that if I can send some clients her way that she would give me a percentage of what she charges them. I have no idea of where I would find clients for her. So if anyone knows of someone who needs professional window treatments done, please let me know.

Yesterday, I was ensured that I won't be homeless when my lease is up in April. I thought that it was a joke at first, but then had a serious discussion that pretty much put my mind at ease. I am also allowed to bring Hugo (my cat) with me. But, he still needs a permanent home before I leave for India.

I also believe that I have found a permanent home for my dog. I have several options here. One of them involved going to New York to leave her with a friend who is convinced that Chloe will peacefully sit in a bag to ride the subway everyday so that she can accompany her to work. In an ideal world, I would love this. Then I know that she wouldn't be alone all day. In reality, I see my friend doing a lot of additional laundry because Chloe is peeing all over her due to the stress of the subway. She's old, and becoming intolerant of many things. Luckily, a local friend has offered to take Chloe in. This made me really happy, because then I can actually check on her to make sure that she is doing okay.

People are coming out of the woodwork to support me. I have a handful of people who I believe will truly support me financially while I am gone. LankEB has already agreed to be my power of attorney and to handle some of my financial matters for me.

This is so scary.

So... what's wrong??

I went to the prayer labyrinth the other morning. I was there alone. This was good because it gave me a chance to sit and think and journal and try to put some thoughts together that make sense. I made a pros and cons list for my trip. I was attempting to gather whatever lingering thoughts and concerns that I had and try to make them productive.

Here are my fears:

1) That I am using this trip and this experience as a means to run away from something else going on in my life. (i.e. responsibility, relationships, loneliness)

2) That I will go over there and not make a difference at all. That my being there won't matter to anyone.

3) What if I don't want to return to America at the end of the trip? What if I want to try to create a life for myself there, away from family and friends? What will that mean for my life here in the States?

4) What if I get there and my financial support dries up?

5) What if I begin to lose myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?

6) What if I completely fuck up this entire experience and want to come home? What am I going to do then??

7) What if I am gone for so long that my nieces don't remember me? Or that my family has no desire to visit that part of the world and they never come to see me??

Yes. These are things that I worry about.

I am trying to go into this whole thing with the attitude that failure is not an option. Failure is not something that can even happen, because after all I am making an attempt to contribute to the greater good of the world. My mom's words are lingering... "You have a way of not following through on things you do."

Yeah, the panic attacks are starting again.

Deep breath.
Deep breath.