sac·ri·fice
1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.
3. surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.
5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.
6. to make a sacrifice or offering of.
7. to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.
Lately, I have been trying to decide if a life of sacrifice is something that I can handle physically, mentally and emotionally... as well as spiritually. So far, so good.
I have been trying to incorporate sacrifice into my daily life... of course, it is sacrifice as I see fit. I still have a roof over my head and a car to drive to work. I still use conditioner in my hair and deodorant. I am not a complete nut.
This is my list of sacrifices, thus far:
1. I had given up swearing. Okay, I didn't give up ALL swearing... just the extremely offensive words that I was completely overusing. In order to do this, I forced myself to give one dollar to whoever was standing in front of me when I said the word. To date, I have given away $16... I believe that about $10 or $11 has gone to lil' EB. This was one of my personal goals. I consider this a successfully completed goal, as I have found myself only using these words under extreme duress.
2. For one week I would give something away everyday. I started the week by having a close friend come over and help me purge unnecessary stuff from my bedroom. I got rid of a lot of clothing, and SHOES, that I had not worn in a long time. I was completely okay with this until I got to the shoes and Bob (a spine that I won in a raffle and became emotionally attached to--long story). Everyday for the past week, I gave something to someone. One day it was a really nice pair of flip flops. Another day it was lunch for someone who had forgotten theirs. I left a co-worker chocolate on another day. I had to force myself to think of this everyday. I found it completely satisfying and actually had some fun doing this.
3. I am attempting to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Thanks to the coaching of lil' EB, this has been the easiest thing. I love getting up in the morning and making myself take the time to eat fresh fruit. I love taking those few minutes before I leave for work to make my salad just the way that I want it. I love shopping for produce. I am a little worried about getting bored with what I am eating. So far, I have dedicated myself to this for six months. Thus far, I am not missing the meat... but I'm kind of hurting for some cheese. Who knew that cheese could hold such an influence over someone??
I worry about being a failure. Maybe that is why I have put off trying to succeed. Perhaps sacrificing these things will eliminate potential failure... perhaps not. But if there is less to lose, then there is more to gain. Right??
Is this why I have concentrated so hard on the success of others? I think that society has put "expectations" onto us, where we have to get married and have 2.2 kids and a dog. We have to worry about play dates and PTA meetings.
I have gotten to the point that I feel disgusted with myself. I hate this place that I have put myself in. This limbo of... being average. My covenant partner once asked me what my biggest fear is. First instinct is spiders and clowns. But, deeper down.... in the core that is all Kerry, I completely fear having accomplished absolutely nothing. I fear living a life with no meaning. I am afraid of having no impact on the world what-so-ever.
Yes, friends... I realize that this is an asinine thing to worry about. I know that some of you think that I have had an impact on your lives. Thanks for saying so, I like hearing it.
You got a fast car/I want a ticket to anywhere/Maybe we make a deal/Maybe together we can get somewhere/Anyplace is better/Starting from zero got nothing to lose/Maybe we'll make something/But me myself I got nothing to prove/You got a fast car/But is it fast enough so we can fly away/We gotta make a decision/We leave tonight or live and die this way/I remember we were driving driving in your car/The speed so fast/I felt like I was drunk/City lights lay out before us/And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder/And I had a feeling that I belonged/And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone ~Tracy Chapman
2 comments:
Awesome. I wanted to know why you were sacrificing. Good reasons.
As far as fear goes, I think people confuse the word "fearless" for the word "courageous". It's ok to fear, as long as you do something about it. The fear is the best part of the roller coaster ride. There's no adrenaline rush without it, no sense of accomplishment, no achievement. Here's the definition of achievement I found:
Achievement:
A thing done successfully, typically by effort, courage, or skill.
You've got skill, you've got passion, and you've got fear. You can't be courageous without it. Swallow down that lump in your throat and butterflies in your belly and go for what you want, passionately. If you don't know what you want, keep looking and trying things until you find it. I think God's dream for us is that we do what it is that we love to do the most, for His glory, not fearlessly, but courageously. Fear is good, it shows that you value something. Of course you're afraid, you value yourself and your impact on the world. I think there are two dangerous extremes: Those who are not afraid of their impact on the world (cough cough *BUSH* cough cough) and those who are so afraid of it that they do nothing, they sit, they are stagnant. Be courageous. God has big things for you. Even if you "fail" by whatever standards you see failing as, you will be more fulfilled by that than you ever would have been if you didn't even try for what you wanted. And you can always try again. And again.
Here are some great Thomas Edison quotes I just found:
"Be courageous. I have seen many depressions in business. Always America has emerged from these stronger and more prosperous. Be brave as your fathers before you. Have faith! Go forward!"
"Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing."
"Discontent is the first necessity of progress."
Here's a good one for you:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. "
"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves."
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
Ok, I'm done.
By the by, it's good that you are talking all of this out, but eventually if there is still more belly-aching than action, I'm going to get boot camp on your ass. <3 (that's a heart, not an ass).
I love this post. It's awesome that you're confronting your fear of not accomplishing something during your life. Truth be told, that's my biggest fear, too, and for a long time it defined my life. What I've found is, and I hope this helps you to further clarify your own fear, is that when I fear not accomplishing anything, what I'm really afraid of is that I am inadequate just as I am, that I have to do something else to be worthy or be loved by God. In the past year or so, God has really smacked me upside the head with that: I don't have to do anything else to be worthy of His love. I could lounge around NC for the rest of my life, pop out a few kids and do nothing for anyone else, and God would still love me. And that blows my mind.
It's amazing that you want to go on missions and help people. That's a beautiful, beautiful thing. But make sure you're not just going to GO. I do that sometimes, commit myself to amazing projects just so I can say I did them, not because it's what Jesus calls me to do.
Worrying about failure is normal; I do it all the time. But I can see, quite plainly, that God is opening your heart to Him, and I know He's going to do amazing things with you. Another thing I forget a lot: being content exactly where God has put me right now, knowing there's a purpose to where I am, and that He'll bring me to what I need to do. :)
I hope some of my ramble helps. It's awesome that you're confronting this; keep going because the results from this kind of reflection are always amazing.
See you Thursday!
Post a Comment