The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly

I go through these periods where I think that I am a "bad" person. I even had a dream last week that God was telling me that I was a bad person.

I know, deep down, that I am actually a really good person... which is really important to me. But sometimes I think to myself, "could I have done more to help that person?" or "should I have been nicer?" Of course, this is completely ridiculous. But it is always there, tucked away somewhere in the place where my self-esteem takes a dive.

I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. One of these involved my sister. We had a huge falling out, and haven't been able to come to terms as to how to get past the situation at hand. She thinks that I am still angry, or more angry... basically, something to do with anger. I don't think that she gets that the anger has completely subsided and turned to hurt. No matter how I try, I can't make her understand. She thinks that I don't love her or that I don't forgive her for hurting me (which is not the case at all). This makes me feel like a bad person.

As I am making this huge transition in my spiritual journey, the only way that I can come up with to let her know where I am at with her is to quote scripture. Yeah, I know... the world must be coming to an end, since I am quoting scripture. I hope that you still have access to your Y2K supplies.

Genesis 50:17 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Matthew 18:21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Sara, I love you. We have a lot to work out...

Erase away the traces of the times I’ve tried to save you
Maybe that was my first mistake
And curse the day I ever thought that you would come through
For me.

You have something beautiful
Something I cannot touch
And I’ve tried
And I haven’t given up till now
It’s something silent
And silence means everything when I’m left out.

I have to say, this hurts more than I thought it would
The way you let me down
In every way, this is taking longer than it should
And I thought I would be over it by now
~Erin Brown