Yesterday afternoon I was ready to quit all of my jobs. I literally was about to put all of my crap in a box and walk out... the way that you see in movies. I wanted to pack up everything that would fit into the Cruiser and go anywhere, be anywhere but in Raleigh. This would not have been the first time that I would have done this. I guess old habits are hard to shake (i.e. running away from home).
I have been really REALLY hard on myself lately. I don't want to be, I just am. Nothing in the past few days has made me really happy (okay, the fact that I can now take off my jeans without unbuttoning them is pretty cool). This is not like me. I am trying to attribute this attitude toward exhaustion and a small bout of depression... but I think that there is more going on that I am just not owning up to. I am sure that my therapist is going to have a field day with this when I see her later this week.
I thought that it would be good to just unload every emotion, every feeling that I am having about every situation today... right here. But I don't think that I would actually get any work done and I think that people would misconstrue my words or twist them into things that I just don't mean. For some reason, I get this a lot. Maybe my mental filter and my mouth have a disconnection somewhere. Who knows?? I just know that I am in a slump, and I think that I can use a hug... I can definitely use a vacation.
I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.
~Dorothy Parker
I think that because I had to deal (0r not so much deal) with the ex this week, that this has put me in a foul mood. I took advice from a friend to send a text message saying that I didn't want to deal with him when we were both going to be in a situation where we would have to look at each other at some point during the evening. He replied with a simple "OK". This is good. We all had our evening. He was always in my peripheral sight, which of course annoyed the crap out of me. But, I made it. I made it through the evening with dignity. I held my head high. I looked cute. I did my job helping my friend. I put up the facade that I had moved on.
He did not look good. He obviously had not been taking care of himself. I know him well enough to know this. So, why am I irritated?? I am owning up to the fact that I am (still) pissed off. I am hurt and crazy angry. I thought that I was past all of this, but I'm not.
TWO YEARS!!!
Two years of hearing that our relationship was moving in a positive direction. Two years of being told that a he could never picture a future without me. Two years of hearing that there has never been a woman as incredible as me. And I believed all of it. I know that I am not the first woman to go through this, and I know that I won't be the last. I just never pictured myself as someone who would be sucked into this "love conquers all" thing.
Thanks to the wonder of Facebook and MySpace I am finding that almost all of the men that I have dated in the past 10 years are now married, have kids, or both. Even the one that I was confident that nobody on Earth would put up with. What the hell is wrong with me?? I have become this jealous, annoyed person that I just can't stand. I think that she was always in me... but she was hiding for a while. I don't want to see your happy relationship. I don't want to come to your wedding. I don't want to wish you well and congratulate you. I am just feeling so hateful lately. I really don't like being this way.
I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me...
I think that God wants me to be single forever.
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2 comments:
If I thought I could make you laugh right now, I'd give it a shot.
Be angry, just don't turn it on yourself.
Hey,
There aren't words for how much I know what you're feeling right now. There aren't really words for the emotions, I don't think, so there are none for me to tell you that I understand, empathize, and just get it. I'm totally giving you a hug right now, I'm just not there.
I wrote a lot of blog entries like this awhile ago. Venting is good venting is good venting is good. Elaine is right; being angry is a huge part of this process, but you can't turn that anger on yourself. You can't shove it away by distracting yourself either. I have the hardest time with anger, and last fall I knew I just had to feel it, wrestle with it, or it was never going to go away. Let yourself be angry at him.
If I can offer advice (feeble, I know, from a 19 year old), pray about it. My break up did more for my faith than I can understand. I prayed all day everyday for strength, faith, courage, and hope. And I prayed to forgive him. A lot. I prayed that God would take the anger away.
It's going to suck for awhile. But it gets better, I promise. I promise I promise I promise. But let it out, just like you did here, because otherwise you'll explode.
I'm here if you need me. :)
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