Living Life With Irrational Fears

My mom is terrified of my leaving next year. She is pretty much doing everything that she can to try to talk me out of this project. This annoys me. Each time she talks to me, there is a new reason that I shouldn't go. What if I do something that I don't know is illegal and I end up in jail? What if I have some kind of accident while using public transportation? What if I am out walking an am kidnapped, because I'm an American? What if I get raped or beaten? What if? What if? What if??? (I think that she thinks I may be an idiot.) Keep in mind that these fears come from a woman who is afraid to sit on her own porch in the morning, out of fear that a stranger may walk across her yard and try to accost her through the screens. Each of these things are meant to be a deterrent. I understand that these concerns are out of love, but at the same time I am going to be in no more danger in India than I would be in my own home. I walk my dog alone, at night... sometimes as late as 1 or 2 am. What if I am killed then? Or when I drive on the Beltline everyday to and from work, what if some idiot doesn't merge properly and completely pushes my car off of the road?

My mother's entire life has been wrapped in fear. I vowed that I would never live this way. Yes, I have some fears... I have conquered my irrational fear of bars. I am still working on my fear of clowns and spiders (not very hard, and they are not irrational).

She asked me what my fears were. My mother has never asked me this before, and I was intrigued by her interest. I told her that my biggest fear was that I would not be able to emotionally handle the project. I fear that I will become so wrapped up in the passion of the work that I will forget who I am and why I was there. My irrational fear is getting lost, physically lost. I am not good in places I am not familiar with. Public transportation has proven to be my enemy in the past, and now I will solely depend on it for everything. I fear what will happen to me at the end of 2 years, when I have to decide if I want to stay in India or come back to the States. I fear that people will realize that they are not as passionate about this cause as I am and decide to redirect their funds toward another cause, rather than supporting my trip.


Then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. ~Job 11:15


In speaking to Nikki from OasisUK yesterday morning (at early-o-clock), I realized that I am not the only one with these fears. These are common fears. Every single one of these. I am not alone. I need to remember that God is leading me toward this cause. This is what I am supposed to do. This is a good thing.


Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. ~Psalm 27:3