Every week during our Journey Group, we take prayer requests. One person, who we will call Geoff, always prays for discipline. I am always completely fascinated by this. I always look at this guy who seems to have it completely together. He is married to an amazing women (0ne of the most amazing people that I have ever met), and they are completely in love with eachother. He has a great family. He is gainfully employed, loves his kids and wife, is spiritually centered, and is just an over-all nice guy. Yet, Geoff prays for discipline every week. I can't remember the last time I left his presence without wondering what he needs all of this discipline for.
Lately, I have noticed that I need to have much more discipline in my life. Last week, I took a huge step (for me), and vowed to cut some of the vulgarity out of my everyday language. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge, but the only thing that I have ever found harder to do is quit drinking coffee... keep in mind, I had 2 cups this morning.
Everytime I said one of the two designated swear words, whoever was in front of me received $1.00. People were loving this, especially my friend who received 6 of the 10 dollars that I gave away in the last week. Some thought that it was funny, constantly bringing these two words into every single converstation, waiting for me to relax enough to slip. I remained strong. I tried to laugh this off, but then realized that it wasn't really funny. I had hoped that some of these folks would support me in this, but rather ridiculed my actions. I know that they were doing it in fun, and at the time it was actually funny. It's like when you go on a diet, and someone offers you a huge piece of chocolate cake and insists that they made it just for you and then gets mad that you turn down the cake, in all of its deliciousness.
I have been trying more and more to introduce discipline into my everyday life. I smile at people that I really don't care for at work, people who have been nasty to me in the past. I am trying to cut some of the sugar out of my diet. I am wanting to join a gym, as soon as I can afford it. I am trying to find my spiritual center. I am trying to find the discipline to to "let go" and allow God to lead me, wherever He wants me to go.
Yes, my apartment is still a complete disaster area. I live an an organized-chaos that I have become comfortable in. I am hoping to adopt Geoff's desire for discipline and find the floor of my bedroom in the next few weeks.
I'm so darn glad He let me try it again,
'Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin.
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then.
Gonna keep on tryin' till I reach the highest ground.
~Stevie Wonder
Monday, April 7, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Breaker 19, Jesus are you there??
In my extensive attempts to understand/comprehend/embrace/believe/navigate the Trinity (or Trilogy, as I like to call it), I think that I may have some kind of understanding of how this works. I am making no promises here.
The word comes from the Latin, "trinitas" which means three or threeness, and the word is not found in scripture. The Bible from Genesis to Revelation depicts God as being triune in nature, that He has three forms or three ways of revealing Himself!
Even though the word "Trinity" as a word is not found in the Bible, however the concept and essence is clearly stated. And the concept is one God with three conversing distinct ways to reveal Himself, "Personalities:, or "Substances". They are co-equal and co-eternal, they each have full divinity, yet are a distinct Person. We are required to give equal devotion and worship, but they are not three, but One in purpose and unity.
I am trying really hard to grasp this concept. Having faith, in knowing that this is truth is very difficult for me. After sitting down with a friend last night (poor friend) who tried diligently and extensively to get me to understand this Trinity thing, I think that we came to a solution that I finally get (I think).
So, God is like a Dispatcher... He's up there directing people and letting them know the right thing to do. Jesus is like a truck driver. He is the one that we see, with skin and blood and all that stuff who is driving around making connections to people along the way. The Holy Ghost is like the fresh fruit that the truck driver (Jesus) is delivering... He is letting us get rid of all of the moldy, icky fruit and bringing us fresh produce (this sounds so much better in my head) to enjoy, which will inevitably change our lives forever and make us healthy and happier people.
I have been trying, extensively, to have the faith that God is everywhere... In Heaven, here on Earth, and everywhere else in spirit. This is an insane amount of faith for my previously agnostically sound brain to wrap itself around. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I was told by my friend, last night, that this is a very difficult thing for most people to grasp, but for some reason I feel that people take the Trinity at face-value, because they are "expected" to. Am I the only one questioning this??
'God is a Real Estate Developer'
God is a real estate developer
with office around the nation
They say one day he'll liquidate
his holdings up on High
I say it's all speculation
He may be an absentee landlord
This may be a low rent universe
The roof may need repairs
but at last the floor is there
And the rent is not due 'til the first
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
The Lord Almighty, Limited
And his chosen elect
Site on the Up on High Development Board
quoting the bible as they hoard
The Good Book has a new look, I suspect.
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
~Michelle Shocked
The word comes from the Latin, "trinitas" which means three or threeness, and the word is not found in scripture. The Bible from Genesis to Revelation depicts God as being triune in nature, that He has three forms or three ways of revealing Himself!
Even though the word "Trinity" as a word is not found in the Bible, however the concept and essence is clearly stated. And the concept is one God with three conversing distinct ways to reveal Himself, "Personalities:, or "Substances". They are co-equal and co-eternal, they each have full divinity, yet are a distinct Person. We are required to give equal devotion and worship, but they are not three, but One in purpose and unity.
I am trying really hard to grasp this concept. Having faith, in knowing that this is truth is very difficult for me. After sitting down with a friend last night (poor friend) who tried diligently and extensively to get me to understand this Trinity thing, I think that we came to a solution that I finally get (I think).
So, God is like a Dispatcher... He's up there directing people and letting them know the right thing to do. Jesus is like a truck driver. He is the one that we see, with skin and blood and all that stuff who is driving around making connections to people along the way. The Holy Ghost is like the fresh fruit that the truck driver (Jesus) is delivering... He is letting us get rid of all of the moldy, icky fruit and bringing us fresh produce (this sounds so much better in my head) to enjoy, which will inevitably change our lives forever and make us healthy and happier people.
I have been trying, extensively, to have the faith that God is everywhere... In Heaven, here on Earth, and everywhere else in spirit. This is an insane amount of faith for my previously agnostically sound brain to wrap itself around. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I was told by my friend, last night, that this is a very difficult thing for most people to grasp, but for some reason I feel that people take the Trinity at face-value, because they are "expected" to. Am I the only one questioning this??
'God is a Real Estate Developer'
God is a real estate developer
with office around the nation
They say one day he'll liquidate
his holdings up on High
I say it's all speculation
He may be an absentee landlord
This may be a low rent universe
The roof may need repairs
but at last the floor is there
And the rent is not due 'til the first
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
The Lord Almighty, Limited
And his chosen elect
Site on the Up on High Development Board
quoting the bible as they hoard
The Good Book has a new look, I suspect.
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
~Michelle Shocked
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly
I go through these periods where I think that I am a "bad" person. I even had a dream last week that God was telling me that I was a bad person.
I know, deep down, that I am actually a really good person... which is really important to me. But sometimes I think to myself, "could I have done more to help that person?" or "should I have been nicer?" Of course, this is completely ridiculous. But it is always there, tucked away somewhere in the place where my self-esteem takes a dive.
I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. One of these involved my sister. We had a huge falling out, and haven't been able to come to terms as to how to get past the situation at hand. She thinks that I am still angry, or more angry... basically, something to do with anger. I don't think that she gets that the anger has completely subsided and turned to hurt. No matter how I try, I can't make her understand. She thinks that I don't love her or that I don't forgive her for hurting me (which is not the case at all). This makes me feel like a bad person.
As I am making this huge transition in my spiritual journey, the only way that I can come up with to let her know where I am at with her is to quote scripture. Yeah, I know... the world must be coming to an end, since I am quoting scripture. I hope that you still have access to your Y2K supplies.
Genesis 50:17 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 18:21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Sara, I love you. We have a lot to work out...
Erase away the traces of the times I’ve tried to save you
Maybe that was my first mistake
And curse the day I ever thought that you would come through
For me.
You have something beautiful
Something I cannot touch
And I’ve tried
And I haven’t given up till now
It’s something silent
And silence means everything when I’m left out.
I have to say, this hurts more than I thought it would
The way you let me down
In every way, this is taking longer than it should
And I thought I would be over it by now
~Erin Brown
I know, deep down, that I am actually a really good person... which is really important to me. But sometimes I think to myself, "could I have done more to help that person?" or "should I have been nicer?" Of course, this is completely ridiculous. But it is always there, tucked away somewhere in the place where my self-esteem takes a dive.
I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. One of these involved my sister. We had a huge falling out, and haven't been able to come to terms as to how to get past the situation at hand. She thinks that I am still angry, or more angry... basically, something to do with anger. I don't think that she gets that the anger has completely subsided and turned to hurt. No matter how I try, I can't make her understand. She thinks that I don't love her or that I don't forgive her for hurting me (which is not the case at all). This makes me feel like a bad person.
As I am making this huge transition in my spiritual journey, the only way that I can come up with to let her know where I am at with her is to quote scripture. Yeah, I know... the world must be coming to an end, since I am quoting scripture. I hope that you still have access to your Y2K supplies.
Genesis 50:17 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 18:21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Sara, I love you. We have a lot to work out...
Erase away the traces of the times I’ve tried to save you
Maybe that was my first mistake
And curse the day I ever thought that you would come through
For me.
You have something beautiful
Something I cannot touch
And I’ve tried
And I haven’t given up till now
It’s something silent
And silence means everything when I’m left out.
I have to say, this hurts more than I thought it would
The way you let me down
In every way, this is taking longer than it should
And I thought I would be over it by now
~Erin Brown
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
God vs. My Dog
I have been at my current job for about two and a half years now. I noticed something on my computer the other day, that I have bypassed over and over again. My company attempted to put little sayings about love on our "sign-in" page (which I found extremely strange to begin with). One of them says, "A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
I love my dog. I know that when she poops on the floor and I yell at her for it, she will still love me when she is done cowering under the bed. I know that when she won't walk in the rain because she doesn't want to get her feet wet, she will love me after I make her do it. I know that she loves me when she finds access to the garbage and shreds every piece of paper into miniscule pieces that I am still finding a week later, even when I become completely irrate at her. My dog loves me a lot. She puts up with me as much as I put up with her.
I am going somewhere with this... I promise.
Going back to my talk with Michelle this past weekend, she told me that of all of the Hindu Gods and Goddesses none of them had ever sacrificed themselves for us.... for humanity. Then we have Jesus.
Bear with me, as I am not educated in the Bible and have a good friend who is making every attempt to get me to understand the relationship between Jesus, God, and me. I am finding myself in awe that God sacrificed His son for us. I would be in awe of anyone sacrificing their son for anything. I get that this is God giving us His love... and that it's greater than the love that my dog has for me.
I just had to throw in a little something about love.
Love is gentle as a rose
And love can conquer any war
Its time to take a stand
Brothers and sisters join hands
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
Love transcends all space and time
And love can make a little child smile
Oh cant you see
This wont go wrong
But we got to be strong
We cant do it alone
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
~Lenny Kravitz
I love my dog. I know that when she poops on the floor and I yell at her for it, she will still love me when she is done cowering under the bed. I know that when she won't walk in the rain because she doesn't want to get her feet wet, she will love me after I make her do it. I know that she loves me when she finds access to the garbage and shreds every piece of paper into miniscule pieces that I am still finding a week later, even when I become completely irrate at her. My dog loves me a lot. She puts up with me as much as I put up with her.
I am going somewhere with this... I promise.
Going back to my talk with Michelle this past weekend, she told me that of all of the Hindu Gods and Goddesses none of them had ever sacrificed themselves for us.... for humanity. Then we have Jesus.
Bear with me, as I am not educated in the Bible and have a good friend who is making every attempt to get me to understand the relationship between Jesus, God, and me. I am finding myself in awe that God sacrificed His son for us. I would be in awe of anyone sacrificing their son for anything. I get that this is God giving us His love... and that it's greater than the love that my dog has for me.
I just had to throw in a little something about love.
Love is gentle as a rose
And love can conquer any war
Its time to take a stand
Brothers and sisters join hands
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
Love transcends all space and time
And love can make a little child smile
Oh cant you see
This wont go wrong
But we got to be strong
We cant do it alone
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
~Lenny Kravitz
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Dodging Bullets
So, I decided to call a friend from Iowa yesterday. We went to school together, and now she is living back up north with a flourishing Chiropractic Office. I called her because she recently went through the same spiritual journey that I did. We did our partying in Iowa, we did a lot that we probably shouldn't have done... because it's Iowa and there really wasn't much else to do there.
She asked me if I had been baptized yet. (I love dodging this question. I am discovering new and amazing ways to change the subject.) "No, Jamie. I haven't been baptized yet. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I was baptized now." She asked why. I explained to her that the concept of there being a Father, Son, and a Holy Spirit is an extremely scary and mysterious thing to me. I get the Father, I (kinda) get the Holy Spirit... The Son and I have some issues that we are trying to work out. (I realize that this is the reverse of what most people experience.) Until I am able to piece this puzzle together, I can't be open to a baptism.
I am going to have to take the risk of upsetting some people with the rest of this blog. I hope that you will understand.
My mom divorced my father when I was four. She married her second husband when I was five. Neither of these men were happy to have me (or my brother) around. There was abuse from both of these marriages, a combination of physical, mental, and emotional. We were a very "church on the corner" family. Whatever church was closest to the house is the one that we went to. I remember being in Sunday school... doing projects like making crosses out of construction paper and gluing macaroni to it, drawing pictures of Heaven, writing letters to God like He was Santa Claus.
I remember being told, "God will answer your prayers". So, I prayed. I did the whole kneeling by the side of the bed with perfect posture and folded hands. I did the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember asking God to protect us, to keep us safe. My father was emotionally abusive, which didn't really affect us until later in life. But my mother's second husband was physically and mentally abusive. "God, please get us out of this." "God, please protect us." I didn't understand how my letters to Santa were answered on Christmas morning, but my prayers to God went completely ignored.
Years later, after my mother divorced her second husband, I decided to explore the various aspects of religion. The area I grew up in was primarily Catholic and Jewish. My friends used to joke that I was Jewish by association, as I would celebrate Passover and Hanukkah with their families. I explored various religions looking for the answers to my question. Where was God? How can He ignore His children when the need Him to protect them? Basically, I was told that I should never ask these questions because "He is everywhere". But where?? How could all of you feel and see Him, but I was completely lost? I still don't get this, to this day.
I have a good friend who I love to tell that God lives in her head, and it would be nice if she would let Him out to visit with the rest of us every once in a while. I have been making this horrible joke with her for about two years now. One day, I finally got it.... He doesn't live in her head, He lives in her heart. I finally got that when I am at my most calm, He is with me. My breathing changes, I relax. My head is clear of any negativity. He is in my heart.
I am coming out of my fear of baptism. I am not ready to whole-heartedly accept a baptism, but I am opening up about it. Although, I have a friend who sneak-attack baptized me with rainwater from a railing at Evergreen's new building. I guess I was the first baptism at our new home.
I think that there is a part of me that still feels abandoned, when I think of praying as a child. Parts of me still wonder "why??" Why were we abused on so many levels? Why did He let us endure these awful things? I still can't answer these questions.
Lead me out into the valley
Through the waters of the deep stream that swallow me whole
Lead me out into the depths of the darkness
When I have to face this pain and anguish
Be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out into mainstream
More ravenous than dogs
Lead me out into this big dream
More tidal than the ocean and scarier to cross
And be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
You gotta be good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out through this temptation
Cuz I know I will fail if I face it alone
Lead me out through the choices I’m making
Through all of the chances I’m thinking ‘bout taking
Be good to my heart
Because I want things that I know that I don’t want in my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t get this.
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
Because I am not good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I can change this.
Lead me out through this big inevitable, questionable variable
Because I’ve been thinking a lot about how
Much this will hurt if it all crashes down
Now I’m on a tightrope with no net
If this doesn’t work out, I’ve got nothing.
Gonna stick with this path that you’ve chosen
Because it’s the best thing, all that I’m saying
Is be good to my heart
Cuz no one’s gonna be good to it if you’re not
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that you get this
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that You're gonna be good to my heart.
~Erin Brown
She asked me if I had been baptized yet. (I love dodging this question. I am discovering new and amazing ways to change the subject.) "No, Jamie. I haven't been baptized yet. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I was baptized now." She asked why. I explained to her that the concept of there being a Father, Son, and a Holy Spirit is an extremely scary and mysterious thing to me. I get the Father, I (kinda) get the Holy Spirit... The Son and I have some issues that we are trying to work out. (I realize that this is the reverse of what most people experience.) Until I am able to piece this puzzle together, I can't be open to a baptism.
I am going to have to take the risk of upsetting some people with the rest of this blog. I hope that you will understand.
My mom divorced my father when I was four. She married her second husband when I was five. Neither of these men were happy to have me (or my brother) around. There was abuse from both of these marriages, a combination of physical, mental, and emotional. We were a very "church on the corner" family. Whatever church was closest to the house is the one that we went to. I remember being in Sunday school... doing projects like making crosses out of construction paper and gluing macaroni to it, drawing pictures of Heaven, writing letters to God like He was Santa Claus.
I remember being told, "God will answer your prayers". So, I prayed. I did the whole kneeling by the side of the bed with perfect posture and folded hands. I did the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember asking God to protect us, to keep us safe. My father was emotionally abusive, which didn't really affect us until later in life. But my mother's second husband was physically and mentally abusive. "God, please get us out of this." "God, please protect us." I didn't understand how my letters to Santa were answered on Christmas morning, but my prayers to God went completely ignored.
Years later, after my mother divorced her second husband, I decided to explore the various aspects of religion. The area I grew up in was primarily Catholic and Jewish. My friends used to joke that I was Jewish by association, as I would celebrate Passover and Hanukkah with their families. I explored various religions looking for the answers to my question. Where was God? How can He ignore His children when the need Him to protect them? Basically, I was told that I should never ask these questions because "He is everywhere". But where?? How could all of you feel and see Him, but I was completely lost? I still don't get this, to this day.
I have a good friend who I love to tell that God lives in her head, and it would be nice if she would let Him out to visit with the rest of us every once in a while. I have been making this horrible joke with her for about two years now. One day, I finally got it.... He doesn't live in her head, He lives in her heart. I finally got that when I am at my most calm, He is with me. My breathing changes, I relax. My head is clear of any negativity. He is in my heart.
I am coming out of my fear of baptism. I am not ready to whole-heartedly accept a baptism, but I am opening up about it. Although, I have a friend who sneak-attack baptized me with rainwater from a railing at Evergreen's new building. I guess I was the first baptism at our new home.
I think that there is a part of me that still feels abandoned, when I think of praying as a child. Parts of me still wonder "why??" Why were we abused on so many levels? Why did He let us endure these awful things? I still can't answer these questions.
Lead me out into the valley
Through the waters of the deep stream that swallow me whole
Lead me out into the depths of the darkness
When I have to face this pain and anguish
Be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out into mainstream
More ravenous than dogs
Lead me out into this big dream
More tidal than the ocean and scarier to cross
And be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
You gotta be good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out through this temptation
Cuz I know I will fail if I face it alone
Lead me out through the choices I’m making
Through all of the chances I’m thinking ‘bout taking
Be good to my heart
Because I want things that I know that I don’t want in my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t get this.
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
Because I am not good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I can change this.
Lead me out through this big inevitable, questionable variable
Because I’ve been thinking a lot about how
Much this will hurt if it all crashes down
Now I’m on a tightrope with no net
If this doesn’t work out, I’ve got nothing.
Gonna stick with this path that you’ve chosen
Because it’s the best thing, all that I’m saying
Is be good to my heart
Cuz no one’s gonna be good to it if you’re not
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that you get this
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that You're gonna be good to my heart.
~Erin Brown
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