Half barefoot,
waiting for the other shoe
to fall.
Never completely confident
in what is
or what should be
or what is apparent.
Conditional love?
Or is it supposed to be
the other way around?
I wonder why I wait for
Gravity to be inevitable.
These eggshells that you have me
Walking on
Hurt my foot.
And I wonder how much more
I am supposed to endure.
Eventually, the other shoe
Will fall
And I will be gone.
~me
I was reading an email from a friend this morning and noticed this as her signature...
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt
I need to remember this.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Running Away from Nowhere
Yesterday afternoon I was ready to quit all of my jobs. I literally was about to put all of my crap in a box and walk out... the way that you see in movies. I wanted to pack up everything that would fit into the Cruiser and go anywhere, be anywhere but in Raleigh. This would not have been the first time that I would have done this. I guess old habits are hard to shake (i.e. running away from home).
I have been really REALLY hard on myself lately. I don't want to be, I just am. Nothing in the past few days has made me really happy (okay, the fact that I can now take off my jeans without unbuttoning them is pretty cool). This is not like me. I am trying to attribute this attitude toward exhaustion and a small bout of depression... but I think that there is more going on that I am just not owning up to. I am sure that my therapist is going to have a field day with this when I see her later this week.
I thought that it would be good to just unload every emotion, every feeling that I am having about every situation today... right here. But I don't think that I would actually get any work done and I think that people would misconstrue my words or twist them into things that I just don't mean. For some reason, I get this a lot. Maybe my mental filter and my mouth have a disconnection somewhere. Who knows?? I just know that I am in a slump, and I think that I can use a hug... I can definitely use a vacation.
I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.
~Dorothy Parker
I think that because I had to deal (0r not so much deal) with the ex this week, that this has put me in a foul mood. I took advice from a friend to send a text message saying that I didn't want to deal with him when we were both going to be in a situation where we would have to look at each other at some point during the evening. He replied with a simple "OK". This is good. We all had our evening. He was always in my peripheral sight, which of course annoyed the crap out of me. But, I made it. I made it through the evening with dignity. I held my head high. I looked cute. I did my job helping my friend. I put up the facade that I had moved on.
He did not look good. He obviously had not been taking care of himself. I know him well enough to know this. So, why am I irritated?? I am owning up to the fact that I am (still) pissed off. I am hurt and crazy angry. I thought that I was past all of this, but I'm not.
TWO YEARS!!!
Two years of hearing that our relationship was moving in a positive direction. Two years of being told that a he could never picture a future without me. Two years of hearing that there has never been a woman as incredible as me. And I believed all of it. I know that I am not the first woman to go through this, and I know that I won't be the last. I just never pictured myself as someone who would be sucked into this "love conquers all" thing.
Thanks to the wonder of Facebook and MySpace I am finding that almost all of the men that I have dated in the past 10 years are now married, have kids, or both. Even the one that I was confident that nobody on Earth would put up with. What the hell is wrong with me?? I have become this jealous, annoyed person that I just can't stand. I think that she was always in me... but she was hiding for a while. I don't want to see your happy relationship. I don't want to come to your wedding. I don't want to wish you well and congratulate you. I am just feeling so hateful lately. I really don't like being this way.
I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me...
I think that God wants me to be single forever.
I have been really REALLY hard on myself lately. I don't want to be, I just am. Nothing in the past few days has made me really happy (okay, the fact that I can now take off my jeans without unbuttoning them is pretty cool). This is not like me. I am trying to attribute this attitude toward exhaustion and a small bout of depression... but I think that there is more going on that I am just not owning up to. I am sure that my therapist is going to have a field day with this when I see her later this week.
I thought that it would be good to just unload every emotion, every feeling that I am having about every situation today... right here. But I don't think that I would actually get any work done and I think that people would misconstrue my words or twist them into things that I just don't mean. For some reason, I get this a lot. Maybe my mental filter and my mouth have a disconnection somewhere. Who knows?? I just know that I am in a slump, and I think that I can use a hug... I can definitely use a vacation.
I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.
~Dorothy Parker
I think that because I had to deal (0r not so much deal) with the ex this week, that this has put me in a foul mood. I took advice from a friend to send a text message saying that I didn't want to deal with him when we were both going to be in a situation where we would have to look at each other at some point during the evening. He replied with a simple "OK". This is good. We all had our evening. He was always in my peripheral sight, which of course annoyed the crap out of me. But, I made it. I made it through the evening with dignity. I held my head high. I looked cute. I did my job helping my friend. I put up the facade that I had moved on.
He did not look good. He obviously had not been taking care of himself. I know him well enough to know this. So, why am I irritated?? I am owning up to the fact that I am (still) pissed off. I am hurt and crazy angry. I thought that I was past all of this, but I'm not.
TWO YEARS!!!
Two years of hearing that our relationship was moving in a positive direction. Two years of being told that a he could never picture a future without me. Two years of hearing that there has never been a woman as incredible as me. And I believed all of it. I know that I am not the first woman to go through this, and I know that I won't be the last. I just never pictured myself as someone who would be sucked into this "love conquers all" thing.
Thanks to the wonder of Facebook and MySpace I am finding that almost all of the men that I have dated in the past 10 years are now married, have kids, or both. Even the one that I was confident that nobody on Earth would put up with. What the hell is wrong with me?? I have become this jealous, annoyed person that I just can't stand. I think that she was always in me... but she was hiding for a while. I don't want to see your happy relationship. I don't want to come to your wedding. I don't want to wish you well and congratulate you. I am just feeling so hateful lately. I really don't like being this way.
I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me...
I think that God wants me to be single forever.
Monday, April 28, 2008
This Blog Is Sponsored By The Letter "O"
I got about 11 1/2 hours of sleep on Saturday night... and in response to that my body/brain decided that I didn't need more than about 1 1/2 hours last night. Yay me!! So, I decided that while I was up at 2am that I would blog. However, the computer that my roommate set up for me to use decided that the letter "O" and the number "7" were not going to work, at all. I thought it would be funny to write an entire blog without the letter "O". Except, I couldn't sign into anything without the letter "O" or the number "7". Bummer.
I have this friend at my part time job that I talk to about completely asinine, and sometimes deep, things. She likes to ask me questions like "If I had a superpower, what would it be??" or "What kind of tree am I??" Naturally, I would fly and be a weeping willow. Whereas, her superpower would be that she would be able to transfer her pee to others so that she would never have to pee again or hold it for extraordinarily long periods of time so that it wouldn't inconvenience her to stop at the bathroom while she is busy. She is pretty smart.
During one of these discussions we started comparing ourselves to others around us (yes, we know that this was not a bright thing to do). We both realized that we are watching those closest to us follow their dreams and wonder what the hell we have been doing with ourselves. This is more traumatic to me, since I have about 10 years on this girl.
So, I have these amazing friends who are all following their dreams... and seem to have always had their heads on straight or known what direction they have wanted to go in. I think that this is amazing and am completely in awe of these folks. One friend is, basically, a genius who globe trots doing a job that she loves. One friend knows that she is meant to serve God, and is working toward her goal of serving in ministry. One friend is so talented that it's intimidating and knows that music is in her future. One friend is the most amazing mom and wife, and I don't know how she has her sanity at the end of each day. One friend has become a priest, and knew from the age of 16 that this is what he was meant to do. I wonder how it is that when I am surrounded by people who are so goal oriented that I have somehow lost myself. So, I tend to propel myself into all of their lives, hoping to grasp the concept of direction from them.
I seriously don't understand how someone can go to college at age 18, and pick something to do for the rest of their lives. They haven't even done anything yet!! They haven't lived. They haven't been fired or had a job that they hated so much that they daydreamed of walking out on a meeting and never turning back. They haven't had to deal with office politics, pay raises, or 401K.
I understand the concept of "passion", how one can take the passion that they have for books or music or other cultures and direct themselves that way. But I don't understand how one can say for sure "yes, at the age of 19 or 20, I have decided that I want to be a professor of literature" or "I think that I am going to be a brain surgeon". Is society's expectations of us so different for this Generation Y (or whatever they are called) so different from the expectations that they had put on us Gen-Xers? Was it all of the grunge music and Starbucks that ruined us??
I just wanted to give props to all of you who know what the hell you are doing. I am in constant awe of you everyday. Even now, when I am pretty sure that I know what I want to do and where I want to go, I hesitate. I am waiting for God to give me that push in the right direction. I keep waiting to "hear" what He is saying to me.
We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World
I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
At all the millions here
I must have died alone
A long, long time ago
Who knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
~Nirvana
FYI... I managed to use the letter "O" 255 times in this blog. So doing it without it would have really sucked.... make that 266!!!
I have this friend at my part time job that I talk to about completely asinine, and sometimes deep, things. She likes to ask me questions like "If I had a superpower, what would it be??" or "What kind of tree am I??" Naturally, I would fly and be a weeping willow. Whereas, her superpower would be that she would be able to transfer her pee to others so that she would never have to pee again or hold it for extraordinarily long periods of time so that it wouldn't inconvenience her to stop at the bathroom while she is busy. She is pretty smart.
During one of these discussions we started comparing ourselves to others around us (yes, we know that this was not a bright thing to do). We both realized that we are watching those closest to us follow their dreams and wonder what the hell we have been doing with ourselves. This is more traumatic to me, since I have about 10 years on this girl.
So, I have these amazing friends who are all following their dreams... and seem to have always had their heads on straight or known what direction they have wanted to go in. I think that this is amazing and am completely in awe of these folks. One friend is, basically, a genius who globe trots doing a job that she loves. One friend knows that she is meant to serve God, and is working toward her goal of serving in ministry. One friend is so talented that it's intimidating and knows that music is in her future. One friend is the most amazing mom and wife, and I don't know how she has her sanity at the end of each day. One friend has become a priest, and knew from the age of 16 that this is what he was meant to do. I wonder how it is that when I am surrounded by people who are so goal oriented that I have somehow lost myself. So, I tend to propel myself into all of their lives, hoping to grasp the concept of direction from them.
I seriously don't understand how someone can go to college at age 18, and pick something to do for the rest of their lives. They haven't even done anything yet!! They haven't lived. They haven't been fired or had a job that they hated so much that they daydreamed of walking out on a meeting and never turning back. They haven't had to deal with office politics, pay raises, or 401K.
I understand the concept of "passion", how one can take the passion that they have for books or music or other cultures and direct themselves that way. But I don't understand how one can say for sure "yes, at the age of 19 or 20, I have decided that I want to be a professor of literature" or "I think that I am going to be a brain surgeon". Is society's expectations of us so different for this Generation Y (or whatever they are called) so different from the expectations that they had put on us Gen-Xers? Was it all of the grunge music and Starbucks that ruined us??
I just wanted to give props to all of you who know what the hell you are doing. I am in constant awe of you everyday. Even now, when I am pretty sure that I know what I want to do and where I want to go, I hesitate. I am waiting for God to give me that push in the right direction. I keep waiting to "hear" what He is saying to me.
We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World
I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
At all the millions here
I must have died alone
A long, long time ago
Who knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
~Nirvana
FYI... I managed to use the letter "O" 255 times in this blog. So doing it without it would have really sucked.... make that 266!!!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Mumbai vs. Hell
I have been doing my homework on what Oasis India and OasisUK do. How they help the world at large. I am completely enthralled with this organization. It seems that I may have some traveling, and purpose, in my future endeavors. EXCITING!!! Check them out: http://www.oasisindia.org/ and http://www.oasisuk.org/
I decided to head down to Barnes & Nobles the other day to do some light reading about India, particularly Mumbai. It turns out that the year round temperature of Mumbai is equivalent to the year round temperature of Hell, but with 10,000% more humidity. I hate heat. I think that even more than I hate heat, I despise humidity to a degree that is almost ridiculous. Humidity is not my friend. The thought of living in year round heat and humidity is absolutely ridiculous to me. But, I still want to go. What's up with that?? Have I mentioned that I hate humidity??
I got to have a nice long talk with Michelle (missionary who lives in India) yesterday. I told her about my fears of giving up this life that I have become so comfortable in. She understood everything that I had said to her. I just love this chick. I talked to her about her position at the Life Center and about living in India. She lives in a village about 2 1/2 hours away from Mumbai. So, apparently the humidity isn't as bad because she is more in the mountains. (Oh, the glimmer of hope is shining through)
I have been doing a lot of praying about what I would like to do with my life. I am 34 years old, and I feel as if I have not lived a life of purpose at all. I am kind of just going through the motions of living. I am thrusting my efforts, passion, energy, and love into the lives of others around me. I get something out of this, but they won't need/want me around forever.
It would be so easy for me to go to India and work with kids. For some reason children have always been drawn to me. Perhaps, because I am like a big kid myself. Or the fact that I don't talk down to them, I just treat them like really short grown-ups. I don't know why, but doing something easy is not appealing to me at all. I want a challenge. I want to have to earn the trust and love of others. I want to know that I am making a difference. I can always fall back on the kid thing. There will always be kids somewhere needing something.
Delving deeper into what I am considering a challenge, I have been doing a lot of research on the Anti-Trafficing Movement in various countries. Ironically, the Oasis India project doesn't have positions posted on their website, that I have been able to pin-point. While talking to Michelle, I realized that there is a huge need for "rehabbing" women... giving them a leg-up into a society that has kept them down. I love this idea. I am passionate about this idea.
Doing the prayer thing like I didn't even know I could.
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morrisette
I decided to head down to Barnes & Nobles the other day to do some light reading about India, particularly Mumbai. It turns out that the year round temperature of Mumbai is equivalent to the year round temperature of Hell, but with 10,000% more humidity. I hate heat. I think that even more than I hate heat, I despise humidity to a degree that is almost ridiculous. Humidity is not my friend. The thought of living in year round heat and humidity is absolutely ridiculous to me. But, I still want to go. What's up with that?? Have I mentioned that I hate humidity??
I got to have a nice long talk with Michelle (missionary who lives in India) yesterday. I told her about my fears of giving up this life that I have become so comfortable in. She understood everything that I had said to her. I just love this chick. I talked to her about her position at the Life Center and about living in India. She lives in a village about 2 1/2 hours away from Mumbai. So, apparently the humidity isn't as bad because she is more in the mountains. (Oh, the glimmer of hope is shining through)
I have been doing a lot of praying about what I would like to do with my life. I am 34 years old, and I feel as if I have not lived a life of purpose at all. I am kind of just going through the motions of living. I am thrusting my efforts, passion, energy, and love into the lives of others around me. I get something out of this, but they won't need/want me around forever.
It would be so easy for me to go to India and work with kids. For some reason children have always been drawn to me. Perhaps, because I am like a big kid myself. Or the fact that I don't talk down to them, I just treat them like really short grown-ups. I don't know why, but doing something easy is not appealing to me at all. I want a challenge. I want to have to earn the trust and love of others. I want to know that I am making a difference. I can always fall back on the kid thing. There will always be kids somewhere needing something.
Delving deeper into what I am considering a challenge, I have been doing a lot of research on the Anti-Trafficing Movement in various countries. Ironically, the Oasis India project doesn't have positions posted on their website, that I have been able to pin-point. While talking to Michelle, I realized that there is a huge need for "rehabbing" women... giving them a leg-up into a society that has kept them down. I love this idea. I am passionate about this idea.
Doing the prayer thing like I didn't even know I could.
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morrisette
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Being Vegan-ish
I bought four cantaloupes the other day. They were on sale. I also bought an avocado, three pints of strawberries, two of the biggest cucumbers I have ever seen, and enough mushrooms, spinach and asparagus to feed a small city.
I made dinner the other night. I steamed mushrooms, whole garlic cloves, and asparagus. Then I got a spinach flavored tortilla and loaded it with fresh spinach, sliced yellow peppers and this yummy ginger sesame dressing I found. Once the veggies were cooked, I loaded everything onto the tortilla and made this enormously large veggie taco concoction. It was seriously the best thing that I had eaten in a really long time. I was in awe of my own genius. I called lil' EB and told her what I had made, and she was equally as excited as I was, and she wasn't even there. We are making it later this week... I love having someone to share this love of fresh food with.
This morning while I was preparing breakfast and lunch to bring to work, I was cutting one of my cantaloupes. The juice was running all over my hands and arms, and I was just licking it off of everything. It was so yummy. I packed my little juice box thingy of chocolate soy milk, put my cantaloupe and strawberries in a bag and worked on this huge salad that I am going to eat for lunch today. Spinach, red leaf lettuce, red and yellow peppers and seedless cucumber. YUM!!!While I would never claim to be a morning person, I realized this morning that the twenty to thirty minutes it takes me to prepare food for my day has become the best part of my day. I love standing in the kitchen with fruit everywhere, picking through the good berries and chopping peppers.
I have to say that I am kind of liking this vegan thing... and am realizing that its kind of unfair to call this dietary lifestyle a "sacrifice". I think that its easy to forget that God has made all of these wonderful fruits and vegetables for us to eat, to nourish our bodies, when all we are eating is meat and fat and cheese. Don't get me wrong, I love cheese. I miss cheese. Cheese has been the hardest thing for me to give up next to coffee creamer (it was just easier to give up coffee). But seriously, when was the last time you had a really amazing tomato and was just amazed that God made this tomato and that it was the best tomato on the planet? Or had a pear, and was like "wow, that is an amazing pear... thanks God." (idea from lil'EB)
I really want to encourage folks to try this dietary lifestyle for at least two weeks. Yes, TWO WEEKS!! I know that its a long time to go without a hamburger or chicken. But if I can make it through my period without a big ol' bacon cheeseburger, than you can too. The first week, is okay. You kind of feel rundown, a little on the sluggish side. But you are eating such great stuff. The second week, you feel amazing. I have more energy. I am sleeping better at night. I am less grumpy in the morning. Who would have thought that putting only healthy fruits, veggies and grains into your body would make you feel good?? Lil' EB and I will be there to cheer you on and to eat whatever you are making that is going to be super yummy.
Hey God, thanks for that great cantaloupe this morning. It took me over an hour to eat, and I savored every delicious bite. It was awesome. I will look forward to cutting up another one for breakfast tomorrow.
I made dinner the other night. I steamed mushrooms, whole garlic cloves, and asparagus. Then I got a spinach flavored tortilla and loaded it with fresh spinach, sliced yellow peppers and this yummy ginger sesame dressing I found. Once the veggies were cooked, I loaded everything onto the tortilla and made this enormously large veggie taco concoction. It was seriously the best thing that I had eaten in a really long time. I was in awe of my own genius. I called lil' EB and told her what I had made, and she was equally as excited as I was, and she wasn't even there. We are making it later this week... I love having someone to share this love of fresh food with.
This morning while I was preparing breakfast and lunch to bring to work, I was cutting one of my cantaloupes. The juice was running all over my hands and arms, and I was just licking it off of everything. It was so yummy. I packed my little juice box thingy of chocolate soy milk, put my cantaloupe and strawberries in a bag and worked on this huge salad that I am going to eat for lunch today. Spinach, red leaf lettuce, red and yellow peppers and seedless cucumber. YUM!!!While I would never claim to be a morning person, I realized this morning that the twenty to thirty minutes it takes me to prepare food for my day has become the best part of my day. I love standing in the kitchen with fruit everywhere, picking through the good berries and chopping peppers.
I have to say that I am kind of liking this vegan thing... and am realizing that its kind of unfair to call this dietary lifestyle a "sacrifice". I think that its easy to forget that God has made all of these wonderful fruits and vegetables for us to eat, to nourish our bodies, when all we are eating is meat and fat and cheese. Don't get me wrong, I love cheese. I miss cheese. Cheese has been the hardest thing for me to give up next to coffee creamer (it was just easier to give up coffee). But seriously, when was the last time you had a really amazing tomato and was just amazed that God made this tomato and that it was the best tomato on the planet? Or had a pear, and was like "wow, that is an amazing pear... thanks God." (idea from lil'EB)
I really want to encourage folks to try this dietary lifestyle for at least two weeks. Yes, TWO WEEKS!! I know that its a long time to go without a hamburger or chicken. But if I can make it through my period without a big ol' bacon cheeseburger, than you can too. The first week, is okay. You kind of feel rundown, a little on the sluggish side. But you are eating such great stuff. The second week, you feel amazing. I have more energy. I am sleeping better at night. I am less grumpy in the morning. Who would have thought that putting only healthy fruits, veggies and grains into your body would make you feel good?? Lil' EB and I will be there to cheer you on and to eat whatever you are making that is going to be super yummy.
Hey God, thanks for that great cantaloupe this morning. It took me over an hour to eat, and I savored every delicious bite. It was awesome. I will look forward to cutting up another one for breakfast tomorrow.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Oasis
Okay, I should really consider doing actual work while I am at work sometime.
I decided to do some research today, on OasisUK, the organization that Divya (from Oasis India) referred me to. WOW!!! I am seeing potential for myself here. What a concept!! The positions are listed by country. I have found 4 countries, so far, with Anti-Trafficing Research positions available. Has anyone ever been to Brazil??
I am kind of freaking out here a little bit. There are so many opportunities available, and I had absolutely no idea. Some of these positions are looking for coverage as soon as September of this year!! Holy crap.
Wow... is that a light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel??
I decided to do some research today, on OasisUK, the organization that Divya (from Oasis India) referred me to. WOW!!! I am seeing potential for myself here. What a concept!! The positions are listed by country. I have found 4 countries, so far, with Anti-Trafficing Research positions available. Has anyone ever been to Brazil??
I am kind of freaking out here a little bit. There are so many opportunities available, and I had absolutely no idea. Some of these positions are looking for coverage as soon as September of this year!! Holy crap.
Wow... is that a light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel??
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Going... Going... Gone.
I have been spending the past few months trying to figure out exactly what God has in store for me. I think that I may be being lead to live a life of sacrifice. I realize that I am kind of pushing the issue... almost forcing myself into these thoughts and actions, but for some reason the need to drive forward is overwhelming. I have been stuck in one place for so long, that I have become comfortable. Almost disgustingly so.
sac·ri·fice
1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.
3. surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.
5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.
6. to make a sacrifice or offering of.
7. to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.
Lately, I have been trying to decide if a life of sacrifice is something that I can handle physically, mentally and emotionally... as well as spiritually. So far, so good.
I have been trying to incorporate sacrifice into my daily life... of course, it is sacrifice as I see fit. I still have a roof over my head and a car to drive to work. I still use conditioner in my hair and deodorant. I am not a complete nut.
This is my list of sacrifices, thus far:
1. I had given up swearing. Okay, I didn't give up ALL swearing... just the extremely offensive words that I was completely overusing. In order to do this, I forced myself to give one dollar to whoever was standing in front of me when I said the word. To date, I have given away $16... I believe that about $10 or $11 has gone to lil' EB. This was one of my personal goals. I consider this a successfully completed goal, as I have found myself only using these words under extreme duress.
2. For one week I would give something away everyday. I started the week by having a close friend come over and help me purge unnecessary stuff from my bedroom. I got rid of a lot of clothing, and SHOES, that I had not worn in a long time. I was completely okay with this until I got to the shoes and Bob (a spine that I won in a raffle and became emotionally attached to--long story). Everyday for the past week, I gave something to someone. One day it was a really nice pair of flip flops. Another day it was lunch for someone who had forgotten theirs. I left a co-worker chocolate on another day. I had to force myself to think of this everyday. I found it completely satisfying and actually had some fun doing this.
3. I am attempting to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Thanks to the coaching of lil' EB, this has been the easiest thing. I love getting up in the morning and making myself take the time to eat fresh fruit. I love taking those few minutes before I leave for work to make my salad just the way that I want it. I love shopping for produce. I am a little worried about getting bored with what I am eating. So far, I have dedicated myself to this for six months. Thus far, I am not missing the meat... but I'm kind of hurting for some cheese. Who knew that cheese could hold such an influence over someone??
sac·ri·fice
1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.
3. surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.
5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.
6. to make a sacrifice or offering of.
7. to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.
Lately, I have been trying to decide if a life of sacrifice is something that I can handle physically, mentally and emotionally... as well as spiritually. So far, so good.
I have been trying to incorporate sacrifice into my daily life... of course, it is sacrifice as I see fit. I still have a roof over my head and a car to drive to work. I still use conditioner in my hair and deodorant. I am not a complete nut.
This is my list of sacrifices, thus far:
1. I had given up swearing. Okay, I didn't give up ALL swearing... just the extremely offensive words that I was completely overusing. In order to do this, I forced myself to give one dollar to whoever was standing in front of me when I said the word. To date, I have given away $16... I believe that about $10 or $11 has gone to lil' EB. This was one of my personal goals. I consider this a successfully completed goal, as I have found myself only using these words under extreme duress.
2. For one week I would give something away everyday. I started the week by having a close friend come over and help me purge unnecessary stuff from my bedroom. I got rid of a lot of clothing, and SHOES, that I had not worn in a long time. I was completely okay with this until I got to the shoes and Bob (a spine that I won in a raffle and became emotionally attached to--long story). Everyday for the past week, I gave something to someone. One day it was a really nice pair of flip flops. Another day it was lunch for someone who had forgotten theirs. I left a co-worker chocolate on another day. I had to force myself to think of this everyday. I found it completely satisfying and actually had some fun doing this.
3. I am attempting to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Thanks to the coaching of lil' EB, this has been the easiest thing. I love getting up in the morning and making myself take the time to eat fresh fruit. I love taking those few minutes before I leave for work to make my salad just the way that I want it. I love shopping for produce. I am a little worried about getting bored with what I am eating. So far, I have dedicated myself to this for six months. Thus far, I am not missing the meat... but I'm kind of hurting for some cheese. Who knew that cheese could hold such an influence over someone??
I worry about being a failure. Maybe that is why I have put off trying to succeed. Perhaps sacrificing these things will eliminate potential failure... perhaps not. But if there is less to lose, then there is more to gain. Right??
Is this why I have concentrated so hard on the success of others? I think that society has put "expectations" onto us, where we have to get married and have 2.2 kids and a dog. We have to worry about play dates and PTA meetings.
I have gotten to the point that I feel disgusted with myself. I hate this place that I have put myself in. This limbo of... being average. My covenant partner once asked me what my biggest fear is. First instinct is spiders and clowns. But, deeper down.... in the core that is all Kerry, I completely fear having accomplished absolutely nothing. I fear living a life with no meaning. I am afraid of having no impact on the world what-so-ever.
Yes, friends... I realize that this is an asinine thing to worry about. I know that some of you think that I have had an impact on your lives. Thanks for saying so, I like hearing it.
You got a fast car/I want a ticket to anywhere/Maybe we make a deal/Maybe together we can get somewhere/Anyplace is better/Starting from zero got nothing to lose/Maybe we'll make something/But me myself I got nothing to prove/You got a fast car/But is it fast enough so we can fly away/We gotta make a decision/We leave tonight or live and die this way/I remember we were driving driving in your car/The speed so fast/I felt like I was drunk/City lights lay out before us/And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder/And I had a feeling that I belonged/And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone ~Tracy Chapman
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Today Is Going To Be A Good Day
I woke up this morning thinking that today is going to be a good day. I went to the grocery store to get some fruit and a very large man, probably in his late 40's, was sitting with the driver's side door open to his minivan with the radio really loud. He was singing some Whitney Houston duet/ballad thing, and thoroughly enjoying himself. He's going to have a good day.
I was leaving lil' EBs house last night, with a particular song in my head. So, I got in my car and put on some Missy Higgins to try to get this song out of my head. This worked... for about 15 minutes, until I got home. I walked the dog, and sang the song. I brushed my teeth, and sang the song. I talked to my roomie, and sang the song. I went to bed and prayed, and learned that if God didn't already know all of the lyrics to "Does This Ring A Bell?", that He does now. Instead of praying, I found myself singing in my head.
Does this ring a bell?
Ring-a-ling a bell?
Does it hurt, love?
Hurt like hell?
Does the sweat from my brow
Drip drip
Bring about anything that will make this better?
To premise this, lil' EB and I were doing some research to see where we can get her some gigs. I was super excited about this. I love doing this. I love knowing that when lil' EB becomes a huge success that I was there at the beginning, lovingly badgering the crap out of her to get her recording done and helping talk to potential studio guys. YAY!!! I have had more fun, and been more exhausted, in the past two weeks than I have had in the past two years. Love you girl, you rock!!
Oh... checking off one of my goals today.
This morning I received an email from a woman named Divya, with Oasis India. She asked what my interests were in getting involved with the organization, and then suggested that I contact the folks at OasisUK. Oasis has organizations all over the world that do humanitarian efforts. So, this is my next move. I finally feel like I am getting something done for myself. Thanks for the push, ladies!!
I was leaving lil' EBs house last night, with a particular song in my head. So, I got in my car and put on some Missy Higgins to try to get this song out of my head. This worked... for about 15 minutes, until I got home. I walked the dog, and sang the song. I brushed my teeth, and sang the song. I talked to my roomie, and sang the song. I went to bed and prayed, and learned that if God didn't already know all of the lyrics to "Does This Ring A Bell?", that He does now. Instead of praying, I found myself singing in my head.
Does this ring a bell?
Ring-a-ling a bell?
Does it hurt, love?
Hurt like hell?
Does the sweat from my brow
Drip drip
Bring about anything that will make this better?
To premise this, lil' EB and I were doing some research to see where we can get her some gigs. I was super excited about this. I love doing this. I love knowing that when lil' EB becomes a huge success that I was there at the beginning, lovingly badgering the crap out of her to get her recording done and helping talk to potential studio guys. YAY!!! I have had more fun, and been more exhausted, in the past two weeks than I have had in the past two years. Love you girl, you rock!!
Oh... checking off one of my goals today.
This morning I received an email from a woman named Divya, with Oasis India. She asked what my interests were in getting involved with the organization, and then suggested that I contact the folks at OasisUK. Oasis has organizations all over the world that do humanitarian efforts. So, this is my next move. I finally feel like I am getting something done for myself. Thanks for the push, ladies!!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
She Shoots.... She Scores??
I'm great in a crisis... okay, not any crisis that affects me. But I am fantastic when other's are experiencing despair. I have a tendency to take charge, and plunge forward to try to find that end result that will calm and satisfy everyone involved.
I also love helping others achieve their goals. Lately, I have been badgering (lovingly) someone very close to me to get to her personal/professional goal. I think that I am starting to bug the crap out of her, but she is too sweet to tell me. We are spending a lot of time together... we are finishing each other's sentences and picking up each other's mannerisms. I am having a field day with this "project". Plus, she is super fun to hang out with and I have truly been enjoying myself and I am good at this stuff. I can't remember the last time that I had this much fun... but, I have been using this experience to avoid my own stuff.
Yesterday, I got called on the avoidance that I thought that I was becoming so good at. I have been challenged to make my own list of goals. I have never made a list of goals for anything in my life. So, I am a little intimidated by this.
Let me first premise this by saying that I have never successfully "finished" anything in my life. I know that this must be shocking (I am totally being sarcastic here), but yes... I am a non-finisher. When I "clean" my apartment, I merely make piles of things and never actually put them away, hoping that it looks presentable when people come over. I have been enrolled in 4 colleges... FOUR!!!! I have no degree from any of these schools.
I take on projects because there is always an end to them. The goal is always achieved, and I can take some satisfaction from knowing that I had a part in this... Hence, my involvement with the badgering (lovingly) of my friend toward her goal. I would love nothing more than to see her succeed. This would be plenty for me to feel content, knowing that I had a part in her success and happiness.
So, then I have my stuff.... yeah. It's out there, just waiting for me to get to it. In limbo. There it is. I am trying to best describe this to you...
Okay...It's like the Lincoln Tunnel in New York. The Lincoln Tunnel is 8,216 feet long and connects Manhattan's West 38th Street to Weehawken, New Jersey and was constructed under the Hudson River. So, you enter the tunnel in Manhattan, its big and dark, and you know that you are going to be going under several thousand tons of water. This is not fun for clausterphobes at all. So, you are driving and driving, and you can't see the end of the tunnel, because it's on the other side of a really gross, dirty river. But, you know that the end is there, because how else are you going to get to New Jersey without getting onto I-95?? (This really does make sense if you are from, or have ever been to, the north, because taking 95 in New York is a massive pain in the butt.) So, you know that the end of the tunnel is coming, but it's super dark in there and you are completely surrounded by aggressive drivers, all wanting to go to New Jersey, for some reason. Here's the thing. If there is an accident in the tunnel, you are stuck there, under a tons of water and concrete. Feeling trapped. I have experienced this, and it sucks. All that is around you is aggressive New York drivers, attitude, confusion, darkness illuminated by headlights and an occasional street light, and the unknown of when you may be able to get out of the stupid tunnel.
So, they clean up the accident and the traffic clears up some, but you are only half-way through the tunnel. You still have about 4,000 feet of tunnel to go. You keep waiting for the light of day, knowing that you should have your sunglasses ready at any moment. Then, there is another delay. Aww, crap. I am still in the tunnel. This is how I feel about making goals. I know that I have to get to the other side of the tunnel, but I have to accept that I am going to be sitting in traffic, under hundreds of thousands of tons of water and concrete. Basically, if I get stuck, I am screwed.
Yes, my friends... I realize that this is fear.
So, I have been praying to ask God to help me find my light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel. I don't want to be stuck in traffic forever. So, I have decided to blog my goals.
1) Contact my sister's friend, who works with an international/humanitarian organization
~~check, I emailed her last night
2) Research the best way to get involved with IJM, Heart of God, Oasis India or other international missions.
3) Try to open a line of discussion with these folks to find out what their perspective on embracing the religious beliefs of other cultures vs. preaching Jesus.... is this done??
4) Save some cash to visit Michelle in Mumbai, possibly this winter or next spring.
5) Prayer for clarity, strength, love, hope, support of those around me.
Thanks for the push, little EB. Will be asking big EB to help too.
I also love helping others achieve their goals. Lately, I have been badgering (lovingly) someone very close to me to get to her personal/professional goal. I think that I am starting to bug the crap out of her, but she is too sweet to tell me. We are spending a lot of time together... we are finishing each other's sentences and picking up each other's mannerisms. I am having a field day with this "project". Plus, she is super fun to hang out with and I have truly been enjoying myself and I am good at this stuff. I can't remember the last time that I had this much fun... but, I have been using this experience to avoid my own stuff.
Yesterday, I got called on the avoidance that I thought that I was becoming so good at. I have been challenged to make my own list of goals. I have never made a list of goals for anything in my life. So, I am a little intimidated by this.
Let me first premise this by saying that I have never successfully "finished" anything in my life. I know that this must be shocking (I am totally being sarcastic here), but yes... I am a non-finisher. When I "clean" my apartment, I merely make piles of things and never actually put them away, hoping that it looks presentable when people come over. I have been enrolled in 4 colleges... FOUR!!!! I have no degree from any of these schools.
I take on projects because there is always an end to them. The goal is always achieved, and I can take some satisfaction from knowing that I had a part in this... Hence, my involvement with the badgering (lovingly) of my friend toward her goal. I would love nothing more than to see her succeed. This would be plenty for me to feel content, knowing that I had a part in her success and happiness.
So, then I have my stuff.... yeah. It's out there, just waiting for me to get to it. In limbo. There it is. I am trying to best describe this to you...
Okay...It's like the Lincoln Tunnel in New York. The Lincoln Tunnel is 8,216 feet long and connects Manhattan's West 38th Street to Weehawken, New Jersey and was constructed under the Hudson River. So, you enter the tunnel in Manhattan, its big and dark, and you know that you are going to be going under several thousand tons of water. This is not fun for clausterphobes at all. So, you are driving and driving, and you can't see the end of the tunnel, because it's on the other side of a really gross, dirty river. But, you know that the end is there, because how else are you going to get to New Jersey without getting onto I-95?? (This really does make sense if you are from, or have ever been to, the north, because taking 95 in New York is a massive pain in the butt.) So, you know that the end of the tunnel is coming, but it's super dark in there and you are completely surrounded by aggressive drivers, all wanting to go to New Jersey, for some reason. Here's the thing. If there is an accident in the tunnel, you are stuck there, under a tons of water and concrete. Feeling trapped. I have experienced this, and it sucks. All that is around you is aggressive New York drivers, attitude, confusion, darkness illuminated by headlights and an occasional street light, and the unknown of when you may be able to get out of the stupid tunnel.
So, they clean up the accident and the traffic clears up some, but you are only half-way through the tunnel. You still have about 4,000 feet of tunnel to go. You keep waiting for the light of day, knowing that you should have your sunglasses ready at any moment. Then, there is another delay. Aww, crap. I am still in the tunnel. This is how I feel about making goals. I know that I have to get to the other side of the tunnel, but I have to accept that I am going to be sitting in traffic, under hundreds of thousands of tons of water and concrete. Basically, if I get stuck, I am screwed.
Yes, my friends... I realize that this is fear.
So, I have been praying to ask God to help me find my light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel. I don't want to be stuck in traffic forever. So, I have decided to blog my goals.
1) Contact my sister's friend, who works with an international/humanitarian organization
~~check, I emailed her last night
2) Research the best way to get involved with IJM, Heart of God, Oasis India or other international missions.
3) Try to open a line of discussion with these folks to find out what their perspective on embracing the religious beliefs of other cultures vs. preaching Jesus.... is this done??
4) Save some cash to visit Michelle in Mumbai, possibly this winter or next spring.
5) Prayer for clarity, strength, love, hope, support of those around me.
Thanks for the push, little EB. Will be asking big EB to help too.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Curb Appeal
My dog, Chloe, does this thing that annoys the crap out of me. We will go for walks in the morning around the apartment community, and she refuses to walk in the grass because she doesn't want to get her feet wet. Instead, she walks on the curb, only giving in when she absolutely has to. She can get away with this, because she is tiny (7lbs.), I humor her, and because she is a brat.
I realized the other morning, during our walk, that I have been doing the exact same thing. Yes, God... I have been standing on the curb, afraid to get my feet wet... Completely freaked out by what You may have in store for me. Resisting acceptance of Jesus. Afraid to hear what You want me to hear or to do what you want me to do. I have been dipping my toes into the water for so long, that I have forgotten (or basically put off accepting) that an actual plunge is imminent. I am standing on the edge.
I have been trying to wrap my "black and white" brain around my spiritual growth for so long, that I neglected to realize that I already had God in my heart. I have never understood how people claim to "hear" what God is telling them. Then I had this epiphony... I have given in. I have accepted Him. The shades of gray that my brain won't allow have been in my heart for so long, I can almost taste them.
Alright, God. What do you want from me??
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from insideI
am ready
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine
~Counting Crows
I have begun a new project, with the support of some great friends. Thanks for the support ladies. I don't know if you will ever truly know how much I love you!!!
I will keep everyone updated on this... If it goes the way that I am hoping, it will be fabulous.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
God vs. My Brain
Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand.
-Deuteronomy 28:32
-Deuteronomy 28:32
I think that I am growing. I was kind of hoping for height, but God has other plans for me. I am beginning to feel spiritual growth on a daily basis. Yeah, I have noticed it before. Maybe I wasn't as susceptible to accept this change in my mind and in my heart. I think that God wants me to grow. He wants me to get "it" together, and (possibly) do His work.
I have become very passionate about the Anti-Human Trafficing Movement that is going on in countries around the world. An estimated 17,000 people are trafficked into the U.S. each year for forced labor and/or sex. A case of a woman in Houston, Texas was trafficing women into the country to work in cantinas, bars, and restaurants. When caught, she was sentenced to 7 years in prison and forced to (jointly with others involved) pay $1.1 million. The co-defendants in this case were sentenced to 19 months in prison, and to jointly pay the $1.1 million. C'mon, really?? They have confiscated human life and sold it outright, and they get a fine?? This makes me sick.
Project Respect argues that the demand for trafficed women in Australia is fueled by: 1) a lack of women in Australia prepared to do prostitution; 2) 'customer' demand for women seen as compliant; 3) 'customer' demand for women who they can be violent towards; and 4) racialized ideas that Asian women have certain qualities, for example that they are more compliant and will accept higher levels of violence. (supplied by humantrafficing.org)
I worry about the effectiveness that I would have on this cause.... Okay, I worry about how working for this cause everyday would effect me. Not only mentally, but spiritually as well. I worry about this because I feel that I have grown spiritually so much in the past few years, and yet I still see things as being black and white. I see things through the eyes of a child.
I still have issues with wondering where God was when I was a child. I still ask myself the same question; the same first-grader state of mind question.... God, why do you let bad things happen to good people? I have asked several friends to answer this question for me. I have valued each of their opinions, but have found no comfort in their answers.
In dealing with this question, over and over again in my head, I wonder if God is leaving our salvation up to us. I am not able to come to a comfortable place in my heart when I start to think about this.
The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
-Psalm 37:39
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.-Psalm 18:2
I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me-Psalm 69:29
I know that God is out there, checking us all out. Loving us. Wanting what is best for us. Supporting us. Helping us to grow into His followers. Forgiving past experiences. Righting wrongs. Hearing our cries for help and embracing our praises. While I know that my journey in spiritual growth is inevitable, I am struggling with this issue. I have tried to let go and just "accept" it, but I am not able to do this.
“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”- Romans 5:6-8
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
... We're on a mission from God.
I have been on two mission trips, both to Ukraine. I loved the experience of being with people I had never met before. I loved absorbing the culture and the language, despite language barriers. I found all of it so stimulating, gratifying, amazing. I felt that my "cup" was completely full after these experiences. The more that I think about just dropping everything and moving overseas to absorb a culture that is not my own, the more excited I get. What an amazing opportunity this would be.
I have been struggling with a decision that I have been putting on the back burner for about two years now. Should I stay, or should I go??
Evergreen has been very good to me. I have been able to grow spiritually, in a way that I find non-threatening. I have never really been intimidated by the perspectives of others. I have found that most Evergreeners have been curious about my past experiences with "the church", with my questions of religion as a whole, with my atheism/agnosticism. I find this comforting that my church family wants to know more about me. I love that they get excited when I have made some kind of spiritual breakthrough. I have been spoiled.
On my past trips to Ukraine, I have accompanied a church out of Indianapolis... who I believe have a Baptist background (don't quote me on this). I think that the first year I was in Zhytomyr that I was so overwhelmed by the experience, and the Spirit of God filling my heart that I was almost selfish, in that I didn't really pay much attention to how the Ukrainians were affected by God's love or by His word.
On my trip this past summer, I opened my eyes to a lot more. The Ukrainians who have an active relationship with God (and even the non-believers) were amazing people, so full of love... non-judgemental, open to new experiences, points of view, stories of how/when others became believers. The Americans were less susceptible to grasp this opportunity. The Americans were very "you must be saved"... "you must repent to go to Heaven".
At one point, a young deaf-camper (about 13 years old) asked the leader of our mission what happens if he should die before he decided to accept Christ into his heart. The leader of our group looked this camper in the eye, and through a translator, explained that this young boy would not go to Heaven if he did not repent. Our leader went on to say that we could all go into town today and have some kind of car accident and die... and if this boy did not repent it would be sad that he could not go to Heaven. As Ukrainians tend to be very literal people, the boy was very troubled by this, and he had a tear in his eye as he walked away. I actually became physically ill just from witnessing this conversation.
Ever since this day, I have questioned the purpose of missions... long and short-term.
I am struggling with what God has in store for me at this time and in the future. I think that I am being lead to do missions. I think that I am being lead to give up everything that I know to live overseas and work with struggling communities. I am absolutely comfortable with giving up everything that I own and moving to a new place. This would not be the first time that I have done this.
I am absolutely terrified of going to a foreign country and pushing my beliefs and convictions on others. I find it insulting to the culture. I spent about half of my life as an atheist or agnostic. During this time, I had never criticized the beliefs of others, and expected the same respect. I was always open to discussion of God or Jesus, and found comfort when others wanted to know where I was coming from.
I can't fathom going to a country, where Christianity is the minority belief and trying to influence others to be "saved" or to "repent"(both are words that I despise). I don't think that God wants me, or others, to scare people into His presence. I personally think that God would find this to be completely obnoxious. Is this what would be expected of me? Am I supposed to go into another person's culture and tell them that what they have grown up to believe is completely wrong? I don't know if I can do this. Who am I to go to another's home and shatter their beliefs?
God... what do you want me to do here???
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
~The Clash
I have been struggling with a decision that I have been putting on the back burner for about two years now. Should I stay, or should I go??
Evergreen has been very good to me. I have been able to grow spiritually, in a way that I find non-threatening. I have never really been intimidated by the perspectives of others. I have found that most Evergreeners have been curious about my past experiences with "the church", with my questions of religion as a whole, with my atheism/agnosticism. I find this comforting that my church family wants to know more about me. I love that they get excited when I have made some kind of spiritual breakthrough. I have been spoiled.
On my past trips to Ukraine, I have accompanied a church out of Indianapolis... who I believe have a Baptist background (don't quote me on this). I think that the first year I was in Zhytomyr that I was so overwhelmed by the experience, and the Spirit of God filling my heart that I was almost selfish, in that I didn't really pay much attention to how the Ukrainians were affected by God's love or by His word.
On my trip this past summer, I opened my eyes to a lot more. The Ukrainians who have an active relationship with God (and even the non-believers) were amazing people, so full of love... non-judgemental, open to new experiences, points of view, stories of how/when others became believers. The Americans were less susceptible to grasp this opportunity. The Americans were very "you must be saved"... "you must repent to go to Heaven".
At one point, a young deaf-camper (about 13 years old) asked the leader of our mission what happens if he should die before he decided to accept Christ into his heart. The leader of our group looked this camper in the eye, and through a translator, explained that this young boy would not go to Heaven if he did not repent. Our leader went on to say that we could all go into town today and have some kind of car accident and die... and if this boy did not repent it would be sad that he could not go to Heaven. As Ukrainians tend to be very literal people, the boy was very troubled by this, and he had a tear in his eye as he walked away. I actually became physically ill just from witnessing this conversation.
Ever since this day, I have questioned the purpose of missions... long and short-term.
I am struggling with what God has in store for me at this time and in the future. I think that I am being lead to do missions. I think that I am being lead to give up everything that I know to live overseas and work with struggling communities. I am absolutely comfortable with giving up everything that I own and moving to a new place. This would not be the first time that I have done this.
I am absolutely terrified of going to a foreign country and pushing my beliefs and convictions on others. I find it insulting to the culture. I spent about half of my life as an atheist or agnostic. During this time, I had never criticized the beliefs of others, and expected the same respect. I was always open to discussion of God or Jesus, and found comfort when others wanted to know where I was coming from.
I can't fathom going to a country, where Christianity is the minority belief and trying to influence others to be "saved" or to "repent"(both are words that I despise). I don't think that God wants me, or others, to scare people into His presence. I personally think that God would find this to be completely obnoxious. Is this what would be expected of me? Am I supposed to go into another person's culture and tell them that what they have grown up to believe is completely wrong? I don't know if I can do this. Who am I to go to another's home and shatter their beliefs?
God... what do you want me to do here???
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
~The Clash
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Super Heroes of Prayer
I have this amazing group of women that I call "The Super Heroes of Prayer". I know that at a moments notice, I can call any one of these gals and they will drop what they are doing and pray with me or for me. I keep a list of them at my desk at work and email them about once a week. When I am feeling particularly snarky, I like to picture them flying in the air wearing fitted Superman-like outfits, but with cooler colors... they would have a cross on their chests with a big "P" over it and flowers in their hair.
2 Chronicles 6:40 "Now, my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive
to the prayers offered in this place.
Psalm 54:2 Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth.
Psalm 86:6 Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy.
James 5:13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy?
Let him sing songs of praise.
I truly consider these women my sisters. They have laughed and cried with me, and I with them. I don't know if I can ever let them know how much this truly means to me. I am in constant awe of these women, of their faith and their relationships with God. I try really hard not to compare myself with them. I try not to compare my journey with God with theirs, realizing that their journeys are so different than mine.
I hang my head, in shame, when I think of them knowing me even five years ago, as I was a completely different person before I became a believer. I was angry, depressed, promiscuous, full of despise for those different than me, and full of fear of others looking down their noses at me. I have this deep-seated fear that if they knew me in my "previous life", before I became a believer, that they would judge me, or feel that I am not fit to be around their kids.
Thank you ladies, for accepting me with open arms, hearts, souls, and spirits. Thank you for making me a part of your lives.
2 Chronicles 6:40 "Now, my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive
to the prayers offered in this place.
Psalm 54:2 Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth.
Psalm 86:6 Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy.
James 5:13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy?
Let him sing songs of praise.
I truly consider these women my sisters. They have laughed and cried with me, and I with them. I don't know if I can ever let them know how much this truly means to me. I am in constant awe of these women, of their faith and their relationships with God. I try really hard not to compare myself with them. I try not to compare my journey with God with theirs, realizing that their journeys are so different than mine.
I hang my head, in shame, when I think of them knowing me even five years ago, as I was a completely different person before I became a believer. I was angry, depressed, promiscuous, full of despise for those different than me, and full of fear of others looking down their noses at me. I have this deep-seated fear that if they knew me in my "previous life", before I became a believer, that they would judge me, or feel that I am not fit to be around their kids.
Thank you ladies, for accepting me with open arms, hearts, souls, and spirits. Thank you for making me a part of your lives.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Monkey Kung-Fu
Every week during our Journey Group, we take prayer requests. One person, who we will call Geoff, always prays for discipline. I am always completely fascinated by this. I always look at this guy who seems to have it completely together. He is married to an amazing women (0ne of the most amazing people that I have ever met), and they are completely in love with eachother. He has a great family. He is gainfully employed, loves his kids and wife, is spiritually centered, and is just an over-all nice guy. Yet, Geoff prays for discipline every week. I can't remember the last time I left his presence without wondering what he needs all of this discipline for.
Lately, I have noticed that I need to have much more discipline in my life. Last week, I took a huge step (for me), and vowed to cut some of the vulgarity out of my everyday language. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge, but the only thing that I have ever found harder to do is quit drinking coffee... keep in mind, I had 2 cups this morning.
Everytime I said one of the two designated swear words, whoever was in front of me received $1.00. People were loving this, especially my friend who received 6 of the 10 dollars that I gave away in the last week. Some thought that it was funny, constantly bringing these two words into every single converstation, waiting for me to relax enough to slip. I remained strong. I tried to laugh this off, but then realized that it wasn't really funny. I had hoped that some of these folks would support me in this, but rather ridiculed my actions. I know that they were doing it in fun, and at the time it was actually funny. It's like when you go on a diet, and someone offers you a huge piece of chocolate cake and insists that they made it just for you and then gets mad that you turn down the cake, in all of its deliciousness.
I have been trying more and more to introduce discipline into my everyday life. I smile at people that I really don't care for at work, people who have been nasty to me in the past. I am trying to cut some of the sugar out of my diet. I am wanting to join a gym, as soon as I can afford it. I am trying to find my spiritual center. I am trying to find the discipline to to "let go" and allow God to lead me, wherever He wants me to go.
Yes, my apartment is still a complete disaster area. I live an an organized-chaos that I have become comfortable in. I am hoping to adopt Geoff's desire for discipline and find the floor of my bedroom in the next few weeks.
I'm so darn glad He let me try it again,
'Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin.
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then.
Gonna keep on tryin' till I reach the highest ground.
~Stevie Wonder
Lately, I have noticed that I need to have much more discipline in my life. Last week, I took a huge step (for me), and vowed to cut some of the vulgarity out of my everyday language. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge, but the only thing that I have ever found harder to do is quit drinking coffee... keep in mind, I had 2 cups this morning.
Everytime I said one of the two designated swear words, whoever was in front of me received $1.00. People were loving this, especially my friend who received 6 of the 10 dollars that I gave away in the last week. Some thought that it was funny, constantly bringing these two words into every single converstation, waiting for me to relax enough to slip. I remained strong. I tried to laugh this off, but then realized that it wasn't really funny. I had hoped that some of these folks would support me in this, but rather ridiculed my actions. I know that they were doing it in fun, and at the time it was actually funny. It's like when you go on a diet, and someone offers you a huge piece of chocolate cake and insists that they made it just for you and then gets mad that you turn down the cake, in all of its deliciousness.
I have been trying more and more to introduce discipline into my everyday life. I smile at people that I really don't care for at work, people who have been nasty to me in the past. I am trying to cut some of the sugar out of my diet. I am wanting to join a gym, as soon as I can afford it. I am trying to find my spiritual center. I am trying to find the discipline to to "let go" and allow God to lead me, wherever He wants me to go.
Yes, my apartment is still a complete disaster area. I live an an organized-chaos that I have become comfortable in. I am hoping to adopt Geoff's desire for discipline and find the floor of my bedroom in the next few weeks.
I'm so darn glad He let me try it again,
'Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin.
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then.
Gonna keep on tryin' till I reach the highest ground.
~Stevie Wonder
Friday, April 4, 2008
Breaker 19, Jesus are you there??
In my extensive attempts to understand/comprehend/embrace/believe/navigate the Trinity (or Trilogy, as I like to call it), I think that I may have some kind of understanding of how this works. I am making no promises here.
The word comes from the Latin, "trinitas" which means three or threeness, and the word is not found in scripture. The Bible from Genesis to Revelation depicts God as being triune in nature, that He has three forms or three ways of revealing Himself!
Even though the word "Trinity" as a word is not found in the Bible, however the concept and essence is clearly stated. And the concept is one God with three conversing distinct ways to reveal Himself, "Personalities:, or "Substances". They are co-equal and co-eternal, they each have full divinity, yet are a distinct Person. We are required to give equal devotion and worship, but they are not three, but One in purpose and unity.
I am trying really hard to grasp this concept. Having faith, in knowing that this is truth is very difficult for me. After sitting down with a friend last night (poor friend) who tried diligently and extensively to get me to understand this Trinity thing, I think that we came to a solution that I finally get (I think).
So, God is like a Dispatcher... He's up there directing people and letting them know the right thing to do. Jesus is like a truck driver. He is the one that we see, with skin and blood and all that stuff who is driving around making connections to people along the way. The Holy Ghost is like the fresh fruit that the truck driver (Jesus) is delivering... He is letting us get rid of all of the moldy, icky fruit and bringing us fresh produce (this sounds so much better in my head) to enjoy, which will inevitably change our lives forever and make us healthy and happier people.
I have been trying, extensively, to have the faith that God is everywhere... In Heaven, here on Earth, and everywhere else in spirit. This is an insane amount of faith for my previously agnostically sound brain to wrap itself around. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I was told by my friend, last night, that this is a very difficult thing for most people to grasp, but for some reason I feel that people take the Trinity at face-value, because they are "expected" to. Am I the only one questioning this??
'God is a Real Estate Developer'
God is a real estate developer
with office around the nation
They say one day he'll liquidate
his holdings up on High
I say it's all speculation
He may be an absentee landlord
This may be a low rent universe
The roof may need repairs
but at last the floor is there
And the rent is not due 'til the first
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
The Lord Almighty, Limited
And his chosen elect
Site on the Up on High Development Board
quoting the bible as they hoard
The Good Book has a new look, I suspect.
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
~Michelle Shocked
The word comes from the Latin, "trinitas" which means three or threeness, and the word is not found in scripture. The Bible from Genesis to Revelation depicts God as being triune in nature, that He has three forms or three ways of revealing Himself!
Even though the word "Trinity" as a word is not found in the Bible, however the concept and essence is clearly stated. And the concept is one God with three conversing distinct ways to reveal Himself, "Personalities:, or "Substances". They are co-equal and co-eternal, they each have full divinity, yet are a distinct Person. We are required to give equal devotion and worship, but they are not three, but One in purpose and unity.
I am trying really hard to grasp this concept. Having faith, in knowing that this is truth is very difficult for me. After sitting down with a friend last night (poor friend) who tried diligently and extensively to get me to understand this Trinity thing, I think that we came to a solution that I finally get (I think).
So, God is like a Dispatcher... He's up there directing people and letting them know the right thing to do. Jesus is like a truck driver. He is the one that we see, with skin and blood and all that stuff who is driving around making connections to people along the way. The Holy Ghost is like the fresh fruit that the truck driver (Jesus) is delivering... He is letting us get rid of all of the moldy, icky fruit and bringing us fresh produce (this sounds so much better in my head) to enjoy, which will inevitably change our lives forever and make us healthy and happier people.
I have been trying, extensively, to have the faith that God is everywhere... In Heaven, here on Earth, and everywhere else in spirit. This is an insane amount of faith for my previously agnostically sound brain to wrap itself around. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I was told by my friend, last night, that this is a very difficult thing for most people to grasp, but for some reason I feel that people take the Trinity at face-value, because they are "expected" to. Am I the only one questioning this??
'God is a Real Estate Developer'
God is a real estate developer
with office around the nation
They say one day he'll liquidate
his holdings up on High
I say it's all speculation
He may be an absentee landlord
This may be a low rent universe
The roof may need repairs
but at last the floor is there
And the rent is not due 'til the first
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
The Lord Almighty, Limited
And his chosen elect
Site on the Up on High Development Board
quoting the bible as they hoard
The Good Book has a new look, I suspect.
So save one last dance for the Saviour
when that final Hail Mary is said
Life is a dance hall
That's why we've got all
those little angels dancing around with pinheads
~Michelle Shocked
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly
I go through these periods where I think that I am a "bad" person. I even had a dream last week that God was telling me that I was a bad person.
I know, deep down, that I am actually a really good person... which is really important to me. But sometimes I think to myself, "could I have done more to help that person?" or "should I have been nicer?" Of course, this is completely ridiculous. But it is always there, tucked away somewhere in the place where my self-esteem takes a dive.
I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. One of these involved my sister. We had a huge falling out, and haven't been able to come to terms as to how to get past the situation at hand. She thinks that I am still angry, or more angry... basically, something to do with anger. I don't think that she gets that the anger has completely subsided and turned to hurt. No matter how I try, I can't make her understand. She thinks that I don't love her or that I don't forgive her for hurting me (which is not the case at all). This makes me feel like a bad person.
As I am making this huge transition in my spiritual journey, the only way that I can come up with to let her know where I am at with her is to quote scripture. Yeah, I know... the world must be coming to an end, since I am quoting scripture. I hope that you still have access to your Y2K supplies.
Genesis 50:17 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 18:21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Sara, I love you. We have a lot to work out...
Erase away the traces of the times I’ve tried to save you
Maybe that was my first mistake
And curse the day I ever thought that you would come through
For me.
You have something beautiful
Something I cannot touch
And I’ve tried
And I haven’t given up till now
It’s something silent
And silence means everything when I’m left out.
I have to say, this hurts more than I thought it would
The way you let me down
In every way, this is taking longer than it should
And I thought I would be over it by now
~Erin Brown
I know, deep down, that I am actually a really good person... which is really important to me. But sometimes I think to myself, "could I have done more to help that person?" or "should I have been nicer?" Of course, this is completely ridiculous. But it is always there, tucked away somewhere in the place where my self-esteem takes a dive.
I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. One of these involved my sister. We had a huge falling out, and haven't been able to come to terms as to how to get past the situation at hand. She thinks that I am still angry, or more angry... basically, something to do with anger. I don't think that she gets that the anger has completely subsided and turned to hurt. No matter how I try, I can't make her understand. She thinks that I don't love her or that I don't forgive her for hurting me (which is not the case at all). This makes me feel like a bad person.
As I am making this huge transition in my spiritual journey, the only way that I can come up with to let her know where I am at with her is to quote scripture. Yeah, I know... the world must be coming to an end, since I am quoting scripture. I hope that you still have access to your Y2K supplies.
Genesis 50:17 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 18:21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Sara, I love you. We have a lot to work out...
Erase away the traces of the times I’ve tried to save you
Maybe that was my first mistake
And curse the day I ever thought that you would come through
For me.
You have something beautiful
Something I cannot touch
And I’ve tried
And I haven’t given up till now
It’s something silent
And silence means everything when I’m left out.
I have to say, this hurts more than I thought it would
The way you let me down
In every way, this is taking longer than it should
And I thought I would be over it by now
~Erin Brown
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
God vs. My Dog
I have been at my current job for about two and a half years now. I noticed something on my computer the other day, that I have bypassed over and over again. My company attempted to put little sayings about love on our "sign-in" page (which I found extremely strange to begin with). One of them says, "A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
I love my dog. I know that when she poops on the floor and I yell at her for it, she will still love me when she is done cowering under the bed. I know that when she won't walk in the rain because she doesn't want to get her feet wet, she will love me after I make her do it. I know that she loves me when she finds access to the garbage and shreds every piece of paper into miniscule pieces that I am still finding a week later, even when I become completely irrate at her. My dog loves me a lot. She puts up with me as much as I put up with her.
I am going somewhere with this... I promise.
Going back to my talk with Michelle this past weekend, she told me that of all of the Hindu Gods and Goddesses none of them had ever sacrificed themselves for us.... for humanity. Then we have Jesus.
Bear with me, as I am not educated in the Bible and have a good friend who is making every attempt to get me to understand the relationship between Jesus, God, and me. I am finding myself in awe that God sacrificed His son for us. I would be in awe of anyone sacrificing their son for anything. I get that this is God giving us His love... and that it's greater than the love that my dog has for me.
I just had to throw in a little something about love.
Love is gentle as a rose
And love can conquer any war
Its time to take a stand
Brothers and sisters join hands
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
Love transcends all space and time
And love can make a little child smile
Oh cant you see
This wont go wrong
But we got to be strong
We cant do it alone
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
~Lenny Kravitz
I love my dog. I know that when she poops on the floor and I yell at her for it, she will still love me when she is done cowering under the bed. I know that when she won't walk in the rain because she doesn't want to get her feet wet, she will love me after I make her do it. I know that she loves me when she finds access to the garbage and shreds every piece of paper into miniscule pieces that I am still finding a week later, even when I become completely irrate at her. My dog loves me a lot. She puts up with me as much as I put up with her.
I am going somewhere with this... I promise.
Going back to my talk with Michelle this past weekend, she told me that of all of the Hindu Gods and Goddesses none of them had ever sacrificed themselves for us.... for humanity. Then we have Jesus.
Bear with me, as I am not educated in the Bible and have a good friend who is making every attempt to get me to understand the relationship between Jesus, God, and me. I am finding myself in awe that God sacrificed His son for us. I would be in awe of anyone sacrificing their son for anything. I get that this is God giving us His love... and that it's greater than the love that my dog has for me.
I just had to throw in a little something about love.
Love is gentle as a rose
And love can conquer any war
Its time to take a stand
Brothers and sisters join hands
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
Love transcends all space and time
And love can make a little child smile
Oh cant you see
This wont go wrong
But we got to be strong
We cant do it alone
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
~Lenny Kravitz
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Dodging Bullets
So, I decided to call a friend from Iowa yesterday. We went to school together, and now she is living back up north with a flourishing Chiropractic Office. I called her because she recently went through the same spiritual journey that I did. We did our partying in Iowa, we did a lot that we probably shouldn't have done... because it's Iowa and there really wasn't much else to do there.
She asked me if I had been baptized yet. (I love dodging this question. I am discovering new and amazing ways to change the subject.) "No, Jamie. I haven't been baptized yet. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I was baptized now." She asked why. I explained to her that the concept of there being a Father, Son, and a Holy Spirit is an extremely scary and mysterious thing to me. I get the Father, I (kinda) get the Holy Spirit... The Son and I have some issues that we are trying to work out. (I realize that this is the reverse of what most people experience.) Until I am able to piece this puzzle together, I can't be open to a baptism.
I am going to have to take the risk of upsetting some people with the rest of this blog. I hope that you will understand.
My mom divorced my father when I was four. She married her second husband when I was five. Neither of these men were happy to have me (or my brother) around. There was abuse from both of these marriages, a combination of physical, mental, and emotional. We were a very "church on the corner" family. Whatever church was closest to the house is the one that we went to. I remember being in Sunday school... doing projects like making crosses out of construction paper and gluing macaroni to it, drawing pictures of Heaven, writing letters to God like He was Santa Claus.
I remember being told, "God will answer your prayers". So, I prayed. I did the whole kneeling by the side of the bed with perfect posture and folded hands. I did the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember asking God to protect us, to keep us safe. My father was emotionally abusive, which didn't really affect us until later in life. But my mother's second husband was physically and mentally abusive. "God, please get us out of this." "God, please protect us." I didn't understand how my letters to Santa were answered on Christmas morning, but my prayers to God went completely ignored.
Years later, after my mother divorced her second husband, I decided to explore the various aspects of religion. The area I grew up in was primarily Catholic and Jewish. My friends used to joke that I was Jewish by association, as I would celebrate Passover and Hanukkah with their families. I explored various religions looking for the answers to my question. Where was God? How can He ignore His children when the need Him to protect them? Basically, I was told that I should never ask these questions because "He is everywhere". But where?? How could all of you feel and see Him, but I was completely lost? I still don't get this, to this day.
I have a good friend who I love to tell that God lives in her head, and it would be nice if she would let Him out to visit with the rest of us every once in a while. I have been making this horrible joke with her for about two years now. One day, I finally got it.... He doesn't live in her head, He lives in her heart. I finally got that when I am at my most calm, He is with me. My breathing changes, I relax. My head is clear of any negativity. He is in my heart.
I am coming out of my fear of baptism. I am not ready to whole-heartedly accept a baptism, but I am opening up about it. Although, I have a friend who sneak-attack baptized me with rainwater from a railing at Evergreen's new building. I guess I was the first baptism at our new home.
I think that there is a part of me that still feels abandoned, when I think of praying as a child. Parts of me still wonder "why??" Why were we abused on so many levels? Why did He let us endure these awful things? I still can't answer these questions.
Lead me out into the valley
Through the waters of the deep stream that swallow me whole
Lead me out into the depths of the darkness
When I have to face this pain and anguish
Be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out into mainstream
More ravenous than dogs
Lead me out into this big dream
More tidal than the ocean and scarier to cross
And be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
You gotta be good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out through this temptation
Cuz I know I will fail if I face it alone
Lead me out through the choices I’m making
Through all of the chances I’m thinking ‘bout taking
Be good to my heart
Because I want things that I know that I don’t want in my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t get this.
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
Because I am not good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I can change this.
Lead me out through this big inevitable, questionable variable
Because I’ve been thinking a lot about how
Much this will hurt if it all crashes down
Now I’m on a tightrope with no net
If this doesn’t work out, I’ve got nothing.
Gonna stick with this path that you’ve chosen
Because it’s the best thing, all that I’m saying
Is be good to my heart
Cuz no one’s gonna be good to it if you’re not
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that you get this
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that You're gonna be good to my heart.
~Erin Brown
She asked me if I had been baptized yet. (I love dodging this question. I am discovering new and amazing ways to change the subject.) "No, Jamie. I haven't been baptized yet. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I was baptized now." She asked why. I explained to her that the concept of there being a Father, Son, and a Holy Spirit is an extremely scary and mysterious thing to me. I get the Father, I (kinda) get the Holy Spirit... The Son and I have some issues that we are trying to work out. (I realize that this is the reverse of what most people experience.) Until I am able to piece this puzzle together, I can't be open to a baptism.
I am going to have to take the risk of upsetting some people with the rest of this blog. I hope that you will understand.
My mom divorced my father when I was four. She married her second husband when I was five. Neither of these men were happy to have me (or my brother) around. There was abuse from both of these marriages, a combination of physical, mental, and emotional. We were a very "church on the corner" family. Whatever church was closest to the house is the one that we went to. I remember being in Sunday school... doing projects like making crosses out of construction paper and gluing macaroni to it, drawing pictures of Heaven, writing letters to God like He was Santa Claus.
I remember being told, "God will answer your prayers". So, I prayed. I did the whole kneeling by the side of the bed with perfect posture and folded hands. I did the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember asking God to protect us, to keep us safe. My father was emotionally abusive, which didn't really affect us until later in life. But my mother's second husband was physically and mentally abusive. "God, please get us out of this." "God, please protect us." I didn't understand how my letters to Santa were answered on Christmas morning, but my prayers to God went completely ignored.
Years later, after my mother divorced her second husband, I decided to explore the various aspects of religion. The area I grew up in was primarily Catholic and Jewish. My friends used to joke that I was Jewish by association, as I would celebrate Passover and Hanukkah with their families. I explored various religions looking for the answers to my question. Where was God? How can He ignore His children when the need Him to protect them? Basically, I was told that I should never ask these questions because "He is everywhere". But where?? How could all of you feel and see Him, but I was completely lost? I still don't get this, to this day.
I have a good friend who I love to tell that God lives in her head, and it would be nice if she would let Him out to visit with the rest of us every once in a while. I have been making this horrible joke with her for about two years now. One day, I finally got it.... He doesn't live in her head, He lives in her heart. I finally got that when I am at my most calm, He is with me. My breathing changes, I relax. My head is clear of any negativity. He is in my heart.
I am coming out of my fear of baptism. I am not ready to whole-heartedly accept a baptism, but I am opening up about it. Although, I have a friend who sneak-attack baptized me with rainwater from a railing at Evergreen's new building. I guess I was the first baptism at our new home.
I think that there is a part of me that still feels abandoned, when I think of praying as a child. Parts of me still wonder "why??" Why were we abused on so many levels? Why did He let us endure these awful things? I still can't answer these questions.
Lead me out into the valley
Through the waters of the deep stream that swallow me whole
Lead me out into the depths of the darkness
When I have to face this pain and anguish
Be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out into mainstream
More ravenous than dogs
Lead me out into this big dream
More tidal than the ocean and scarier to cross
And be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
You gotta be good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out through this temptation
Cuz I know I will fail if I face it alone
Lead me out through the choices I’m making
Through all of the chances I’m thinking ‘bout taking
Be good to my heart
Because I want things that I know that I don’t want in my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t get this.
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
Because I am not good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I can change this.
Lead me out through this big inevitable, questionable variable
Because I’ve been thinking a lot about how
Much this will hurt if it all crashes down
Now I’m on a tightrope with no net
If this doesn’t work out, I’ve got nothing.
Gonna stick with this path that you’ve chosen
Because it’s the best thing, all that I’m saying
Is be good to my heart
Cuz no one’s gonna be good to it if you’re not
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that you get this
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that You're gonna be good to my heart.
~Erin Brown
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
