Grasping At Straws

I feel like I am in so far over my head, that I can barely breathe. I have been trying to deal with Chab Dai, this amazing organization that works with (what feels like) 150 other organizations, but doesn't do any actual placement of their own. So, basically, I have to research all of these organizations to figure out where I will fit the best. I have been at New World for an hour and a half and have managed to be in the same place I was when I got here. This research is getting me nowhere.

So, what is the problem with research? I will totally admit to being a research geek. I love it. I get completely stimulated at the potential of learning something new. Here's the problem. Some of these websites are only in Khmar (Cambodian), and some are only in Thai. A lot of these websites don't give an English alternative link. This is incredibly frustrating. At the same time, I find it comforting that the rest of the world is not adapting to the "Americanized" standard of the internet, the media, and the world. I am glad to see that this information is out there in Khmar and Thai... I just wish that I knew either Khmar or Thai so that I can see if these organizations would be a good match for me.

I am mentally exhausted, and since I have given myself until Christmas of this year to come up with some kind of a plan... I am starting to feel some pressure. I can't seem to get rid of the headache that seems to worsen everytime I sit down to work on this project. I know that the headaches are a combination of the pressure that I am putting myself under and feeling complete helpless.

I know what area of social justice I want to work in... at least, I have an idea of what I would do. Honestly, I will be happy to be doing anything useful, anywhere, with anyone. I feel like a giant loser admitting that I want to feel needed in some way, shape, or form. The more I read, the more helpless I feel. Story after story after story about women rescued from brothels in the Red Light Districts of major Asian cities. Kids being saved from manual labor slaves shops, with bruises and burns on their bodies. Attempts to reintegrate young girls and women into society, after they have lived as sex slaves since a young age. Rescue of children, who are sold as sex slaves to men and women who travel from all over the world to take advantage of a child. How does one recover from these experiences? How does a person let this stuff go?? Once again, I find myself wondering if I am strong enough to help survivors attempt to live "normal" lives. Would I be able to?

Could you understand a child

When he cries in Pain

Could you give him all he needs

Or do you feel the same

All along

You've been told you're wrong

When you felt it right

And you're left to fight

The Hurting

~Tears for Fears

I find myself either in tears, or on the verge of tears everyday that I do my research. I wonder if I am emotionally strong enough for this life... Am I strong enough to help these people? I am going to bed and praying with lingering nausea at the thought of disgusting men attempting to force themselves on ten year old girls, some even younger. I pray for these girls... for all of the children, women, and men who endure these events. I want God to take them to an oasis somewhere, to let them live in peace. I would happily give up whatever I have to make just one of these people feel safe.

Psalm 10
1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims.
9 He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and never sees."
12 Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, "He won't call me to account"?
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim ommits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out.
16 The LORD is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land.
17 You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,

18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

I feel guilty for the life that I have... for the "privilege" of being born an American. This is not the first time that I have had this feeling. I couldn't grocery shop for three weeks after my first trip to Zhytomyr. I had a hard time driving my car. We bitch and moan about so much... and look at all that we have!! We complain about gas prices, and milk prices. We complain that tomatoes are almost $4.00 per pound. We live in our air conditioned houses and apartments. We drive our cars. We cruise through the grocery store and bitch about how much a frozen pizza costs. The more that I think about this, the more sickened I become in myself. We have so much, and we take most or all of it for granted.

I want to simplify so badly. I want to strip everything down to the bare essentials. I love the idea of living in the simplest manner possible. No cars, no cell phones, no computers, no microwaves or TV. Have you seen the movie Into The Wild? I love the idea of living this way, but wonder if I am a strong enough person to do it. I don't think that I could do it alone, as I consistently crave conversation, stimulation from others, hugs from friends.

I am completely enthralled and amazed at the work that the Oasis organizations do. They are so on the ball with all of their stuff... the training that they enforce is amazing, they make sure that their volunteers are healthy, both mentally and physically. After meeting with Elaine and Alicia last night, I have decided that if the Southeast Asian organizations don't pan out, that I will go with OasisUK and find a placement in either India, Bengladesh, or Africa. Use these experiences to the best of my abilities, and perhaps find my way to Southeast Asia at a later date. Basically, I need to hold all other organizations up to the standards of OasisUK/India.

The Bain of Technology

As one of my new goals, I have been diligently researching this cause that I have become sucked into. Sadly, I don't see light at the end of the tunnel for human-trafficing. I made a promise to myself that I would do one really thorough investigation of a topic each day. This morning I decided to research human-trafficing in the U.S.

I encourage you to check out the story at the link below, which describes how women and children are being put up for sale, in the U.S. on Craigslist. http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/children-for-sale-on-craigslist.html

Sex trafficing has become an epidemic of ridiculous proportions, world wide. Not only are men, women, and children being forced from families (sometimes by the actual family) to go into slavery and prostitution; but now the internet has made such trades even easier.

My interest in getting involved with the folks who reintegrate freed trafficees back into society has become even stronger. I will be sure to post warning signs of trafficing in a future blog.

I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.~Leviticus 26:13

Globe Trottin'

For those of you who have been following, I woke up in a great mood today. I slept well, despite my head cold... which I believe is beginning to subside. YAY!! And I think that my grumpiness is going on hiatus now, so double-yay!!

We had the first unofficial gathering of the "I'm going to push you to do what you keep talking about" (or the Deal With Your Stuff) club yesterday. I had kind of a break through regarding stuff that needs to be considered. A great lady named Laura contacted me from OasisUK with tons of information and organizations (State-side) to contact. Which I did, and spoke with Paul at OasisUSA in Pasadena. Paul told me that unless I am fluent in Mandarin (cuz who isn't??) that there is not a lot of actual "getting your hands dirty" work stateside. Mostly, in the U.S. they do traffic awareness. I think that I have already been doing this, but I am determined to keep at it and make folks aware of what is going on around the world.

Isaiah 49:1-4 "listen to me, all you in distant lands! Pay attention, all you who are far away! The Lord called me before my birth; from within the womb he called me by name. He made my words of judgement as sharp as a sword. He has hidden me in the shadow of his hand. I am like a sharp arrow in his quiver. He said to me, 'you are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory.' I replied, 'But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord's hand; I will trust God for my reward.'"

I am completely torn on where to go and what to do. I am hearing "a call" to definitely work in some kind of social justice area (yes, Alicia... I can't believe that I admitted it either)... but I don't know where or with who. I worry about being supported doing this kind of work, rather than missionary work. Both have such an appeal to me. But, I hate the idea of having to evangelize, and I don't think that trying to influence others to follow God's plan is my place.

The world needs so much. For some reason, I feel like I need to touch all of it... and I can't. I am one person. I think that one of my main problems is that I have too much passion. Can this actually be a bad thing? There are so many options. I have no idea of where to start. I worry about making a bad decision, but at the same time I wonder how doing this kind of work anywhere for any amount of time could be bad. Brazil, Cambodia, Peru, India, Ukraine, Bangladesh... all of these places need assistance with reintegration of women and children into society from human trafficing. God, where do you want me?? I need a direction so that I can start learning languages!! The more I think about it, the more I feel completely overwhelmed.

To learn more information on human trafficing, please check out these websites and read the survival stories: http://www.oasisuk.org/ and http://www.stopthetraffik.org/

Freedom, give it to me
That's what I want now
Freedom, that's what I need now
Freedom to live
Freedom, so I can give
~Jimi Hendrix

LankEB and I went to see Jason Adamo play last night with his band. If you haven't heard him, I highly recommend that you check him out. He has a CD coming out next month, I am very excited about this. He's a super nice guy, and not bad to look at either (the guys he plays with are supercute too). Last night was the first night that I got to hear him play all of his own music. This was so exciting to me. Lil'EB and I met this guy about a month ago, and have seen him play a few times in various places. But he always seems to do covers and tries to work in his own stuff, so this was quite a treat. You can hear his music at www.myspace.com/jasonadamo

Mumbai vs. Hell

I have been doing my homework on what Oasis India and OasisUK do. How they help the world at large. I am completely enthralled with this organization. It seems that I may have some traveling, and purpose, in my future endeavors. EXCITING!!! Check them out: http://www.oasisindia.org/ and http://www.oasisuk.org/

I decided to head down to Barnes & Nobles the other day to do some light reading about India, particularly Mumbai. It turns out that the year round temperature of Mumbai is equivalent to the year round temperature of Hell, but with 10,000% more humidity. I hate heat. I think that even more than I hate heat, I despise humidity to a degree that is almost ridiculous. Humidity is not my friend. The thought of living in year round heat and humidity is absolutely ridiculous to me. But, I still want to go. What's up with that?? Have I mentioned that I hate humidity??

I got to have a nice long talk with Michelle (missionary who lives in India) yesterday. I told her about my fears of giving up this life that I have become so comfortable in. She understood everything that I had said to her. I just love this chick. I talked to her about her position at the Life Center and about living in India. She lives in a village about 2 1/2 hours away from Mumbai. So, apparently the humidity isn't as bad because she is more in the mountains. (Oh, the glimmer of hope is shining through)

I have been doing a lot of praying about what I would like to do with my life. I am 34 years old, and I feel as if I have not lived a life of purpose at all. I am kind of just going through the motions of living. I am thrusting my efforts, passion, energy, and love into the lives of others around me. I get something out of this, but they won't need/want me around forever.

It would be so easy for me to go to India and work with kids. For some reason children have always been drawn to me. Perhaps, because I am like a big kid myself. Or the fact that I don't talk down to them, I just treat them like really short grown-ups. I don't know why, but doing something easy is not appealing to me at all. I want a challenge. I want to have to earn the trust and love of others. I want to know that I am making a difference. I can always fall back on the kid thing. There will always be kids somewhere needing something.

Delving deeper into what I am considering a challenge, I have been doing a lot of research on the Anti-Trafficing Movement in various countries. Ironically, the Oasis India project doesn't have positions posted on their website, that I have been able to pin-point. While talking to Michelle, I realized that there is a huge need for "rehabbing" women... giving them a leg-up into a society that has kept them down. I love this idea. I am passionate about this idea.

Doing the prayer thing like I didn't even know I could.

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morrisette

Oasis

Okay, I should really consider doing actual work while I am at work sometime.

I decided to do some research today, on OasisUK, the organization that Divya (from Oasis India) referred me to. WOW!!! I am seeing potential for myself here. What a concept!! The positions are listed by country. I have found 4 countries, so far, with Anti-Trafficing Research positions available. Has anyone ever been to Brazil??

I am kind of freaking out here a little bit. There are so many opportunities available, and I had absolutely no idea. Some of these positions are looking for coverage as soon as September of this year!! Holy crap.

Wow... is that a light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel??

... We're on a mission from God.

I have been on two mission trips, both to Ukraine. I loved the experience of being with people I had never met before. I loved absorbing the culture and the language, despite language barriers. I found all of it so stimulating, gratifying, amazing. I felt that my "cup" was completely full after these experiences. The more that I think about just dropping everything and moving overseas to absorb a culture that is not my own, the more excited I get. What an amazing opportunity this would be.

I have been struggling with a decision that I have been putting on the back burner for about two years now. Should I stay, or should I go??

Evergreen has been very good to me. I have been able to grow spiritually, in a way that I find non-threatening. I have never really been intimidated by the perspectives of others. I have found that most Evergreeners have been curious about my past experiences with "the church", with my questions of religion as a whole, with my atheism/agnosticism. I find this comforting that my church family wants to know more about me. I love that they get excited when I have made some kind of spiritual breakthrough. I have been spoiled.

On my past trips to Ukraine, I have accompanied a church out of Indianapolis... who I believe have a Baptist background (don't quote me on this). I think that the first year I was in Zhytomyr that I was so overwhelmed by the experience, and the Spirit of God filling my heart that I was almost selfish, in that I didn't really pay much attention to how the Ukrainians were affected by God's love or by His word.

On my trip this past summer, I opened my eyes to a lot more. The Ukrainians who have an active relationship with God (and even the non-believers) were amazing people, so full of love... non-judgemental, open to new experiences, points of view, stories of how/when others became believers. The Americans were less susceptible to grasp this opportunity. The Americans were very "you must be saved"... "you must repent to go to Heaven".

At one point, a young deaf-camper (about 13 years old) asked the leader of our mission what happens if he should die before he decided to accept Christ into his heart. The leader of our group looked this camper in the eye, and through a translator, explained that this young boy would not go to Heaven if he did not repent. Our leader went on to say that we could all go into town today and have some kind of car accident and die... and if this boy did not repent it would be sad that he could not go to Heaven. As Ukrainians tend to be very literal people, the boy was very troubled by this, and he had a tear in his eye as he walked away. I actually became physically ill just from witnessing this conversation.

Ever since this day, I have questioned the purpose of missions... long and short-term.

I am struggling with what God has in store for me at this time and in the future. I think that I am being lead to do missions. I think that I am being lead to give up everything that I know to live overseas and work with struggling communities. I am absolutely comfortable with giving up everything that I own and moving to a new place. This would not be the first time that I have done this.

I am absolutely terrified of going to a foreign country and pushing my beliefs and convictions on others. I find it insulting to the culture. I spent about half of my life as an atheist or agnostic. During this time, I had never criticized the beliefs of others, and expected the same respect. I was always open to discussion of God or Jesus, and found comfort when others wanted to know where I was coming from.

I can't fathom going to a country, where Christianity is the minority belief and trying to influence others to be "saved" or to "repent"(both are words that I despise). I don't think that God wants me, or others, to scare people into His presence. I personally think that God would find this to be completely obnoxious. Is this what would be expected of me? Am I supposed to go into another person's culture and tell them that what they have grown up to believe is completely wrong? I don't know if I can do this. Who am I to go to another's home and shatter their beliefs?

God... what do you want me to do here???

This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
~The Clash