So, I decided to call a friend from Iowa yesterday. We went to school together, and now she is living back up north with a flourishing Chiropractic Office. I called her because she recently went through the same spiritual journey that I did. We did our partying in Iowa, we did a lot that we probably shouldn't have done... because it's Iowa and there really wasn't much else to do there.
She asked me if I had been baptized yet. (I love dodging this question. I am discovering new and amazing ways to change the subject.) "No, Jamie. I haven't been baptized yet. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I was baptized now." She asked why. I explained to her that the concept of there being a Father, Son, and a Holy Spirit is an extremely scary and mysterious thing to me. I get the Father, I (kinda) get the Holy Spirit... The Son and I have some issues that we are trying to work out. (I realize that this is the reverse of what most people experience.) Until I am able to piece this puzzle together, I can't be open to a baptism.
I am going to have to take the risk of upsetting some people with the rest of this blog. I hope that you will understand.
My mom divorced my father when I was four. She married her second husband when I was five. Neither of these men were happy to have me (or my brother) around. There was abuse from both of these marriages, a combination of physical, mental, and emotional. We were a very "church on the corner" family. Whatever church was closest to the house is the one that we went to. I remember being in Sunday school... doing projects like making crosses out of construction paper and gluing macaroni to it, drawing pictures of Heaven, writing letters to God like He was Santa Claus.
I remember being told, "God will answer your prayers". So, I prayed. I did the whole kneeling by the side of the bed with perfect posture and folded hands. I did the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." I remember asking God to protect us, to keep us safe. My father was emotionally abusive, which didn't really affect us until later in life. But my mother's second husband was physically and mentally abusive. "God, please get us out of this." "God, please protect us." I didn't understand how my letters to Santa were answered on Christmas morning, but my prayers to God went completely ignored.
Years later, after my mother divorced her second husband, I decided to explore the various aspects of religion. The area I grew up in was primarily Catholic and Jewish. My friends used to joke that I was Jewish by association, as I would celebrate Passover and Hanukkah with their families. I explored various religions looking for the answers to my question. Where was God? How can He ignore His children when the need Him to protect them? Basically, I was told that I should never ask these questions because "He is everywhere". But where?? How could all of you feel and see Him, but I was completely lost? I still don't get this, to this day.
I have a good friend who I love to tell that God lives in her head, and it would be nice if she would let Him out to visit with the rest of us every once in a while. I have been making this horrible joke with her for about two years now. One day, I finally got it.... He doesn't live in her head, He lives in her heart. I finally got that when I am at my most calm, He is with me. My breathing changes, I relax. My head is clear of any negativity. He is in my heart.
I am coming out of my fear of baptism. I am not ready to whole-heartedly accept a baptism, but I am opening up about it. Although, I have a friend who sneak-attack baptized me with rainwater from a railing at Evergreen's new building. I guess I was the first baptism at our new home.
I think that there is a part of me that still feels abandoned, when I think of praying as a child. Parts of me still wonder "why??" Why were we abused on so many levels? Why did He let us endure these awful things? I still can't answer these questions.
Lead me out into the valley
Through the waters of the deep stream that swallow me whole
Lead me out into the depths of the darkness
When I have to face this pain and anguish
Be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out into mainstream
More ravenous than dogs
Lead me out into this big dream
More tidal than the ocean and scarier to cross
And be good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
You gotta be good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t trust this.
Lead me out through this temptation
Cuz I know I will fail if I face it alone
Lead me out through the choices I’m making
Through all of the chances I’m thinking ‘bout taking
Be good to my heart
Because I want things that I know that I don’t want in my heart
Show me all of the ways I don’t get this.
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not
Because I am not good to my heart
Show me all of the ways I can change this.
Lead me out through this big inevitable, questionable variable
Because I’ve been thinking a lot about how
Much this will hurt if it all crashes down
Now I’m on a tightrope with no net
If this doesn’t work out, I’ve got nothing.
Gonna stick with this path that you’ve chosen
Because it’s the best thing, all that I’m saying
Is be good to my heart
Cuz no one’s gonna be good to it if you’re not
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that you get this
Good to my heart
Good in all the ways that I am not, you gotta be
Good to my heart
Show me all of the ways that You're gonna be good to my heart.
~Erin Brown
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3 comments:
So I found this entry interesting on many levels. I think it's fantastic that you're struggling with the concept of the Trinity. For centuries people have labeled it as God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Spirit. We have created this structure and associated God with the Good and assumed that he could have no part in anything Bad or Evil. By associating God as such, this being now tends to operate on a transcendent and superior level to ourselves. One theologian suggests that the Trinity is RELATIONSHIPS, that the Trinity is all in the universe, that it represents both multiplicity and unity at the same time. Therefore, we ourselves are the Trinity and are a part of the Trinity. Evil in a sense can be part of the Trinity because we ourselves manifest evil. No longer is evil something outside ourselves that just HAPPENED because of Adam and Eve. Evil is within ourselves, just as the powers of love and creativity are.
Wow, I wrote a book. All that to say though I just think it's great you're thinking about this because many people accept the Trinity at face value, with its archaic language and the paternalistic Christianity that it used to support.
Elaine will probably kick my ass for writing this comment, bc it probably makes no theological sense.
First - if you don't stop writing posts that make me cry, I'm never reading this again! ;)
Second - Morgan, I think that the language we use for the Trinity is patriarchal. I think we can do much better than Father Son and Spirit. What about Father, Son, and Mother? What about parent, child, and love? Creator, Redeemer, Giver of Life?
And nobody really understands the Trinity or Jesus. The best that theologians can do is to describe what they AREN'T. So we're all in good company.
As for Jesus and all that: a lot of people think that the main purpose of the Holy Spirit is to guide people to Jesus. So keep on doing what you're doing. The Spirit is a cool chick - she'll lead you to the truth.
I love that my little experience has charged a theological debate with you guys!!!
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