I have been on two mission trips, both to Ukraine. I loved the experience of being with people I had never met before. I loved absorbing the culture and the language, despite language barriers. I found all of it so stimulating, gratifying, amazing. I felt that my "cup" was completely full after these experiences. The more that I think about just dropping everything and moving overseas to absorb a culture that is not my own, the more excited I get. What an amazing opportunity this would be.
I have been struggling with a decision that I have been putting on the back burner for about two years now. Should I stay, or should I go??
Evergreen has been very good to me. I have been able to grow spiritually, in a way that I find non-threatening. I have never really been intimidated by the perspectives of others. I have found that most Evergreeners have been curious about my past experiences with "the church", with my questions of religion as a whole, with my atheism/agnosticism. I find this comforting that my church family wants to know more about me. I love that they get excited when I have made some kind of spiritual breakthrough. I have been spoiled.
On my past trips to Ukraine, I have accompanied a church out of Indianapolis... who I believe have a Baptist background (don't quote me on this). I think that the first year I was in Zhytomyr that I was so overwhelmed by the experience, and the Spirit of God filling my heart that I was almost selfish, in that I didn't really pay much attention to how the Ukrainians were affected by God's love or by His word.
On my trip this past summer, I opened my eyes to a lot more. The Ukrainians who have an active relationship with God (and even the non-believers) were amazing people, so full of love... non-judgemental, open to new experiences, points of view, stories of how/when others became believers. The Americans were less susceptible to grasp this opportunity. The Americans were very "you must be saved"... "you must repent to go to Heaven".
At one point, a young deaf-camper (about 13 years old) asked the leader of our mission what happens if he should die before he decided to accept Christ into his heart. The leader of our group looked this camper in the eye, and through a translator, explained that this young boy would not go to Heaven if he did not repent. Our leader went on to say that we could all go into town today and have some kind of car accident and die... and if this boy did not repent it would be sad that he could not go to Heaven. As Ukrainians tend to be very literal people, the boy was very troubled by this, and he had a tear in his eye as he walked away. I actually became physically ill just from witnessing this conversation.
Ever since this day, I have questioned the purpose of missions... long and short-term.
I am struggling with what God has in store for me at this time and in the future. I think that I am being lead to do missions. I think that I am being lead to give up everything that I know to live overseas and work with struggling communities. I am absolutely comfortable with giving up everything that I own and moving to a new place. This would not be the first time that I have done this.
I am absolutely terrified of going to a foreign country and pushing my beliefs and convictions on others. I find it insulting to the culture. I spent about half of my life as an atheist or agnostic. During this time, I had never criticized the beliefs of others, and expected the same respect. I was always open to discussion of God or Jesus, and found comfort when others wanted to know where I was coming from.
I can't fathom going to a country, where Christianity is the minority belief and trying to influence others to be "saved" or to "repent"(both are words that I despise). I don't think that God wants me, or others, to scare people into His presence. I personally think that God would find this to be completely obnoxious. Is this what would be expected of me? Am I supposed to go into another person's culture and tell them that what they have grown up to believe is completely wrong? I don't know if I can do this. Who am I to go to another's home and shatter their beliefs?
God... what do you want me to do here???
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
~The Clash
I have been struggling with a decision that I have been putting on the back burner for about two years now. Should I stay, or should I go??
Evergreen has been very good to me. I have been able to grow spiritually, in a way that I find non-threatening. I have never really been intimidated by the perspectives of others. I have found that most Evergreeners have been curious about my past experiences with "the church", with my questions of religion as a whole, with my atheism/agnosticism. I find this comforting that my church family wants to know more about me. I love that they get excited when I have made some kind of spiritual breakthrough. I have been spoiled.
On my past trips to Ukraine, I have accompanied a church out of Indianapolis... who I believe have a Baptist background (don't quote me on this). I think that the first year I was in Zhytomyr that I was so overwhelmed by the experience, and the Spirit of God filling my heart that I was almost selfish, in that I didn't really pay much attention to how the Ukrainians were affected by God's love or by His word.
On my trip this past summer, I opened my eyes to a lot more. The Ukrainians who have an active relationship with God (and even the non-believers) were amazing people, so full of love... non-judgemental, open to new experiences, points of view, stories of how/when others became believers. The Americans were less susceptible to grasp this opportunity. The Americans were very "you must be saved"... "you must repent to go to Heaven".
At one point, a young deaf-camper (about 13 years old) asked the leader of our mission what happens if he should die before he decided to accept Christ into his heart. The leader of our group looked this camper in the eye, and through a translator, explained that this young boy would not go to Heaven if he did not repent. Our leader went on to say that we could all go into town today and have some kind of car accident and die... and if this boy did not repent it would be sad that he could not go to Heaven. As Ukrainians tend to be very literal people, the boy was very troubled by this, and he had a tear in his eye as he walked away. I actually became physically ill just from witnessing this conversation.
Ever since this day, I have questioned the purpose of missions... long and short-term.
I am struggling with what God has in store for me at this time and in the future. I think that I am being lead to do missions. I think that I am being lead to give up everything that I know to live overseas and work with struggling communities. I am absolutely comfortable with giving up everything that I own and moving to a new place. This would not be the first time that I have done this.
I am absolutely terrified of going to a foreign country and pushing my beliefs and convictions on others. I find it insulting to the culture. I spent about half of my life as an atheist or agnostic. During this time, I had never criticized the beliefs of others, and expected the same respect. I was always open to discussion of God or Jesus, and found comfort when others wanted to know where I was coming from.
I can't fathom going to a country, where Christianity is the minority belief and trying to influence others to be "saved" or to "repent"(both are words that I despise). I don't think that God wants me, or others, to scare people into His presence. I personally think that God would find this to be completely obnoxious. Is this what would be expected of me? Am I supposed to go into another person's culture and tell them that what they have grown up to believe is completely wrong? I don't know if I can do this. Who am I to go to another's home and shatter their beliefs?
God... what do you want me to do here???
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
~The Clash
3 comments:
so, I know what you don't want to do overseas. What DO you want to do? What would be the purpose of leaving everything behind and moving to another country? Remember michelles story: when she didn't like the way things were going at her first assignment, she partnered with a different group. That was possible because she knew what she wanted to do.
So, aside from learning about a new culture, what would you do? What would you bring to those you meet?
I'll tell you up front, there will be a lot of missionaries exactly like the one who made you sick in Ukraine. So how will your message and approach differ? You can be a different kind of missonary: different in what way is up to you!
I love that you are up this early reading my blog... you rock sister.
"What do you want to do?" seems to be the question of my life. I know that I want to embrace local communities. I am pretty sure that I want to be involved with the anti-human trafficing movement. Is it bad to worry that God has me more on a political path than spiritual... or can they be the same??
Kerry you bring up very good questions and I suggest you continue to ask them. Elaine also asks very good questions to you to ponder. I have got another question for you to be asking. Begin to ask God What He is doing and how you can be involved in what He is doing. I am excited to travel this journey with you.
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