Forgive Me Friends, For I Have Sinned

It's funny how you discover who your true friends are.

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I have learned in the past five months who I can and can't trust. I was surprised to find that the people that I thought that I could trust... who I could call my TRUE friends (those I referred to as family), were not the people that I had originally thought that they were. In this, I have found people who love me more than I could have imagined.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have felt spiritually stifled, and wasn't able to figure out why. I had given up on prayer for a few weeks. I would do it if it was expected, or in the company of those who felt the need for prayer, but other than that I just wasn't in the mood. I realized that I felt guilty about praying because I was hanging onto the "sins" of my past. (Please note that I absolutely hate the word "sin", but find it necessary in the context of this blog.) I couldn't bring myself to ask God for support or strength. I wasn't finding the peace that I had been feeling when I walked in the wind, which is usually when I feel God at my side. I would go to bed at night and find myself trying to sort out my past and my future. In this, I wondered how I would be able to serve God having made the mistakes that I had made. These things just wouldn't go away.

And my decision was made. I had to confess my "sins". I had already confessed to God, and I realized that He already knew all of my secrets. But, I didn't feel as if He had forgiven me. This is when I went to my friends... my sisters who have shown me nothing but love.

I sent an email to three of my sisters. Those who have proven to love me no matter what. Those who have literally dropped everything for me on more than one occasion. I needed to know that my sisters could forgive me. I needed to know this so that I could forgive myself and move on with my life. I spent two days constructing my thoughts. Two days of crying and re-living things that I had worked toward putting behind me and wasn't able to. Two days... I had to put it all out there. I had to get it out into the world and risk being judged by my friends. I had to let them know what kind of person I used to be. The person that they know now is not the same Kerry as five years ago.

And with this, I was forgiven.

I love you exactly as much as I did before I knew all this.
You are forgiven for the (insert "sin" here).
You are forgiven for your (insert "sin" here).
You are forgiven for (insert "sin" here).
God forgives you for all of this and everything else.
This is your past, not your future.
love,
lankEb

I need to remember this. I need to remember that I am loved not only by these amazing women, but have been forgiven by them and by God... I need to remember this so that I can forgive myself and move on with my life.

Oh my God how you make it hard
Not to pick the apple
Pick the apple
And Lord I long to give it back

And I was on shakey land
Lost and unsure I opened my hand
And she held it like sinking sand

And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home's anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please

All, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home's anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
~Missy Higgins

Alicia, Elaine, and Erin... thank you for being in my life. I don't know how I could make it without you.