If you have any kind of problem with me complaining about my immediate family, you might not want to read this blog... as this is all about my family.
Hey God, please forgive me for any ugliness that may come out of this blog. It's not intentional, but I need to get my feelings out there. I have learned that I can't keep them bottled up. Thanks.
I try to keep my family issues out of the blog, but I need to vent. I feel justified in writing this today, because everyone knows that I am upset and I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells about this. I am super irritated at my sister and my mother today. It's true that my sister and I have this "on again/off again", "love/hate" relationship with each other. We each know that we care about each other, but sometimes it doesn't manifest itself as such.
To make a long story short, I ended up going to the hospital the other day for what we thought was a problem with my heart. It turns out that everything is fine, as of today. I feel fine, I am not in any pain or worried about it at this point. I have to follow up with my regular doctor next week, but for now there is nothing to worry about.
When I was deciding to go to the emergency room, I called Alicia and my sister... actually, Alicia called me and it was just really good timing. I went to the emergency room, and Alicia showed up about a half-hour later, after she dropped her kids off at school. Sara showed up about an hour after I got there... which was fine. She came into the room in a whirl-wind. I had wires and patches all over my chest and hand, they had drawn blood, and I had an oxygen thingy up my nose. She asked how I was feeling, and gave me a hug. She was obviously stressed. Alicia told her that we didn't know what was going on yet... as she basically spoke as my representative for that day since I was kind of out of it.
Sara was there for about eight minutes... total. She looked at me lying in the hospital bed and said, "this is just not a good time for me". I don't think that I will ever forget these words. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her that it was okay for her to go, because I wasn't going to argue with her in the hospital. I was speechless when she left... and that doesn't happen too often. To make it better, Alicia was also speechless (which also never happens).
My sister, Sara, left me in the emergency room because she was having a bad day at work. I guess that it was a good thing that I wasn't bleeding from my head or having a stroke, or dying. "...Not a good time for me..."
Yesterday, I sent an email to Sara telling her how upset the whole situation made me. This morning, my mother called to tell me that Sara was having a bad day at work and I should let it go.
I'm sorry that my potential heart attack was in the way of Sara's work day!! I'm sorry that mom feels that Sara's job is more important than mine. I'm sorry that my health issue was in inconvenience for you all.
Are you serious?? Really?? C'mon, mom!!!
Alicia called my bosses to let them know of my condition and that I would not be returning to work that day. Alicia sat there with me and made me laugh so that I wouldn't cry. Alicia called my friends to let them know what was going on. Alicia babysat me all day long, made sure my car got home, made sure that I had some place to lay down because the medication that they gave me was making me lethargic and stupid and had to remind me at least six times what the doctor said my condition was called. Alicia took care of me. Thanks, Alicia.
I have been praying non-stop since I was dropped off at home the other night. I have been trying to figure out where, when, and how things went wrong with Sara. Could this be some kind of bizarre manifestation of our childhood? How does this happen? I want to give up completely. I am tired of being hurt by my relationships with different family members. I don't think that I am strong enough for it.
'Cause so many times you've come to me cry-crying
trying to stop. you said it hurts so bad
But please don't let you
go back for more
My little sister is a Zombie in a body
with no soul in a role she has learned to play
in a world today where nothing else matters
but it matters, we gotta start feeding our souls
Not our addiction or afflictions of pain
to avoid the same questions we must
ask ourselves to get any answers
We gotta start feeding our souls
~Jewel
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