I'm worried.
My brother and his wife came to visit this weekend. Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I had hoped to. Anyhow, I explained my plans to travel abroad... and of course, I was asked, "why would you want to do that?" and "Are you ever coming back?"
I have tried to explain my plans to travel abroad to several of my non-Evergreen friends. A lot of these responses have been so negative, that I am just opting to not say anything anymore about my plans to these folks. I am tired of negativity from others, as I am able to create my own negativity.
This is what I have gotten so far:
"You can't do that!"
"Why would you want to do that?"
"Are you insane?"
"Like, permanently?"
"You're nuts."
"You aren't going anywhere!"
"Yeah, okay. I will believe it when I see it."
Apparenlty, my history of being a "non-finisher" has captivated an audience. Namely, my family. I am worried that they are right.
A few months ago I started to get rid of some stuff. I am making an attempt to simplify my life. I have always tried to keep my life pretty simple. Almost everything that I have was given to me, which is amazing. I never really had a lot of stuff. I never wanted a lot of stuff. I really hate stuff. Tonight I gave my sister-in-law some jewelry to save for my niece. My grandmother left me some jewelry, and I want Kassidy to have it some day. I also recently found a ring that my mom gave me the Christmas before I turned 10. I asked her to put them away for Kass and to let her know that I wanted her to have them someday.
I am worried.
What if I am actually able to pull this off. What if by next Chrismas (2009) I am able to find my way across the ocean, able to get involved with the work that I have always wanted to do, find myself a comfortable place in a foreign city, able to make friends, find a church situation that I am comfortable with. What if I can pull this off? Me... the non-finisher.
I want this all to work out more than anything. I know that this is work that I can do, and I can do it well. I know that this is what I was meant to do. So, what is my dilemma? Why haven't I done this already?
I have some things to finish. I have relationships that I feel need mending. What if I go and something happens to me? I am entering into a world that could be potentially dangerous... what if I am hurt or killed? For some reason this doesn't scare me, as much as it will if I leave things unfinished... things unsaid.
I want to be successful. Not in the typical manner of "success". I want to do well. I want to do something really, really well. Something that nobody else that I know would dream of doing. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be that cool aunt that lives overseas and has the crazy, exotic life in a foreign city. I want my niece to grow up and know that I was able to help others. I want her to think that the world is less of a mess because I wanted to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually involved in saving it. I want to make a difference.
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1 comment:
I am proud of you right now, and that's based on what you have done, not on your future plans.
People always challenge dreams. When you stand out, you expose yourself to that sort of crap. Because the fact of you doing it is convicting to everyone else - if you go and change the world, what excuse do they have left for their own inaction?
We are much more afraid of our own light and success than of our own darkness and failure.
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