Old Dogs

This morning I came to the realization that by April of next year I have to find homes for my animals. I am saying April because this is when my lease is up on the apartment and I don't know where I will be living. This made me cry a little. I know that I can't take them with me. Well, technically I probably can take them with me, but I wouldn't know what to do with them in London during training. I love my animals. I am starting to freak out a little over what to do with them. This is hitting me this week, as I am deciding what to do with a lot of the unused stuff laying around my apartment.

I have started to rack my brain over what to do with them. I know that Hugo will most likely go live in Asheville with Bonnie. We have an unspoken agreement. Bonnie went on a cross-country trip that lasted about two years and left me her cats about 9 years ago. I am, however, worried about what is going to happen to Chloe. She is an old dog, she just turned 10. She is starting to show her age. Small dogs tend to live to be approximately 15 years old. This means that by the time I get back from India, she may be dead. Yeah, I know that this is a morbid thought, but it's reality.

I am really hoping that family will take Chloe into their homes, or that she can live with Bonnie. At least then she will be with Hugo. And Bonnie's husband is a stay-at-home dad, so she won't be alone for long periods of time.

A New Name & New Face

I figured that it was time to change the name and face of my blog, since I have found the purpose of my spiritual journey. My journey of spiritual clarification has been clarified. I have found my way... and here I am paving the path to where I am meant to go. It's an exciting time in my life.

"Whenever you're sad, things aren't working out for you, look around, see if there's someone else in trouble, go and help them. And I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, your problems will be solved." ~Guru Gil

This week I have officially let the cat out of the bag in regards to my intention to leave the country next year. With the exception of work (because of office politics BS), I am letting everyone know my intention. Yesterday alone, I received two negative responses. Neither of these responses was a surprise to me. Today, however, made up for this. I have emailed a bunch of people to ask for support. A good friend from high school emailed me her support and said that she has a passion for the human trafficing cause. This made me feel so much better. I am getting mixed reactions from people. From complete and utter amazement at my 'bravery', to absolute disgust that I would take on the problems of another country instead of staying in the U.S. to help our own problems.

I admit that I am not a patriotic person. I actually despise patriotism. I think that because of this, I look at the problems of other countries as the world's problems. Not America's problems... not India's problems... not Ukraine's problems. OUR PROBLEMS. The world's problems are humanity's problems. It's closed-minded judgement, like this, that causes racism. This leads me to another reaction that I received. "You are going to live with the terrorists." This made me want to vomit.

I am trying to get past the naivete of others. My attempts to let these terrible things roll off of my back, is basically failing. I get super defensive. I want to lash out and correct the stupidity that oozes out of their mouths. It's exhausting.

Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you my hear your servant cursing you--for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others. ~Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

Side note: I have opened a savings account and made a plea to friends and family to collect gold to sell for my trip. So far, I've got nothing. I am keeping my hopes up.

Compelling... Isn't It?

22 And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. 23 I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. 24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. ~Acts 20:22-24

com·pel-- to force or drive, esp. to a course of action

When the above verse from Acts was posted onto the screen this morning, I took a deep breath. Today I felt like the message was about my life. I made the decision to allow faith to drive me, and today I feel like God was speaking directly to me for the first time in my life.

Thanks God.

I'm having a hard time explaining to people outside of my immediate support system my purpose in going to India. I am disappointed in the reactions that I am getting outside of the Evergreen Community. Yes, I am compelled to go to India. But, I also believe that I am being called to serve in India. This is seriously exciting as I feel that for the first time in my life, I am living in a truly unselfish state, and letting God lead me in the direction that I am heading for.

My next project... trying to fund raise for my trip.

Journey's End?? NEVER!!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

My internal debate over whether or not I am a Christian has finally come to an end. I spoke to Ed today, we had a really great discussion about what "Christian" means. I admitted that I am completely hung up on the label. I stated that my biggest problem with Christianity is that people take it at face value (this isn't my issue with just Christianity, but with religion in

general). I have a really hard time believing that someone can take something so complex and make it into something simplistic. This would be the cynic in me. So, why haven't I been baptized? Simply, I was afraid of being a hypocrite. I was so afraid of not truly letting Christ into my life. Am I still having a hard time with this? Yes. I think that to some degree, I may always have this internal debate. But I think that it's more intellectual then emotional.

I asked Ed how I would know that it's time to be baptized. I guess that there is not a definitive answer to this question. Apparently, there is a point that people get to where being baptized is "acceptable" (I use this word for lack of a better one). I was told that I had crossed this point a long time ago.

So here I am. Accepting Christ. Calling myself a Christ-follower (as another friend likes

to call herself), rather than a Christian. I believe in the teachings of Christ. I embrace these teachings. I have a great relationship with God. I love this relationship, and I have worked really hard on this relationship. I am embracing my faith. I am embracing my growth and proud of the journey that I have been on for the past three years. Therefore, I will be baptized at Evergreen this fall.

If I could tell the world just one thing

It would be that we're all OK

And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful

And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless

I won't be idle with despair

I will gather myself around my faith

For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

~Jewel

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

I am giving up negativity for Lent. Yeah, I know that it's not Lent season. But why not??

The past few days have been really stressful. I have had a lot going on with various people in my life. My family is completely stressing me out. My roommate situation is stressing me out. I need to make it all go away, at least the negative parts of it.

So, I'm going to give a trial to "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." It's a very third-grade philosophy, but I think that as adults we forget that we epitomize negativity and turn it into this monster that takes on a life of it's own.

I am getting it from every direction. Right now, it's my mom trying to change my mind about going to India. She is worried about my safety, which is completely understandable. But now she is bargaining with me to try to convince me to stay in the country. It's just not going to work.

If I make it through the week without being negative, I will be very pleased with myself.

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple. ~Job 5:2