I Can See Clearly Now...

So many people are going through massive changes in their lives right now. We all seem to be searching for clarity, or a "rebirth" of some kind. A new life?? A new environment?? A new world?? It all seems feasible, but so difficult at the same time.

I hung out with Craig last night (who by the way has incredibly beautiful eyes--haha!!), and we both seem to be going through the same thing. We are both trying to make these life altering decisions right now. We have both, seemingly, "wasted" about 10 years of our lives doing what we thought was easy to us. Looking back, my choices were not easy at all. I think that it would have been easier to do what I actually wanted to do. Last night's conversation with Craig was not the first that I had had regarding this desire to make changes. I am finding that lots of folks are going through this same kind of mental anguish... looking for that "something else".

We went to see Baby Mama last night. The first 10 minutes of the movie is Tina Fey's view of the world... she sees babies everywhere. They are in line in front of her at the coffee place, they are sitting around a table in a boardroom at her job. Her thing is that she is 37, and feels that her time has come to start a family. She feels that she has put it off long enough and NOW is the time. This was me one year ago... this was me six months ago.

Last year was the year of baby for a lot of people in my life. I was involved in the lives of eight couples who had babies between January and December. Eight babies. EIGHT!! This drove me crazy. I wanted a baby so badly that I could almost taste it (not the actual baby). One friend even accused me of being angry with her for being pregnant. I was so excited for all of these people. And I was in a relationship where I was convinced that my time was coming. It was just a matter of time for me. I would have the marriage and the kids and everything would be okay. Soon, I would have the family that I had been wanting for years.

Of course, God has a sense of humor.

per·spec·tive –noun
1. the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship
2. the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship
3. a mental view or prospect

Now, marriage, kids, and building a family is the furthest thing from my mind. I think that I admitted this out loud last night for the very first time. I don't want to date. I don't want to think about dating. I don't want to think about marriage or having kids. All of these things are distractions to me. I am tired of being distracted. For the first time in my life, I feel free. I feel like I am doing for me. I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I don't deal with anyone that I don't want to deal with. It's refreshing.

clar·i·ty –noun
clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

Everything seems so clear now. Which, of course, makes me believe that this desire to live my life the way that I am has always been there. I have been covering this path with other things. I was doing what I thought family and friends and society wanted me to do. I was settling.

And so I have decided to concentrate on heading toward Cambodia by the end of next year. The human trafficing problem is greater in Cambodia than any place in the world. I just can't sit back, knowing that I have the abilities to help someone and do absolutely nothing. (I think that this is why I volunteer for so much stuff.) God has been so good to me in the past few years, and I can't pretend that the world, outside of this country, isn't suffering.

So hold this feeling like a newborn

Of freedom surging through your veins

You have opened up a new door

So bring on the wind, fire and rain

~Missy Higgins

Does anyone know of a good Cambodian language tutor??