Grasping At Straws

I feel like I am in so far over my head, that I can barely breathe. I have been trying to deal with Chab Dai, this amazing organization that works with (what feels like) 150 other organizations, but doesn't do any actual placement of their own. So, basically, I have to research all of these organizations to figure out where I will fit the best. I have been at New World for an hour and a half and have managed to be in the same place I was when I got here. This research is getting me nowhere.

So, what is the problem with research? I will totally admit to being a research geek. I love it. I get completely stimulated at the potential of learning something new. Here's the problem. Some of these websites are only in Khmar (Cambodian), and some are only in Thai. A lot of these websites don't give an English alternative link. This is incredibly frustrating. At the same time, I find it comforting that the rest of the world is not adapting to the "Americanized" standard of the internet, the media, and the world. I am glad to see that this information is out there in Khmar and Thai... I just wish that I knew either Khmar or Thai so that I can see if these organizations would be a good match for me.

I am mentally exhausted, and since I have given myself until Christmas of this year to come up with some kind of a plan... I am starting to feel some pressure. I can't seem to get rid of the headache that seems to worsen everytime I sit down to work on this project. I know that the headaches are a combination of the pressure that I am putting myself under and feeling complete helpless.

I know what area of social justice I want to work in... at least, I have an idea of what I would do. Honestly, I will be happy to be doing anything useful, anywhere, with anyone. I feel like a giant loser admitting that I want to feel needed in some way, shape, or form. The more I read, the more helpless I feel. Story after story after story about women rescued from brothels in the Red Light Districts of major Asian cities. Kids being saved from manual labor slaves shops, with bruises and burns on their bodies. Attempts to reintegrate young girls and women into society, after they have lived as sex slaves since a young age. Rescue of children, who are sold as sex slaves to men and women who travel from all over the world to take advantage of a child. How does one recover from these experiences? How does a person let this stuff go?? Once again, I find myself wondering if I am strong enough to help survivors attempt to live "normal" lives. Would I be able to?

Could you understand a child

When he cries in Pain

Could you give him all he needs

Or do you feel the same

All along

You've been told you're wrong

When you felt it right

And you're left to fight

The Hurting

~Tears for Fears

I find myself either in tears, or on the verge of tears everyday that I do my research. I wonder if I am emotionally strong enough for this life... Am I strong enough to help these people? I am going to bed and praying with lingering nausea at the thought of disgusting men attempting to force themselves on ten year old girls, some even younger. I pray for these girls... for all of the children, women, and men who endure these events. I want God to take them to an oasis somewhere, to let them live in peace. I would happily give up whatever I have to make just one of these people feel safe.

Psalm 10
1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims.
9 He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and never sees."
12 Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, "He won't call me to account"?
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim ommits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out.
16 The LORD is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land.
17 You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,

18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

I feel guilty for the life that I have... for the "privilege" of being born an American. This is not the first time that I have had this feeling. I couldn't grocery shop for three weeks after my first trip to Zhytomyr. I had a hard time driving my car. We bitch and moan about so much... and look at all that we have!! We complain about gas prices, and milk prices. We complain that tomatoes are almost $4.00 per pound. We live in our air conditioned houses and apartments. We drive our cars. We cruise through the grocery store and bitch about how much a frozen pizza costs. The more that I think about this, the more sickened I become in myself. We have so much, and we take most or all of it for granted.

I want to simplify so badly. I want to strip everything down to the bare essentials. I love the idea of living in the simplest manner possible. No cars, no cell phones, no computers, no microwaves or TV. Have you seen the movie Into The Wild? I love the idea of living this way, but wonder if I am a strong enough person to do it. I don't think that I could do it alone, as I consistently crave conversation, stimulation from others, hugs from friends.

I am completely enthralled and amazed at the work that the Oasis organizations do. They are so on the ball with all of their stuff... the training that they enforce is amazing, they make sure that their volunteers are healthy, both mentally and physically. After meeting with Elaine and Alicia last night, I have decided that if the Southeast Asian organizations don't pan out, that I will go with OasisUK and find a placement in either India, Bengladesh, or Africa. Use these experiences to the best of my abilities, and perhaps find my way to Southeast Asia at a later date. Basically, I need to hold all other organizations up to the standards of OasisUK/India.