A Bunch Of Random Stuff

The great people at Mission To Ukraine (MTU) asked me to help get donations to fill a trailer to send to Zhytomyr. They have given me until September of this year. After a second pilgrimage to MTU last July, I was honored to do whatever I could do to help support this amazing organization.

I had a year... a whole year. I badgered (lovingly) folks that I know to ask for donations after Christmas, when people are usually purging old stuff for new. I asked the folks who construct the "Journey" weekly email to put blurbs in occasionally regarding donations. I sent almost 30 letters to local churches, asking for donations... I feel that this last effort was a waste of time and money, as I sent these letters over 4 months ago and have yet to hear from one single church. (This is tremendously disappointing.) I feel kind of like a failure, in that I have only managed to acquire enough donations to fill almost 1/4 of my trailer.

I am being faced with several challenges lately. Donations for Ukraine is just one of these challenges. Above the normal financial and spiritual challenges, I am facing some challenges with folks that I know at work and church. I have been trying to put challenges with people on the back burner. Tonight I realized that I may not be able to put other peoples ignorances and comments aside any longer. I want to take the higher road... Act like the "grown-up" in these situations, but I am having a really hard time of this.

There was a time when I could lose my temper at the drop of a hat. I am happy to say that I have definitely done some growing in the past 5 or 6 years, and I have adopted the "I'm a lover, not a fighter" mentality.

Tonight someone challenged the morals of a friend of mine. Since she is a tough-ass, she held her own and made her point with grace. When I was challenged with a decision that I made for spiritual reasons, I was told that my reasoning was stupid. I further explained that my spiritual reason was also a personal mission of sacrifice... This was supposedly an okay excuse. This person is not someone that I consider a friend. Even further, this person challenges me on one thing or another as often as possible. I truly believe that this person gets some kind of twisted satisfaction out of upsetting me. This really hurts my feelings.

I realize that I can't be friends with everyone. I really don't find it necessary to be friends with everyone. I have come to discover that I can't possibly get along with everyone, and that's okay. I am totally okay with this fact. I just want to know that if we are not going to be friends, that we can be civil to each other and not treat each other like crap. Not challenge every single thing that comes out of the other's mouth. Treat each other with an iota of respect. I don't think that this is asking too much.

I hate my job. I mean, I really REALLY hate my job. I have been having dreams about quitting... the physical act of writing my resignation letter, handing it to my boss and watching him scurry over to my manger's office to complain about how he will have to train someone new to take my place. I have dreamt of packing my little copier paper box with the belongings that I have acquired over the past few years. I have thought of what to do with the giant plant that is on my desk, which was left for me when a prior co-worker left. I swore that I would take care of it, and I have kept my promise. I can actually picture my last day of work. I will either sleep in and not show up at all, or bring cupcakes. I haven't decided yet. I will probably bring cupcakes, because I don't want to disrespect my bosses by not showing up. It hasn't always been a bad place to work... it's actually not a bad place to work. I think that I am becoming more and more aware that my time at these jobs is coming to an end. This is great. I am developing a plan for the next few years of my life. Knowing what lies ahead for me, knowing that I get to "get out of Dodge", keeps me upbeat.

I have started to re-evaluate every single relationship that I have with every single person that I know. THIS is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have spent the past 3 years of my life cleaning out my friendship closet. The folks that have only negative things to say, or the people who consistently make me feel bad about myself. This was one of the smartest things that I have ever done. I have become a stronger person for this. At first, I felt really bad about doing this. It didn't happen overnight. Last week, one of these people made an attempt to get back in with me. I am not sure of how I feel about this yet. I don't really know what to do with her. She and I have made plans to meet for dinner, which I will follow through with. But at the same time, I almost wish that I didn't have to meet with her.

Today, I asked my boss at my part time job if we could stop using products made by Nestle. I want to do my part to end the slave labor that tends to go hand-in-hand with Nestle products, especially chocolate. At first, my co-workers made light of the subject. I was then told that they didn't care about slave labor in other countries. I tried to explain that children were being forced into labor assignments for little pay and food, are often malnourished, beaten, or killed due to the aggressions of those in charge. These situations were compared to having a kid do chores. This made me physically ill, and I was very close to walking out on my job and never going back. The ignorance of Americans is amazing. I like to call it the Ostrich Theory. "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist."

Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life

I woke up in a super-mushy mood this morning. I must need a hug or something.

"A new friendship is like an unripened fruit - it may become either an orange or a lemon"~Emma Stacey

"The death of a friend is equivalent to the loss of a limb."~German Proverb

"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me"~Chasing Amy (movie)

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers."~Persian Proverb

"When you're standing at the crossroads And don't know which path to choose, Let me come along cause even if you're wrong I'll stand by you" ~The Pretenders

"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead."~Chinese Proverb

"I never had better friends than the friends I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" ~Stand By Me (movie)

"Friends are the siblings God forgot to give us."~Unknown

Let me tell you about my work friend. When she came to work in my department (that I have since left), we got to be really good friends, really fast. It was kind of crazy. You know how everyone has that one friend (or in my case three) that they can be mean to, or call names, or basically abuse? This girl is/was one of those friends. We used to get together once a week for dinner, we would talk and laugh and cause trouble. It was so fun, and by far the highlight of my week. There was a time when we both let our guard down, and evil (yes, evil) came around and manipulated us. We were both mortified and humiliated, and basically gave each other about two years of space to recover from this.

It's been a long two years, but not that long. She has since gotten married to this really great guy and had a beautiful baby girl. I had been in a really great relationship, and have found the path that God wants me to take. It's kind of amazing what kind of growth a person experiences in two years. We have reconnected recently. And I find myself in awe of what an amazing woman she has become. She has gone from an angry, frustrated girl to a strong, loving woman who is determined that she is going to have a good life for herself and her daughter. I really admire this about her.

Side note: It's funny how you see the people around you achieving things that you thought you once wanted... I wonder if I would do marriage and kids with this much grace. I have a hard time sitting still, and I am not sure that I wouldn't get bored. Of course, marriage and kids are what I wanted when I thought that I was going to be in a relationship where marriage and kids were inevitable. Now... eh.

Another good friend of mine is moving away tomorrow. She got this really great job, and I don't think that I realized how much I was going to miss her until we started making dinner plans for tonight.

Anyhow, I just wanted to give thanks for my friends today... new and old. You guys have been there for me a lot in the past few months. I wanted you to know that I love you, and that I thank God for you everyday.

Settin' Goals

After some frustration, complaining, sleepless nights, wondering, self-annoyance, and general avoidance of the subject... I have set some goals. Again!!

1) I have until August 31st to decide what organization to go with for future travels. Since the Chab Dai thing is looking kind of sketchy, I am planning to research as many organizations as possible. If I can't find anything promising in South East Asia, I am going to go with OasisUK, and hopefully be placed in India, Bengaladesh, or Africa... and THEN plan to work in South East Asia at a later time. I just think that this is the most logical thing to do right now, for the sake of my sanity.

2) I have between September 1st through December 31st to fill out applications, submit resumes, build up some cash to put in the Bank of Bayless toward my trip to London (or wherever) for training.

3) I need to get my butt off of the couch and go running or whatever. I need a workout buddy. My apartment has a small, crappy gym... but I think that I might invest in that $10/month gym since there is one close to my apartment.

4) I want to make a hardcore attempt at a 5K next year, hopefully the one close to Cedar Point so that I can crash the trip. I haven't been on a roller coaster in about 10 years, and that is just wrong. This will be the motivation, before I leave to go to a country where there is a chance that they have never heard of a roller coaster.

5) Because I don't have nearly enough to do (chuckle-snort), I want to get involved with the middle school night at Evergreen, at least once or twice a month. They don't have enough adult estrogen there, which bothers me.

6) I need to take an entire day and clean my bedroom. This will include getting rid of all of the Ukraine stuff crammed into the corner. Going through the dirty clothes, and actually washing them. Going through the clean pile of clothes that lives on my floor and putting them in a place where I can't see them or trip over them. Putting shoes in the closet. Vacuuming and steam cleaning the carpet. I may have to take a day off of work for this.

7) I want to save about $1000 by this time next year toward my trip. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a ton of money to me. Bank of Bayless, here I come.

8) Purge, purge, purge... I need to get rid of stuff that I have been stashing away that I never use. Example: I have 2 computers in my bedroom closet. One of them works. Why do I have them if only one of them works?? Excellent question. They are heavy and awkward and I haven't had the determination or desire to drag them out to get rid of them, and I am not sure of what to do with them.

9) I have several knitting projects that I have started and haven't finished. Two of these are for babies that will be born in the next month or two. So, yeah... I need to get these done.

10) I need to visit my family in Florida. I haven't been to visit since Thanksgiving, and I am completely missing my niece growing up. Here is a picture of her on the swings.

11) I want to get more involved with my covenant group. We have been kind of slack, but I think that we are now trying to get on the ball with sticking with some goal setting and accountability. Yay for us.

Oh... The Cookies of Deliciousness!!

Okay, I have perfected the Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe:

1 cup vegan margarine

1 cup brown sugar

Equivalent to 1 egg of vegan egg replacement (I used Ener-G Egg Replacement)

2 tsp. pure vanilla extract

~~beat until well mixed

THEN:

1 tsp. baking soda

1/4 tsp. salt

2 cups unbleached flour

~~mix to the above wet ingredients

THEN:

12 oz. vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips (Ghiradelli or Trader Joe's)

1 to 1 1/4 cups sweetened (by cane juice) coconut flakes or shavings (I bought the Kroger brand)

~~fold into the batter (try to not eat the batter, as it is super tasty)

Bake at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes, or until the tops are just browning (or however you like your cookies)

This makes about 3 dozen, good sized cookies.

Vegans everywhere will love you for making these.

If you decide to toast your coconut, let me know how it comes out... that is my next project.

P.S. They probably won't look like the picture. I just stole that picture from the internet to get you excited. Did it work??

They Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." ~Edmund Burke


I am reading this really interesting book called Good News About Injustice, by Gary Haugen. In case you are not aware of who Gary Haugen is, he is the guy who founded International Justice Mission. I highly recommend that if you have any interest, whatsoever, in any kind of humanitarian acts that you check out the website http://www.ijm.org/. IJM does amazing work all over the world. I got into bed about 20 minutes ago, to read. This book talks about the different ways that Christians get involved with humanitarian activism. I read this passage, and hopped out of bed to blog it before the excitement wore off.

The battle for justice in the world is not fought where we think it is. The struggle against injustice is not fought on the battlefield of power or truth or even righteousness. There are pitched battles waged on these ramparts, but the war is ultimately won or lost on a more forward front. In the end the battle against oppression stands or falls on the battlefield of hope.

No one knows this better than the oppressors. They know that they never have enough power, lies or loyalty to withstand the onslaught of even a fraction of the power, truth, and courage that humanity could at any minute amass against them. Therefore they rely on, utterly depend on, the inaction of despair. They know full well that that their preeminence depends on most people in their community, their nation and their world doing nothing.

The oppressor knows that the primary reason we do nothing is because we have lost any hope of making a difference. It is not that we lack power, compassion, courage or knowledge. Rather, we lack a sense of hope that allows us to take what we have into the fray. By sheer inertia, therefore, we lend our own weight to the downward cycle of despair. Our lack of hope keeps us from the front lines of engagement. And our absence only makes the oppressor look stronger, compounding our despair and that of those who might otherwise be prepared to fight.

(Deep sigh) I am relieved to have found this in print somewhere, as these are the thoughts that I have kept in my head but have been unable to express. Oppression is everywhere. It lurks around every dark corner. It's a disease that seemingly has no cure. Humanitarian organizations all over the world are attempting to crush this despair that the world has built up. Good people, amazing people are making hardcore attempts everyday to seize, rescue, educate, and guide those left in despair. I am so proud to want to be one of these people... but at the same time, feel helpless in the place that I am. I so desperately want to be involved, to "save the world" as a good friend recently told me that I would be doing.

From Raleigh, North Carolina, I feel that there is not much that I can do except make others aware of what I am learning everyday. I hope that others find themselves as appalled as I do and want to get involved. There is so much to do. There are so many people that need our help. Look at what we have as Americans. Look at the luxuries that we have been given, just by chance. We could have easily been born in any other part of the world. We could have easily been born in India, and been sold to a brothel at the age of 8 or 10. We could have been born in Bengladesh, and have to worry about extreme poverty. We could have been born in the Sudan, and have to deal with consistent war.

We have everything. We have "the world" at our fingertips. Put yourself in the shoes of citizens of these countries. Realize how lucky you are. Ask God why He chose you to live in such amazing conditions. Thank Him for this privilege.

Grasping At Straws

I feel like I am in so far over my head, that I can barely breathe. I have been trying to deal with Chab Dai, this amazing organization that works with (what feels like) 150 other organizations, but doesn't do any actual placement of their own. So, basically, I have to research all of these organizations to figure out where I will fit the best. I have been at New World for an hour and a half and have managed to be in the same place I was when I got here. This research is getting me nowhere.

So, what is the problem with research? I will totally admit to being a research geek. I love it. I get completely stimulated at the potential of learning something new. Here's the problem. Some of these websites are only in Khmar (Cambodian), and some are only in Thai. A lot of these websites don't give an English alternative link. This is incredibly frustrating. At the same time, I find it comforting that the rest of the world is not adapting to the "Americanized" standard of the internet, the media, and the world. I am glad to see that this information is out there in Khmar and Thai... I just wish that I knew either Khmar or Thai so that I can see if these organizations would be a good match for me.

I am mentally exhausted, and since I have given myself until Christmas of this year to come up with some kind of a plan... I am starting to feel some pressure. I can't seem to get rid of the headache that seems to worsen everytime I sit down to work on this project. I know that the headaches are a combination of the pressure that I am putting myself under and feeling complete helpless.

I know what area of social justice I want to work in... at least, I have an idea of what I would do. Honestly, I will be happy to be doing anything useful, anywhere, with anyone. I feel like a giant loser admitting that I want to feel needed in some way, shape, or form. The more I read, the more helpless I feel. Story after story after story about women rescued from brothels in the Red Light Districts of major Asian cities. Kids being saved from manual labor slaves shops, with bruises and burns on their bodies. Attempts to reintegrate young girls and women into society, after they have lived as sex slaves since a young age. Rescue of children, who are sold as sex slaves to men and women who travel from all over the world to take advantage of a child. How does one recover from these experiences? How does a person let this stuff go?? Once again, I find myself wondering if I am strong enough to help survivors attempt to live "normal" lives. Would I be able to?

Could you understand a child

When he cries in Pain

Could you give him all he needs

Or do you feel the same

All along

You've been told you're wrong

When you felt it right

And you're left to fight

The Hurting

~Tears for Fears

I find myself either in tears, or on the verge of tears everyday that I do my research. I wonder if I am emotionally strong enough for this life... Am I strong enough to help these people? I am going to bed and praying with lingering nausea at the thought of disgusting men attempting to force themselves on ten year old girls, some even younger. I pray for these girls... for all of the children, women, and men who endure these events. I want God to take them to an oasis somewhere, to let them live in peace. I would happily give up whatever I have to make just one of these people feel safe.

Psalm 10
1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims.
9 He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and never sees."
12 Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, "He won't call me to account"?
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim ommits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out.
16 The LORD is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land.
17 You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,

18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

I feel guilty for the life that I have... for the "privilege" of being born an American. This is not the first time that I have had this feeling. I couldn't grocery shop for three weeks after my first trip to Zhytomyr. I had a hard time driving my car. We bitch and moan about so much... and look at all that we have!! We complain about gas prices, and milk prices. We complain that tomatoes are almost $4.00 per pound. We live in our air conditioned houses and apartments. We drive our cars. We cruise through the grocery store and bitch about how much a frozen pizza costs. The more that I think about this, the more sickened I become in myself. We have so much, and we take most or all of it for granted.

I want to simplify so badly. I want to strip everything down to the bare essentials. I love the idea of living in the simplest manner possible. No cars, no cell phones, no computers, no microwaves or TV. Have you seen the movie Into The Wild? I love the idea of living this way, but wonder if I am a strong enough person to do it. I don't think that I could do it alone, as I consistently crave conversation, stimulation from others, hugs from friends.

I am completely enthralled and amazed at the work that the Oasis organizations do. They are so on the ball with all of their stuff... the training that they enforce is amazing, they make sure that their volunteers are healthy, both mentally and physically. After meeting with Elaine and Alicia last night, I have decided that if the Southeast Asian organizations don't pan out, that I will go with OasisUK and find a placement in either India, Bengladesh, or Africa. Use these experiences to the best of my abilities, and perhaps find my way to Southeast Asia at a later date. Basically, I need to hold all other organizations up to the standards of OasisUK/India.

I Think I Can... I Think I Can

I'm worried.

My brother and his wife came to visit this weekend. Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I had hoped to. Anyhow, I explained my plans to travel abroad... and of course, I was asked, "why would you want to do that?" and "Are you ever coming back?"

I have tried to explain my plans to travel abroad to several of my non-Evergreen friends. A lot of these responses have been so negative, that I am just opting to not say anything anymore about my plans to these folks. I am tired of negativity from others, as I am able to create my own negativity.

This is what I have gotten so far:

"You can't do that!"

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Are you insane?"

"Like, permanently?"

"You're nuts."

"You aren't going anywhere!"

"Yeah, okay. I will believe it when I see it."

Apparenlty, my history of being a "non-finisher" has captivated an audience. Namely, my family. I am worried that they are right.

A few months ago I started to get rid of some stuff. I am making an attempt to simplify my life. I have always tried to keep my life pretty simple. Almost everything that I have was given to me, which is amazing. I never really had a lot of stuff. I never wanted a lot of stuff. I really hate stuff. Tonight I gave my sister-in-law some jewelry to save for my niece. My grandmother left me some jewelry, and I want Kassidy to have it some day. I also recently found a ring that my mom gave me the Christmas before I turned 10. I asked her to put them away for Kass and to let her know that I wanted her to have them someday.

I am worried.

What if I am actually able to pull this off. What if by next Chrismas (2009) I am able to find my way across the ocean, able to get involved with the work that I have always wanted to do, find myself a comfortable place in a foreign city, able to make friends, find a church situation that I am comfortable with. What if I can pull this off? Me... the non-finisher.

I want this all to work out more than anything. I know that this is work that I can do, and I can do it well. I know that this is what I was meant to do. So, what is my dilemma? Why haven't I done this already?

I have some things to finish. I have relationships that I feel need mending. What if I go and something happens to me? I am entering into a world that could be potentially dangerous... what if I am hurt or killed? For some reason this doesn't scare me, as much as it will if I leave things unfinished... things unsaid.

I want to be successful. Not in the typical manner of "success". I want to do well. I want to do something really, really well. Something that nobody else that I know would dream of doing. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be that cool aunt that lives overseas and has the crazy, exotic life in a foreign city. I want my niece to grow up and know that I was able to help others. I want her to think that the world is less of a mess because I wanted to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually involved in saving it. I want to make a difference.

For more information on Sex Trafficing Awareness, please watch this YouTube flick. And please take time to research more on the subject. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AAkCnK1xoA

Please Don't Be A "Stupid" Vegan

I love being vegan. I love all of the fresh fruits and veggies that I get to prepare everyday. I love discovering new recipes. I love the physical act of produce shopping. I get a small thrill out of picking out the perfect red pepper. I love the farmer's market.

I almost hate to write this post, as I am sure that there will be someone in the vegan community at large who will want to ostracize me for my opinion on being a vegan pet owner. I DO NOT feed my pets a vegan diet. I DO feed them premium foods that contain all human grade ingredients. I am not claiming to be any kind of vegan guru. I am just a person who loves their animals and does the very best that I can to make sure that they get everything that they need in their diets.


Today at work (my part-time job), a woman brought her dog in. We offered to give her dog a treat, since we bake all-natural dog treats. She looked at me and said, "oh... we're vegan." Since we happen to bake a vegan dog treat, I offered one to her dog. Needless to say, this is not the first time that this has happened.


Thank you for being a member of the vegan community. YOU are a vegan. Your dog is a carnivore. Check the history books. You will never find a vegan dog. They simply don't exist. If your dog is a vegan, you have taken a simple, carnal instinct of the animal away from him. This was your decision, not your dog's.



However, it is possible to feed your dog a healthy meat-alternative diet. Soy, whey, and seitan are great alternatives to actual meat. If you want to feed your dog a vegan diet, you can also use cooked chickpeas, legumes, sweet potatoes, and other veggies to supplement for necessary vitamins. There have been several occasions where we have had people come into the store claiming to feed their dog a vegan diet, and have yet to figure out a healthy protein source. My personal favorite was when we asked a woman what kind of protein she was supplementing into her dog's diet, she literally looked like a deer in the headlights and was speechless.... then actually admitted that she didn't know that her dog needed protein!! How is it possible that you don't know that your dog needs protein??

I'm not saying that you absolutely shouldn't feed your dog a vegan diet... I am saying that you absolutely HAVE to be smart about it. You have to be able to know and do what is best for them.

I Can See Clearly Now...

So many people are going through massive changes in their lives right now. We all seem to be searching for clarity, or a "rebirth" of some kind. A new life?? A new environment?? A new world?? It all seems feasible, but so difficult at the same time.

I hung out with Craig last night (who by the way has incredibly beautiful eyes--haha!!), and we both seem to be going through the same thing. We are both trying to make these life altering decisions right now. We have both, seemingly, "wasted" about 10 years of our lives doing what we thought was easy to us. Looking back, my choices were not easy at all. I think that it would have been easier to do what I actually wanted to do. Last night's conversation with Craig was not the first that I had had regarding this desire to make changes. I am finding that lots of folks are going through this same kind of mental anguish... looking for that "something else".

We went to see Baby Mama last night. The first 10 minutes of the movie is Tina Fey's view of the world... she sees babies everywhere. They are in line in front of her at the coffee place, they are sitting around a table in a boardroom at her job. Her thing is that she is 37, and feels that her time has come to start a family. She feels that she has put it off long enough and NOW is the time. This was me one year ago... this was me six months ago.

Last year was the year of baby for a lot of people in my life. I was involved in the lives of eight couples who had babies between January and December. Eight babies. EIGHT!! This drove me crazy. I wanted a baby so badly that I could almost taste it (not the actual baby). One friend even accused me of being angry with her for being pregnant. I was so excited for all of these people. And I was in a relationship where I was convinced that my time was coming. It was just a matter of time for me. I would have the marriage and the kids and everything would be okay. Soon, I would have the family that I had been wanting for years.

Of course, God has a sense of humor.

per·spec·tive –noun
1. the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship
2. the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship
3. a mental view or prospect

Now, marriage, kids, and building a family is the furthest thing from my mind. I think that I admitted this out loud last night for the very first time. I don't want to date. I don't want to think about dating. I don't want to think about marriage or having kids. All of these things are distractions to me. I am tired of being distracted. For the first time in my life, I feel free. I feel like I am doing for me. I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I don't deal with anyone that I don't want to deal with. It's refreshing.

clar·i·ty –noun
clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

Everything seems so clear now. Which, of course, makes me believe that this desire to live my life the way that I am has always been there. I have been covering this path with other things. I was doing what I thought family and friends and society wanted me to do. I was settling.

And so I have decided to concentrate on heading toward Cambodia by the end of next year. The human trafficing problem is greater in Cambodia than any place in the world. I just can't sit back, knowing that I have the abilities to help someone and do absolutely nothing. (I think that this is why I volunteer for so much stuff.) God has been so good to me in the past few years, and I can't pretend that the world, outside of this country, isn't suffering.

So hold this feeling like a newborn

Of freedom surging through your veins

You have opened up a new door

So bring on the wind, fire and rain

~Missy Higgins

Does anyone know of a good Cambodian language tutor??

Famous Vegans... 'Cuz I Couldn't Think of Anything To Write About Today.

Entertainers
Pamela Anderson (actress) [1]
Casey Affleck (actor) [2]
Gillian Anderson (actress) [3]
Ed Begley, Jr. (actor) [4]
Linda Blair (actress) [5]
Margaret Cho (actress and comedienne) [6]
Jennifer Connelly (actress) [7]
James Cromwell (actor) [8]
Emily Deschanel (actress) [9]
Andrew G (Australian radio and television personality) [10]
Daryl Hannah (actress) [11]
Woody Harrelson (actor) [12]
Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man actor) [13]
Anne Hathaway (actress) --(apparently a "flexitarian"... which is a meat eating vegetarian... so, i guess that she is nothing at all and I don't know why she was added to this list!!!)
Gabrielle Miller (actress) [14]
Kevin Nealon (actor) [15]
Marcus Patrick (actor) [16]
Joaquin Phoenix (actor) [17]
River Phoenix (actor) [18]
Summer Phoenix (actress) [19]
Natalie Portman (actress) [6]
Alicia Silverstone (actress) [20]
Lynda Stoner (actress) [21]
Billy West (Voice actor) [22]
Gretchen Wyler (Broadway actress) [23]

Authors
Anu Garg (author, speaker, engineer) [24]
Haki R. Madhubuti (poet and non-fiction writer) [7]
David Pearce (philosopher) (author of The Hedonistic Imperative) [8]
Dav Pilkey (children's author) [9]
Benjamin Zephaniah (rastafarian poet) [10]
Michael C. Dorf (Columbia law professor, author)
Ed Miller (poker author)
Alice Walker (Pulitzer prize winning author and feminist)
Tom Speaker

Musicians
Darren Cordeux (Lead singer/guitarist of Kisschasy [11]
Bryan Adams (Rock musician) [12],[25]
Kevin Cameron (ex-I Killed the Prom Queen) [26]
Jona Weinhofen (ex-I Killed the Prom Queen/Bleeding Through) [27]
Fiona Apple (singer) [13]
Brian Bell (Guitarist for Weezer) [14]
Cedric Bixler (The Mars Volta) [15]
Sean Brennan (London After Midnight band) [16]
Dan Briggs (musician with Between the Buried and Me) [17]
Paul Waggoner (musician with Between the Buried and Me) [18]
Tommy Rogers (musician with Between the Buried and Me) [19]
Hunter Burgan (Bassist of AFI) [20]
Geezer Butler (Bassist, lyricist and founding member of Black Sabbath)[21]
Greg Cipes (actor, singer, surfer) [22]
Tim Commerford (Bassist for Rage Against the Machine)[28]
Juli Crockett (writer, director, actor, boxer, musician - lead singer of the alt-country band The Evangenitals) [23]
Alan Donohoe (Musician - lead singer of British band, the Rakes) [24]
John Feldmann (Lead singer and guitarist of Goldfinger and producer) [29]
C-drik Fermont (Electronic and noise musician and composer, member of Axiome among other projects).
Michael Franti (Hip Hop artist) [25]
Robin Gibb One of the three Bee Gees [26]
Ben Gibbard (Lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie) [27]
Andy Hurley (Drummer of Fall Out Boy)
John S. Hall (Poet, spoken-word artist, lead vocalist of all incarnations of King Missile) [28]
Davey Havok (lead singer of AFI) [29]
Chrissie Hynde (Rock musician with The Pretenders) [30]
Daniel Johns (Musician, lead singer of Australian rock band Silverchair) [30]
Steve Kilbey (Rock musician/singer with The Church) [31]
Forrest Kline (Lead singer of Hellogoodbye) [32]
Todd Kowalski (Singer and bassist of Propagandhi) [33]
Lenny Kravitz (performer)
K.D. Lang (Solo singer) [34]
Ted Leo (Punk musician with Ted Leo and the Pharmacists)[35]
Dennis Lyxzén (Singer of The (International) Noise Conspiracy and formerly of Refused) [36]
Fred Mascherino (guitar and vocals for Taking Back Sunday) [37]
Tim McIlrath (Lead singer and guitarist of Rise Against) [38]
Merzbow (Noise musician) [39]
Paul McCartney
Moby (Electronic musician) [40]
Morrissey[31]
Sir Millard Mulch (Modern Composer) [41]
Mutabaruka (Jamaican dub poet) [42]
Bif Naked (Canadian punk rock singer) [43]
Prince Rogers Nelson (American rock icon from Minneapolis) [44]
'O' (Lead singer of Undercover Slut)
Sinéad O'Connor (Irish singer/songwriter) [32]
Ocean (pop singer-songwriter-producer, environmental activist) [45]
Justin Pearson (Vocalist/Bassist for The Locust) [46]
Pep Love (rapper in underground hip hop collective, Hieroglyphics)
Promoe (Swedish hiphop musician) [47]
Jonathan Richman (proto-punk singer/songwriter) [48]
John Robb (musician/TV personality) [33]
Rikki Rockett (Drummer for Poison) [49]
Adam Russell (Bassist of Story of the Year) [50]
Justin Sane (Singer and Guitarist of Anti-Flag) [51]
Gabe Saporta (Lead singer of electronica/pop-punk band Cobra Starship)
Grace Slick (Rock musician with The Great Society, Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, Starship) [52]
Stic.man (Hip Hop artist with Dead Prez) [53]
Ember Swift (Canadian singer-songwriter) [54]
Shane Told (From Canadian post-hardcore band Silverstein) [55]
Shania Twain (country artist) [56]
Carrie Underwood (country artist)
Brendon Urie (Lead vocals of Panic at the Disco)
Jaci Velasquez (Contemporary Christian and pop singer) [34]
Caitlin Costello (classical singer)
Persia White [57]
"Weird Al" Yankovic [58]
James Yorkston (Scottish folk musician) [59]
Janne "Burton" Puurtinen (Keyboardist of HIM)
Brent Jackson (Singer and guitarist of The Junction)
Propaghandi Legendary Canadian punk band
Jared Leto (singer for 30 seconds to mars)
Oli Sykes (singer for Bring Me The Horizon)
Ariel Lankry
Matthias Voigt (member of Heaven Shall Burn)
Maik Weichert (member of Heaven Shall Burn)
Alexander Dietz (member of Heaven Shall Burn)
Eric Bischoff (member of Heaven Shall Burn)
Marcus Bischoff (member of Heaven Shall Burn)
Patrick Schleitzer (ex-member of Heaven Shall Burn)
Marcio Novelli (member of Euphoria's Depression)

Political figures
César Chávez (civil rights activist and co-founder of the National Farm Workers Association) [60]
Janez Drnovšek (former president of Slovenia) [61]
Maneka Gandhi (Indian politician) [62]
Cathy Jamieson (member of the Scottish Parliament) [35]
Coretta Scott King (civil rights leader) [63]
Dennis Kucinich (Democratic Congressman from Ohio, 2004 & 2008 presidential candidate) [64]
Kerry McCarthy (UK Member of Parliament) [65]
Markos Moulitsas (prominent US political blogger) [66]
Ingrid Newkirk (author and president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) [67]
Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel First Home Minister of India.
Peter Tatchell (human rights activist) [36]
Donald Watson (founder of the UK Vegan Society and coiner of the term vegan) [68]

Athletes
Peter Brock (deceased Australian touring car driver) [69]
Mac Danzig (professional mixed martial arts fighter) [70]
Tony Gonzalez Professional American Footballer[37]
Scott Jurek (ultramarathon runner) [71]
Carl Lewis (track and field star) [72]
Mike Mahler (Professional strength coach) [73]
Edwin Moses (track and field star)
Martyn Moxon (English cricketer)
Thomas Micklewright (amateur kickboxer)
Salim Stoudamire: Professional NBA basketballer [38]
Ed Templeton (Professional skateboarder) [74]
Desmond Howard (Former Professional American Football Player) [75]
Ricky Williams (Professional Football Player) [76]
Ken Bradshaw (Professional Big Wave Surfer) [77]
Prince Fielder (Professional Baseball Player)
Kyle Takahashi (Hawaiian Big Wave Surfer) [78]

Other notable people
Keith Akers (author and Christian vegetarianism advocate) [79]
Neal Barnard (author and president of the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, medical consultant for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)) [80]
Steve Bellamy (founder of The Tennis Channel and The Ski Channel) [81]
Peter Bogdanovich (film director) [39]
Greg Chappell (Ex Australian cricketer and Team India coach)
George Church (molecular geneticist)[40]
Glen E. Friedman (photographer) [82]
Joi Ito (entrepreneur) [83]
Kamau Kambon (Black Supremacist and advocate of genocide against white people)
Casey Kasem (U.S. DJ/media personality/voice of Shaggy) [84]
Lawrence Lessig (law professor and founder of Creative Commons) [85]
John Mackey (co-founder and CEO of Whole Foods Market) [86]
Peter Max (artist) [87]
Heather Mills (ex-wife of Paul McCartney and campaigner for amputees and animal rights) [41]
Isa Chandra Moskowitz (chef and author) [88]
Daniel Negreanu (professional poker player) [89]
Dan Piraro (cartoonist and creator of Bizarro) [90]
Russell Simmons (entrepreneur and co-founder of Def Jam Recordings) [91]
David Straitjacket (world record breaking escapologist and sideshow performer) [92]
Bob and Jenna Torres, hosts of the podcast Vegan Freak Radio[42]
Delwin Vriend (Canadian gay rights activist)
Kathleen Tran (Former student)

Fictional Characters
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (convenience store proprietor on The Simpsons)
Oskar Schell (The narrator in Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

I'm Doing It For Spiritual Reasons

I am getting tired of my own responses to questions lately, as I feel like I have the same answer for all questions regarding changes that I have made in my life.

"Why are you getting rid of so much stuff?"... I am doing it for spiritual reasons.

"So, why did you go vegan?"... I did it for spiritual reasons.

"Why did you pierce your nose?"... I did it for spiritual reasons.

"Why would you possibly want to live in a third world country for two years?"... aside from the fact that that part of the world is in desperate need of any kind of support whatsoever and I am capable of doing the support work that is needed there... I am doing it for spiritual reasons.

Everything that I have done in the past few months has been for spiritual reasons. Any decisions that I make... every person that I have to change my tune about... every argument that I walk away from... everything. God has been really good to me in the past few months, the least I can do is be good to the world that He has given to me.

Today I was told that I was an inspiration to someone. I'm not sure of what I did to inspire someone, and she didn't specify what I had said or done. But it makes me feel like I am doing something right, even though lately I have really been feeling like I have been screwing everything up.

Finally you speak

The truth comes out

And your world is inflated

'Cause it's all you think about

You can't stop staring

You don't want to ask

With everything in common

It won't last

~School of Fish

On another note...

Last night I hung out at this new bar (new to me, not the world) and had a great time. Erin and Mary (new Evergreener) did open mic there. I met the nicest people. I lost my favorite sweater (note to self, find my sweater)... I also got my first guitar lesson. I learned some cords and now my fingers hurt. It was so much fun.

Heaven and Hell... As I See It.

Elaine and Alicia have been asking me why I don't want to talk about Heaven and Hell. While I put this subject in the same category of things that make me uncomfortable, along with "sin", money, being "saved" and "rebirth", the subject of Heaven and Hell probably makes me more uncomfortable than the rest of these subjects.

Hmm. I have issues with Heaven and Hell. I am not sure that I believe in either of these places. I am not sure that I have to believe in either of these places.

heav·en
~The sky or universe as seen from the earth; the firmament. Often used in the plural.
~The abode of God, the angels, and the souls of those who are granted salvation. (Believed by Christians)
~An eternal state of communion with God; everlasting bliss.
~Used in various phrases to express surprise: "Good heavens!"
~Any of the places in or beyond the sky conceived of as domains of divine beings in various religions.
~The celestial powers; the gods.
~A condition or place of great happiness, delight, or pleasure (Believed by me)

hell (there are over 20 definitions)
~the place or state of punishment of the wicked after death; the abode of evil and condemned spirits (Believed by Christians)
~any place or state of torment or misery (Believed by me)
~something that causes torment or misery: Having that cut stitched without anesthesia was hell. ~the powers of evil.
~the abode of the dead; Sheol or Hades.
~extreme disorder or confusion; chaos: "The children let both dogs into the house, and all hell broke loose."
~a receptacle into which a tailor throws scraps.
~the utterance of “hell” in swearing or for emphasis: "What the hell?"

I have been asked on several occasions what I picture when I think of Heaven and Hell. Okay, I will tell you. Heaven--the Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercial or the Heaven from the movie "What Dreams May Come". Hell-- have you seen the South Park movie??

I think that as a former atheist/agnostic I have a hard time grasping the concept of there being an afterlife, good or bad. I want good things to happen to my soul after I die, but Heaven? Hell? I don't know about either of these places.

And as we wind on down the road

Our shadows taller than our soul.

There walks a lady we all know

Who shines white light and wants to show

How everything still turns to gold.

And if you listen very hard

The tune will come to you at last.

When all are one and one is all

To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying the stairway to heaven.

~Led Zeppelin